From: haywire@wpi.WPI.EDU (Haywire)  @}-,-`-- @}-,-`-- @}-,-`-- @}-,-`-- @}-,-
 subject: mature love vs. infatuation

While cleaning out my room I found a memo from my freshman year about planned
parenthood, social deseases, etc... Inside I found this:

TEN QUESTIONS TO ASK ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP
1. What do I want from this relationship?
2. Have I told him/her what is important to me in a relationship?
3. Does he/she tell me what is important to him/her in a relationship?
4. Am I happy with the way things are?
5. What type of changes would make it better?
6. Can we talk about touching?
7. Do I feel good about the touching we do?
8. Am I feeling pressured or am I pressurring?
9. How does the relationship affect other things or people in my life?
10 Who can I talk to when things get tough?

Then it goes into these definitions:

MATURE LOVE
*both are individuals apart from the other
*each accepts the fact that neither is perfect
*the relationship is strong in tough times as well as happy times
*the love gives each person energy to devote to all aspects of life
*the two people are close friends
*each person continues to grow as an independent human being
*there is joy in giving as well as receiving
*there is honesty and trust between the two people
*each feels a responsibility to the others well being

INFATUATION IS NOT LOVE
*the person depends on the relation for self esteem
*the person takes more from the relationship than they give
*each is jealous of the others seperate activities
*the relationship drains the person of energy
*the person is afraid that the other person will lose interest in them
*the person can only think of the other person

What do you think


 From: U51754@uicvm.uic.edu (Kimikimkim)  @}-,-`-- @}-,-`-- @}-,-`--- @}-,-`---
 subject: How do you know when it's love? (Summary of replies to a survey)

[...]
1.  When you see someone you like, how do you attract that person?
*I flirt and smile a lot.  I try to let them see who I am by sharing myself.
*I find out what our mutual interests are and I try to find a way to share
them.
*By conversations and phone calls, make the other person know that you are
alive and interested in him/her.
*Do not put on an act, just be yourself.
*You cannot go out and try "lines" on him/her, these are normally turn offs.
*Do not try and move too fast.  If it is meant to be, it will happen.

2.  And once that person is attracted to you, how do you know you're in love?
*By looking into his eyes and seeing my reflections through the tears of joy
in his eyes.
*By enjoying and appreciating the little things he did for me and getting
goose bumps at the sound of his voice when he called my name.
*I would say that if you are waiting for it to happen, it will take longer or
it will not happen.  Be patient with it.
*When I know that I have seen my lover's soul and I love it.
*Sharing daily things with each other and showing undivided attention to that
person.

3.  When you're in love, how would you express it?
*Making the other person the most important person in your life is the key.
*By being there and being able to count on the other person.  You must be
honest too.
*I do his laundry and make his dinner for him when he is too tired to do them.
*I do the mush stuff:  cards, flowers, weekends away, etc.
*I treat him well.  I treat him like a best friend because he is.

4.  And after expressing your everlasting love, how does your significant
other return it?
*By telling me how he feels deep inside, opening up to me, and telling me
every little thing about his feelings towards things.
*He returns my love by holding my hand when we are walking across the
street.
*Just seeing the glow and smile on the other person's face means that it
must be love!
*Love is a give and take arrangement.  You must give love in order to
receive it.
*He loves me all the time!  He purrs when I wake him up in the morning.
He hugs me throughout the day.
*When he looks at me, I see the love in his eyes.  He treats me as though
I was precious.

Failing all else, one slightly insane guru suggested a sure fire method:
*I would light my hair on fire and place a live salmon in my vest pocket to
attract her.  I know I'm in love when she can enjoy my salmon, but still
respect my mind.  I show her my love by doing interpretive dancing with
fluorescent lightbulbs, followed by splashing multicolored dayglow paint
against my thighs, and then dinner at McDonalds.  And I know she loves me
when there's an absence of gunfire and lawsuits.
[...]


 From: drl@sol.acs.unt.edu (Laakso Dianna)  @}-,-`-- @}-,-`-- @}-,-`-- @}-,-`--
 subject: seeing 'the signs' (body language etc.)

peregrin@husc13.harvard.edu (James Peregrino) writes:
[...]
>1) she makes an attempt to break your personal space. i.e gets a little
>closer to you than most people do.

Yes, this is something some of us do.  When standing and talking to
someone I'm attracted to, I move just a little closer. If there's
an empty seat beside him then of course I sit there. If he's done
something kind for me then I touch him lightly on the arm when I
say 'thanks'. Etc.

>2) she conveniently runs into.  Especially if your daily patterns are
>predictable.

Yep. I would try to be where he is.... but not so often that I would
make a pest of myself.

>3) her dressing patterns change.  But balance this with knowing that it
>could be due to a change in season.

If she begins to wear pretty things, like romantic dresses, or skirts
instead of jeans, jewlery when she never did before, perfume, a more
attractive hairstyle, then interpret it as a sign. These are all things
I find myself doing when I'm interested in someone.

>4) Is she nervous around you?  Makes silly mistakes?

Definitely a sign, especially if she's just getting to know you...
however, if the nervousness diminishes, DON'T take it as a sign
that she's losing interest! Personally the more I like him and
the more I get to know him, the less nervous I am around him.

>5) When you are having a conversation with her and it is going well (or
>very interesting) does she appear inordinately happy about that?

How do you know women so well? ;) You'll see it in her eyes...if she
thinks things are going well and that you're interested in her too, then
it will show. Just take a good look into her eyes. You can't miss it.

>6) Has she made any attempt to feel you out? A personal question dropped
>in the middle of a conversation.  Look for questions such as "Where are
>you from?"  "What town do you live in?".  And especially any information
>that could be used to determine if you are single or attached.

'What do you like to do in your free time?' 'How do you like this or that
about your job?' 'Tell me about your family' I've been in a situation
before when I was almost positive that he was interested in me, but
I got the feeling that he was waiting for me to ask about his personal
life, because it had something to do with his hesitation in starting a
relationship with me. I didn't ask though...most women wouldn't unless
they are very assertive (wish I were). Don't take it as a sign of
non-interest if she doesn't take hints like that.

>7) Body language:  Either A) Looks you right in the eye. B) Avoids your
>glance.  Contradictory?  Sure, but it is up to you to test this.  Does
>she look everyone else right in the eye?  You job is to see if you can
>find a consistent pattern of things that she does differently around
>you.

I look him straight in the eye, and hold his eyes a moment longer
than I would in ordinary conversation with just anyone.

James, you're a pretty observant guy. I wish they were all!

- Dianna