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The soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm FAQ List
Where the kinky knowledge resides! Part 6 of 7 See reader questions & answers on this topic! - Help others by sharing your knowledge This list is posted semi-monthly, on or around the 1st and 15th. Please send additions, suggestions, etc. to johnson_grey@unrealities.com If this posting appears truncated or damaged, contact me, also. The World Wide Web version of this FAQ (which is the prime copy) is at: http://www.unrealities.com/adult/ssbb/faq.htm Please make links to that page, rather than posting separate Web copies of the text of this FAQ. This FAQ list is copyrighted. The full copyright notice appears at the end of each part of the list; please respect it. *The FAQs Themselves* PART 1: 1. What do B&D, S&M, D&S, "top", "bottom" mean? 2. What is a "scene", and what is "negotiation"? 3. What is a "safeword"? 4. When is pain not pain? 5. What are some basics of safe SM, emotionally and physically? PART 2: 6. Is everyone either a top or a bottom? What's a "switch"? 7. How can I learn to be a good top? 8. How can I learn to be a good bottom? 9. Is BDSM sexual? 10. Why is bondage fun? 11. Why is whipping fun? PART 3: 12. What is body piercing? What is "C&B" play, or "genitorture"? 13. What is cutting/play piercing/burning/branding/electrical play? What are "bloodsports"? 14. What is it about breath control? Is it safe to make someone pass out? 15. What are "golden showers"? How about "scat"? 16. Is anal sex safe? Why do people do it? 17. What is "fisting"? PART 4: 18. Does the way I play qualify as "real" SM? What is "real" SM, anyway? 19. What is it about leather/latex/high heels/corsets/other fetishes? 20. What about shaving body hair and/or crossdressing? 21. Why am I defending SM? 22. Is SM degrading or abusive? Were most SM people abused? PART 5: 23. Why is SM taboo, and is SM criminal, unnatural, immoral, unethical, or unhealthy? 24. Isn't the bottom always in control? 25. Can someone _really_ be someone else's slave? 26. What are the "codes"? 27. My fantasies scare me. What if I get too into SM? PART 6: 28. I want to throw a play party; how do I go about it? 29. I want to attend a play party; what is the etiquette? 30. What's the deal with this anonymity stuff? 31. Are SM people being politically and socially harassed? 32. What topics are or aren't acceptable on s.s.b-b? (including, what's s.s.b-b's charter?) 33. I'm sick of certain topics on s.s.b-b. How can I avoid them? Also, what's with all these ads? 34. OK, so I can't post ads to s.s.b-b. Where CAN I post them? 35. I don't have access to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm; what can I do to get information about the scene? ======================================================================= *28. I want to throw a play party; how can I go about it?* Occasionally on soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm_ _there is a flurry of email about some event that recently occurred (often in the SF Bay area) at which many net.folks were in attendance, and about the tremendously enjoyable things that transpired there. Then others around the country post, wishing they lived out here too. Well, you don't have to live out here to have a play party! What is a play party? A party where your guests can (and hopefully will) play with each other! It can be as simple as a backrub circle which turns into more intimate activity, or it can be one person who gets clothespins applied to them while others watch and contribute energy before going off into their own scenes, or indeed anything at all. The idea is to enjoy each other, to communicate and share the pleasure that touching and playing can bring. If there is a common interest in SM, that's convenient, as lots of things can be initiated with a simple pair of handcuffs or a whip that looks like it'd feel good; also, if the guests have played with SM, they will understand the need for negotiation, and they will know what it is to respect another's limits. Some tips: Don't encourage alcohol; make it BYOB. This makes the party safer, and the drunker you get the less likely you are to really be able to fully negotiate and communicate. Minimize video and loud music; this causes people to interact with each other, which is the whole point, rather than sit back and stay out of the action. (Good party music can help set the mood, though.) Keep condoms, dental dams, latex gloves, lube (water-based!), betadine (if piercers or cutters are present), bleach (for cleaning toys), and paper towels handy; this makes people aware that they can easily play safely--a matter of life and death--as well as expressing the hosts' concern for the guests. If possible, have several playspaces (i.e. rooms where people can recline and play with each other); this lets the exhibitionists exhibit, while the more private ones can be more private, and the heavy players can play heavily (serious whippings, candles, etc.) without freaking out the folks with lighter tastes. Have some knowledgeable people take turns as safety monitors; if anything's going on that looks unsafe or nonconsensual, give those people authority to take action. Establish a party safeword (a great one is "Safeword!"). In general, make your place into a safe space, a haven here people can unwind and enjoy each other to whatever extent they want to, without feeling pressured or uncomfortable. Possibly the most helpful tip: if you can, try to get a group of people in your area together, and try to get activities planned between parties--lunches, group shopping trips to your local toy stores, movies, etcetera. It's hard to overcome the barriers to trusting someone enough to have sensual or sexual contact with them, especially in our pleasure-negative society; therefore, things may not get off to the rollicking start you could wish for at your first party. If there are a couple of exhibitionists to break the ice, though, it helps; and as people get to know each other better and get to be friends, it will increase the level of fun everyone will have! Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 315 Dec 1997 ======================================================================= *29. I want to attend a play party; what is the etiquette?* The simplest way to fit in in a play party is to behave politely. There will be people right in front of you who are doing very sexual things. They are doing them for _their_ pleasure, not for yours. Stay away from the action unless invited to participate-- and a glance in your direction does not constitute an invitation. The people who really interfere with the energy of a party are the people who seemingly assume that just because the scene is taking place in a semi-public context means that comments from the audience are okay fine. They're NOT. The top in the scene is concentrating on the bottom's pleasure, and the bottom is almost certainly in a very private mental space. Neither the top nor the bottom will appreciate being yanked back to reality by a loud suggestion or greeting. If you want to compliment them on something, WAIT UNTIL THE SCENE IS OVER and they're circulating and being sociable again! Interfering with a scene in progress is inexcusably rude, and if I were dungeon-mastering I would throw you out of the party for doing it. Once you understand that scenes are private even though they're taking place in public, the question then becomes, how can you watch without detracting from the energy of the scene? There definitely are people who interfere just by watching. They've been dubbed "energy vampires" in the past. These people are watching the action as though it was a porno movie--as though the intense magic taking place in front of them was no more than a bad fuck flick where the actress is half asleep. They have no empathy, no sense of connection to what's going on; they might as well be in a movie theater. If you have the ability to watch what is happening with an open heart, if you can pick up on the energy and send your own good wishes towards the participants in the scene, you will be much more valuable as a watcher. Public players never object to an enthusiastic audience which can appreciate the way they're playing! An audience which values the gift of being allowed to watch, and which contributes its goodwill towards the play, can be a delight; an audience which watches without giving and without connecting takes the life and spirit out of the scene. (And remember, a good audience does NOT make comments that the players can hear--an audience doesn't interfere with the performance!) You can be a part of the magic without playing yourself. All it takes is an honest enjoyment of what's happening combined with politeness and tact. If you _do_ want to play, and there's someone you want to play with, you can ask--but be prepared to accept a "no, thanks" gracefully. If you are comfortable mingling and making small talk, you'll be more likely to find someone with compatible desires--after all, everyone else there has similar tastes! There often will be rooms for heavy play and rooms for hanging out and socializing; don't try to do one activity in the other activity's space. (It helps if you dress sexily, even if you're not playing--the more leather and lace there is to look at, the better!) Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995 ======================================================================= *30. What's the deal with this anonymity stuff?* There are many people who post to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm through the wizvax Anonymous Posting Service, and many others who post from pseudonymous accounts. The reasons are obvious; "kinky sex" in our society is stigmatized, and being openly interested in sexuality or alternate sexual practices can result in personal and professional consequences including losing one's job, losing one's friends, and if child custody is involved, losing one's children. Yes, in America today, you can lose custody of your child if it becomes known that you practice SM. (This is not merely anecdotal; people on the net have had these things happen to them.) Oral sex is a crime in some states! After reading this FAQ, it (hopefully) should be clear how twisted this situation is, when acts of love can be used as evidence of psychological damage. This is why many choose to write and post anonymously. By using a pseudonym, they can say what they want to say, while remaining free of the nastiness that could ensue were their coworkers to discover their interests. Homosexuals know what it's like to be ostracized for their romantic and sexual preferences; SM devotees are, in some ways, in the same boat. It's a strange world, where love is perceived as evil, and beauty as ugliness.... Anonymous posters are not cowards. The consequences I have outlined are enough to make anyone question whether posting under their own name is worthwhile. Those who choose to do so are not necessarily so much courageous as lucky--lucky to be able to be out, to declare their lifestyles openly. (Note that pseudonyms are sometimes used in real-life situations, as well; there are many netters who go by their net names even at social functions.) This means that it is rude to inquire as to someone's actual identity if they choose to use a pseudonym. It is also rude to tell others of their real name, if you somehow become privy to it, without first asking them; they have entrusted you with something that they don't want commonly known. DON'T OUT SOMEONE IF THEY DON'T WANT TO BE OUTED. You yourself may not need a net.name; that doesn't mean you can take others' anonymity any less seriously than they themselves do. This goes for the net and for real life. If you meet someone at a party who you've known from the net, they'll probably still want to be known under their net name, and if you're writing about that party later, make sure you have their permission before describing them or scenes in which they participated (even if you use only their net name). It is an open question whether the world would improve if everyone outed themselves. Some say that we need to get all kinky people out of the closet, so everyone'll realize how many of us there are (and there are many!). Others, myself included, believe that everyone should be free to choose how they want to live their life--including choosing to be anonymous. Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995 ======================================================================= *31. Are SM people subjected to political or social harassment?* Like all alternate sexualities, SM is stigmatized in many ways by most of society. In extreme cases, SM players are prosecuted legally. or persecuted by people who would _like_ to so prosecute them. This section of the FAQ describes some of these ongoing battles. (See another question for a brief mention of one recently-vanquished challenge.) *The Spanner case* First, the most serious anti-SM action in years: the Spanner case. In Britain in 1992, sixteen men who had attended an SM party were convicted of assault, despite the fact that everything that happened at the party was fully consensual. The sentence was four to six years in prison. The defendants appealed, and eventually reached the highest court in Britain, which issued a judgment rife with the worst and most inaccurate popular misconceptions about BDSM, ignoring everything that is now widely known about how it is safe and consensual. This judgment is a travesty of human rights, and flies blindly in the face of medical and psychological fact, in favor of prejudicial ignorance. The men involved are now pushing to take the case to the European court of human rights. They need any and all assistance. An organization named Countdown on Spanner was formed to pursue the appeal as far as necessary. Countdown on Spanner can be reached via Snail Mail; C/O Central Station 37 Wharfdale Road London N1 Great Britain Please include a SAE. Or contact via e-mail: phas@siva.bris.ac.uk. There is also a {http://www.barnsdle.demon.co.uk/span/span1.html} Spanner web page. *Canadian censorship* Another situation demanding attention is the censorship being practiced by Canadian customs. Canada has no First Amendment, and Customs has been seizing gay and lesbian erotica, especially SM-related material, and preventing it from reaching bookstores in Canada. This arbitrary action has made it very difficult for many of these bookstores to survive. The Canadian government, via Customs, is silencing the voices of those who want to talk about their sexuality. Little Sisters Bookstore in Vancouver is suing Customs, asserting that Customs should not have the right to seize books on suspicion of obscenity. If the case is won, obscenity will have to be determined by the courts, not by Customs. It is not at all certain that the case will be won; a recent Supreme Court decision in Canada used language from American anti-porn activist Catherine MacKinnon to define pornography as material that is "violent" or "degrading" to women. Such laws can be used to keep ANY SM-related material from ever being published--which is exactly the intent. MacKinnon and Andrea Dworkin have repeatedly pushed for such legislation in the United States as well. The Canada case is thus very relevant for Americans into SM. If you can contribute, please write to Little Sisters Defense Fund, 1221 Thurlow Street, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada V6E 1X4. The case will be expensive, and help is badly needed. *America* America has its share of official persecution of SM, though not so seriously as in the Spanner case. SM clubs are still associated by the media with unsafe sex, whether or not the club requires safe sex (as almost all do). Of course, the current ignorance of consensual SM in America leads to regular prosecution of people producing erotic material, whether videos, magazines, or pictures. Legal fees from obscenity proceedings brought by the government can put a small producer or publisher out of business before the case ever comes to trial. For example, movies involving bondage together with sex are essentially censored in this country, because of such government action. Most of all, learn for yourself about the realities of SM, as opposed to the myths. And speak out against oppression born out of ignorance. Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995 ======================================================================= *32. What topics are and aren't acceptable on s.s.b-b?* Back in the days of yore, the group for discussing kinky topics was alt.sex.bondage. This group was created in response to a joke, which turned serious once people actually started using the group. But there was never any charter or definition of what was and wasn't acceptable, as with the rest of the alt.* newsgroups. So alt.sex.bondage is now completely overrun with advertising and spam. soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm was created mainly in order to set up a charter forbidding spam, but also to broaden the explicit agenda of the group from just bondage to bondage and BDSM (which as we know is a compound acronym defining a lot of different behaviors!). Thus many of the flame wars about "that's not bondage, it doesn't belong on this group!" have gone away forever. The s.s.b-b charter is {http://www.mindspring.com/~frites/charter.htm} available on the Web. (Here's {http://www.unrealities.com/adult/ssbb/charter.htm} a local copy.) Now, there are still plenty of flamewars, and no little amount of flaming about how many flamewars there are and how hostile an environment is created as a result... but there's no doubt that much more good BDSM conversation is happening on the new s.s.b-b than was happening on the old a.s.b in its dying years! What s.s.b-b has evolved into (and actually has always been) is, as the intro to this FAQ states, a group for discussing "ways to have sex that are outside the mainstream". This is an awfully wide description. There is room underneath it for discussing everything from "how do I tie someone up?" to "how can I play with razors safely?" to "what's it like to love someone of your sex?" The inevitable consequence of this is that people sometimes get exposed to material that squicks them. That's life in the big net. There is no guarantee that everything on s.s.b-b will suit your personal interests. The general rule of the net applies here in spades: if you don't like it, hit "n" and ignore it. It's guaranteed that there are many many out there who _do_ like it. Remember, limits are relative; many of the "heavy players" you read about started as novices themselves, and the person who just described their intense whipping scene may be unable to handle even the lightest tickling... food for thought! I just finished reading a few stories about nonconsensual rape and sadistic murder that were posted netwide. I personally disliked those stories. Do I think they're appropriate for s.s.b-b? Not really. Can I stop them from being posted? Nope. Can I ignore them? Hell yes. Remember, a story is a fantasy that someone bothered to write down... and fantasies can't hurt anybody--if you don't like it, ignore it! That is certainly more productive than flaming the person who wrote it. Can the ferment of different topics and views on s.s.b-b degenerate into chaos? Yes, and it sometimes does. But more frequently, the mixing of interests and ideas generates a really wonderful dialogue out of which new knowledge and fantasy is born. Novices pipe up with questions that spark an insightful reply by an old-timer. Old-timers post about some experience that gets lurkers' juices flowing everywhere. Someone who knows a lot about one kind of play tries something new and posts about it. s.s.b-b works, like no other group I know of on the net. So don't be too hasty with that "n" key... you might learn something! Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 30 June 1998 ======================================================================= *33. I'm sick of certain topics on s.s.b-b. How can I avoid them? Also, what's with all these ads?* s.s.b-b, like all Usenet groups, has its share of flame wars. Many of them revolve around questions of whether particular BDSM activities are healthy or not (the usual answer: "They're risky, but it's possible to do them safely and beneficially, and many people do"), or whether soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm is a heterosexist group or not (I'm not gonna tackle _that_ one here, yet). One common feature of all, though, is that some people get burned out on reading all the hundreds of articles in the thread. The solution? Most newsreading programs support a tool called a "kill file", which is a list of subjects and/or authors that you are NOT interested in and never want to look at. Different newsreaders have different ways of using killfiles. I use rn, so my example will refer to it. (If you use a different program, see the documentation for that program. To add a particular subject (say, "FAQ List") to your killfile in rn, go to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm When you are reading the group, type ^K (control-K). This will put you into an editor which is editing your killfile for soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm. Type the following: /FAQ List/h:j then exit your editor. What that line says is "junk any articles which contain the text `FAQ List' in the header." Replace "FAQ List" with the subject you dislike or the user ID of the person you no longer wish to read, and presto, your blood pressure will be much happier. I've been told the following about the "gnus" newsreader: In gnus, from the subject buffer, on an article from the person you wish to kill: type meta-k [gnus-Subject-edit-local-kill], C-c C-k C-a [gnus-Kill-file-kill-by-author], C-c C-a [gnus-Kill-file-apply-buffer], C-c C-c [gnus-Kill-file-exit]." "C-a" stands for "control-A", and "meta-k" stands for "escape-K." The text in brackets isn't stuff you should type; it's just explanation of what each set of keystrokes means. If you use nn, track down a post written by the victim to be killfiled, and just hit 'K' (capital-K). Follow the somewhat cryptic prompts, and respond according to your needs. For example: nn gives you you respond ------------ ----------- AUTO (k)ill or (s)elect [...] k AUTO KILL on (s)ubject or (n)ame [...] n KILL Name: (=/) / KILL Name (regexp): FAQ List KILL in (g)roup 'soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm' or in (a)ll groups a Lifetime of entry in days (p)ermanent [...] p [or 21915 to 25568] CONFIRM KILL Name perm regexp: FAQ List y If you use tin, you can either hand-edit .tin/kill (instructions should be given in that file), or you can hit control-K while reading any article. This will toss a nice menu on the screen. Just follow the prompts. For example: tin gives you you respond ------------- ----------- Kill type: Kill [return/enter] Kill text pattern: FAQ List [return/enter] Apply pattern to: [spacebar until "Subject: & From: lines" appears, then hit return] Kill Subject [...]: No [return/enter] Kill From [...]: No [return/enter] Kill pattern scope: [spacebar until appropriate choice appears, then return] Two pieces of jargon related to kill files: Sometimes you will see someone responding to something egregiously stupid (in the responder's opinion) said by someone else. The response may look like, "Ho, hum. <Plonk.>" What is plonk? Plonk is the sound of someone being dropped into a kill file; the respondent is announcing that they are permanently killfiling the original poster. Other times, a poster may be annoying lots and lots of people on s.s.b-b, and someone will post something like "Everyone PISS on this guy!" PISS stands for Passive Ignorance Silence Strike, and basically means that everyone should just ignore the poster, rather than arguing and/or flaming. The idea is that if the person can't get a rise out of anyone, they will get bored and leave. It very often works, too... or at least it reduces the wasted bandwidth. What about the ads? See the next question; ads are not appropriate on s.s.b-b and will result in you getting flamed like crazy if you post one there! Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 18 November 1996 ======================================================================= *34. OK, so I can't post ads to s.s.b-b. Where CAN I post them?* Plenty of places, bunky! o Looking for a kinky partner? Try posting your personal ad in alt.personals.bondage or alt.personals.fetish. o Looking to buy or sell some stuff? Try posting in alt.sex.marketplace or alt.sex.erotica.marketplace. o Hmm, that sort of covers it for starters! (What am I forgetting, loyal readers?) Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 30 June 1998 ======================================================================= *35. I don't have access to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm; what can I do to get information about the scene?* A question I've been getting more and more often as my FAQ spreads outwards into the world is, "I can't read soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm, but the stuff you talk about in your FAQ sounds really interesting. Are there any ways for me to access soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm, or do you know of any SM groups or BBS'es near me?" First off: unless you have access to a system which gets USENET news, and soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm in particular, there is no way for you to read alt.sex.bondage. There are no mailing-list gateways or FTP archives of soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm. There may be public-access net sites in your area which you could use to access s.s.b-b. Second: I don't track very many local SM organizations, beyond the ones I mention at the end of this FAQ. So please don't ask me for information beyond what's contained here. HOWEVER: There is a way you can get answers to your questions! If you have email access to the Internet, you can use an "anonymous posting service". A posting service is a program running on some Internet-connected computer. You can send email to the service, and it will remove your userid from the email, append a newly-generated anonymous userid, and post your email to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm! Anyone can send you mail in response, and the service will forward it to you. So if you have questions about SM resources in your area, use an anonymous posting service to send your question to s.s.b-b (for example, "I can't read soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm, but I'd like to know whether there are any SM groups in Vancouver. Please reply by email"). You will definitely get more responses than you would any other way. (Of course, if you _can_ read s.s.b-b but don't want to post under your real name, you can use a posting service for that; that's what they're mainly for.) Unfortunately, as of November 1996, the major anonymous posting service (which used to be at "help@anon.penet.fi") has been shut down, due to complaints that it was being used for child-pornography-related purposes. I know of no other service that really substitutes for it. My best suggestion right now? Get a trial America Online account, pick a phony nickname, and post to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm that way. Yes, that's a lousy substitute. Anyone with better anonymous-posting solutions, please let me know, and I'll update this information again. Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 18 November 1996 ======================================================================= Thanks for reading! Hope you learned something! Remember, your sexuality is wonderful; treasure it and nourish it! Created 10 August 1995, last updated 2 15 Dec 1999, and copyright {http://www.unrealities.com/adult/copyrite.htm} by Johnson Grey {johnson_grey@unrealities.com}. User Contributions:Comment about this article, ask questions, or add new information about this topic: |
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