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Saturday Night Live FAQ: Commercial Parodies
Section - Grayson Moorhead Securities

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First broadcast on 21 Oct 1995


- A Tradition of Excellence -

Narrator:
On Wall Street, Trendy investment fads have come and gone over the
years, but not at Grayson Moorhead, where we've always stuck to the
basic principles set forth by Arthur Grayson nearly 80 years ago.

Arthur Grayson:
Our clients must be our first priority.

- The Tradition Endures -

AG:
We will take our client's money and invest it.  Part of the profit
we will keep for ourselves; the rest we will give to the client.

- A Tradition of Security -

We will make a list of our clients and how much money each of them
has given us to invest.  We will keep this list in a safe place.  If
we have time we will make a copy of the list in case something happens
to the first list.

- A Tradition of Listening -

Listen to your client.  It's the only way to know what he's saying.

- A Tradition of Trust -

If a client is talking and you're not listening and he notices and
he accuses you of not listening, just say, "Sure I've been listening,
I've heard every word you've said."  If he then says, "All right, tell
me what I've been talking about," just say, "You've been talking about
your investments.  Which stocks to buy and so on."  That way the client
will think you've been listening even though you haven't.

- A Tradition of Integrity -

We will invest only in white-owned businesses.


Not all of Arthur Grayson's principles are followed today, but at
Grayson Moorhead we still believe in the basics.


Don't leave the client's money lying around.  Keep it in a safe place.
For example:  where we keep the list.


To Arthur Grayson, there was no substitute for knowing the market.


Clients will rely on us for market expertise.  If the day ever comes
when a client knows more about the market than we do, copy him.  Do
what he does.

- Writing Brokers' Names on Slips of Paper -

Once a year, we will write each broker's name on a slip of paper and
then place the slips in a hat.  Each broker will then draw a slip of
paper from the hat.  He will buy a gift for the broker whose name he
his drawn.  He will be that broker's Secret Santa.

- Drawing Again -

If a broker draws his own name from the hat, he will draw again.

- Taking Special Care -

We must take special care of the list with each client's name and the
amount of money he has invested.  If we were to lose that list, we
would be ruined.

- If My Wife Calls -

If my wife calls white I'm in shagging my secretary, tell her I'm
at a board meeting.  That way I'll be able to continue shagging my
secretary without my wife knowing about it.

- the tradition continues... -

If my wife were to find out about me and my secretary; that would be bad.
As bad as losing the list.

(transcribed by Doug Krause <dijon@lido.com>)
(corrections by Russell Schulz <Russell_Schulz@locutus.ofB.ORG>)

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Top Document: Saturday Night Live FAQ: Commercial Parodies
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Next Document: HOW TO GET THE SNL COMMERCIAL PARODIES ARCHIVES

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Last Update March 27 2014 @ 02:12 PM