Search the FAQ Archives

3 - A - B - C - D - E - F - G - H - I - J - K - L - M
N - O - P - Q - R - S - T - U - V - W - X - Y - Z - Internet FAQ Archives

alt.spleen FAQ - Spleen Trivia (v5.8, part 4 of 5)

( Part1 - Part2 - Part3 - Part4 - Part5 )
[ Usenet FAQs | Web FAQs | Documents | RFC Index | Restaurant inspections ]
Archive-name: alt-spleen/faq/part4
Posting-Frequency: monthly
Last-modified: 1998/8/17
Version: 5.8
Maintainer: Andrew Stellman <>

See reader questions & answers on this topic! - Help others by sharing your knowledge
                          the official alt.spleen
                       - Frequently Asked Questions -
                             by Andrew Stellman

                                 version 5.8
                            last modified 8/17/98


 Part III. Spleen trivia                                        alt.spleen FAQ

Q: Who created alt.spleen, and why?

The newsgroup was created by Spamg*d (, in a fit
of divine enlightment. We will never know exactly what went through
his mind at the time, but some speculate that it had to do with cod
liver oil and mattresses. The Original Message follows:

                    ------------- cut here ------------
From: (Spmg*d, Lord of Potted Meat Product)
Subject: newgroup alt.spleen
Date: 17 Jul 92 00:28:34 GMT
Discussion of alternative body functions
 /---------------------------\                                        |S 
/ |don't fear the hippie    |  \_______________________________       |P
\ |he's got mind control -dm|  /     spamgod is:  |L
 \--------|------------------/                                        |E     
         P|   i was driving at the speed of light and turned on my    |E
         E|   headlights, the light piled up on my windshield like    |N 
         A|   wet toilet paper.                         /-------------|-----\
         C|                        --------------------< |Yak Cheese Abuser| >
         E|                                             \-------------------/
                    ------------- cut here ------------

You can contact Spamgod at, or check out his home page:

Q: Who has the most spleens?

Clearly, Lisa has more spleens than anyone else. All of her major body 
organs are spleens. All of her minor body organs are spleens. It has 
been postulated that the number of spleens in Lisa's body is proportional
to her greatness and wonderfulness, so that number has to be pretty big.
It has been rumored that Geoff replaced all of Lisa's body parts with
spleens, but he has yet to confirm or deny the rumor.

Q: Who is Geoff?

Ask Faisal.

Q: What is trephination?

Brain specialist and all-around smart guy Eli the Bearded 
( writes: 

"Trephination is -- as I recall -- is use of a circular blade [similar 
to a core drill] to cut a hole in the skull ...Usual reasons for 
trephination are crude brain surgery/implants, substitute for illegal 
mind-altering drugs, as documented in somebody's home movie of 
self-trephination. Go ask about it on rec.arts.bodyart."

Q: Does trephination hurt your spleen?

Yes, it does. Generally, mental functions can be split into two groups:
very important ones, and less important ones. The brain takes care of the
less important mental functions, leaving the spleen free to carry out the
much more important ones. Often, after trephination, less important mental
functions that were carried out by the brain must now taken over by the
spleen, interfering with its usual load of important functions, which can
cause premature burnout and severe buildup (see above).

Q: So why all this mention of Spam? Where does it come from?

Researcher Wintermute ( writes: 

"The whole reaso trephination was invented was to make squicking easier.  
While crude brain-surgery, and altering one's mind are noble pastimes, 
don't forget why Trephination was invented.  Can you imagine what squickers 
did before the invention of drills?  It must have been hell trying to slowly 
whittle away at or hammer a hole in the skull of their partner.

"Now as everyone knows, spam was invented as a substitute for brain 
matter.  Only real brains will do for a good squicking, but sometimes a 
squicking-addict finds himself in a location where no brains are readily 
available (a college frathouse for example).  For this reason, spam was 
invented.  In fact, the original development name for the product we all 
know as spam was, 'I Can't Believe It's Not Cranial Tissue'.  Try it 
sometime.  Drill a hole in a large tin of spam and pork (heh) till your 
heart's content."

Q: What is "boogaloo", and what does it have to do with Margaret Thatcher?

M. R. Austin ( seems to have hit on the answer:

"I have discovered why Margaret Thatcher fell from power. She had a
spleenectomy in 1991. AND she didn't use the sacred word of Spleenage,
that I shall impart to you spleen lovers. Say this often to help your 
spleen. 'Boogaloo!'"

Q: Has your mother really read this FAQ?

Yes, she has. She really liked the letter in Appendix A. It just goes to
show you, all the crap that you post on the Internet really does come
back to you. I just feel bad for all those people who post on groups
like when their moms figure out how to use Deja-News.

No, scratch that, I don't feel bad for them.

Q: Did Andy Warhol really lose his spleen?

Yes, he did, and many attribute the downfall of pop art and the rise of
conceptual art to this very incident. Valerie Solanis popped off a few
rounds into Andy, inspiring the movie, "I Shot Andy Warhol," which 
features one of Lisa's old coworkers, Craig, playing a gay guy.

Gerard Malanga has this to say:

"It was bad. He almost did die. His pulse was so low that he was pretty
much pronounced clinically dead. There was at least two, maybe three 
bullets. He lost his spleen. He lost part of a lung or a liver. For a 
year he had to wear a corset to keep his intesties in place."

(from McNeil & McCain, 1996)

Q: What did Ricky say when Lucy came home with an extra spleen?

"LU-U-U-UCY!  You got a lott SPLEENIN' to do!"

(complaints to, who posted the joke)

Q: So, who died and made Keith "God of the newsgroup?"

Last time I checked it was Sony Bono. Here's the appropriate passage: 

"And the skies darkened and did worms and frogs and small pink drink
umbrellas with flamingos painted on them fall from the heavens; and verily
did the sidewalks rumble and television shows were preempted for no good
reason at all but to show some gimpy septuplets; this would be the first
sign. And in Aspen one ex-variety-show host turned politician ate it big
time on the slopes, and lo, Keith was named holy patriarch of the
newsgroup. Amen."

Cher 11:14

Q: I've heard rumors of a secret spleen club. Are these rumors true?

Yes. There have been a very few passing references to the secretive group
called "Up With Spleens". Keith, the noted subculture researcher and spleen
know-all, had this to say:

"... you never see anyone talk about the spleen.  Only in secret meetings
of the Up with Spleens group, does anyone ever mention this organ.  We need to
be more conscious of our spleens or one day they will revolt and leave their

Clearly the development of public forums like alt.spleen is a new and radical
idea, a way to get the public to recognize the wondrousness and importance
of the greatest of internal organs.

Q: Why would anyone want a girlfriend WITHOUT a spleen?  

Again, brain specialist Elijah the Bearded has this to say:

"Having an SO without a spleen means you can clone your own spleen 
in the cavity from the other's splenectomy. This is a kinky perversion 
popular with graduates from Townshend Harris High School (in NYC). The 
idea apparent extends from a desire to have complete spleen compatability. 
With this lovers can exchange spleens as loving momentos during times of

It is of course possible to exchange spleens without having this full
compatibilty, but then there is an adjustment period both parties must 
go through until each become acquainted with the new organ. This is 
preferred in some S&M relationships. 

Even if spleens will not be exchanged while the lovers are apart, some 
still like the idea of a loved one living off part of themselves, as 
happens with the spleen cloning." 

He notes, however, that research in this area remains to be done, 
specifically liver-transplant style versus spleen culturing.

Q: Lately my spleen has been ordering pizzas and expects me to pay. 
Surely this is unfair as I have been a good host. Furthermore, how
could my spleen be using the phone?

Spleens are incredible organs, but they have a lot of difficulty using
the phone without letting their hosts know. There's a telltale "squish"
sound when they dial. That's always a dead giveaway.

B. P. Smith ( offers the following explanation:

"Probably the pizza delivery guy has a spleen for a brain and this has
created an empathic link to your spleen which gives these crazes for pizza
consumption.  So the best way to stop it is either to have a splenectomy
(unthinkable) or to shoot the pizza guy in the head.  Reach for the
revolver I say."

Q: Who is the patron Young One of alt.spleen?

It's Rik, but only because Alexi Sayle was disqualified due to a 
pre-existing stomach ulcer. Now shove off, hippy! 

Q: What's all this "ob" stuff?

At one point, I posted the following speculation about the mysterious
group of ob-English posters:

"i think maybe we're getting them all wrong. the might be a cult of
ancient Spleen-worshipping druids. i seem to remember a sect that talked
on OB-fuscated speech, and spoke entirely in lies. so when they say
something like 'pobay nobo hobeed tobo thobe obalt.splobeen FOBAQ', that
translates roughly to 'oh, exalted alt.spleen FAQ, we hold you in the
highest esteem and worship at your very characters!'"

Since then, I have done further research into this sect. It seems that
these ancient Druids have been worshipping the spleen longer than most
religions have existed, and we should pay heed and give reverence to 
these most ancient people. Their love of the spleen is great, even if
it is hard to read their posts.

Q: Is there a zine called SPLEEN?

Yes-sir-ee-bob! SPLEEN, which this FAQ maintainer found out about on 
alt.spleen, is a terribly funny little zine. The first issue had us
rolling on the floor. It's not well advertised, however, so if you want
information you probably should send mail to SPLEEN's creator, Dave Gulow
( Or you can write to him at:

- P.O. Box 8122
- Las Vegas, NV 89119

This FAQ gives SPLEEN four thumbs up. Definitely worth the time it takes
to read. Oh, and here's the zine creator's warning: 

"Portions of SPLEEN could be considered offensive to some, tasteless to 
others, pointless to most everyone."

Make sure you check out the alt.spleen FAQ home page!

Do you have any questions, comments or additions? I'd like your input! Contact
me (, and I'll be happy to help you in any way that I can. 
Please do not send me medical questions, though, since I am not a doctor and
have no medical knowledge.

Have a splendid day!

User Contributions:

Comment about this article, ask questions, or add new information about this topic:

Part1 - Part2 - Part3 - Part4 - Part5

[ Usenet FAQs | Web FAQs | Documents | RFC Index ]

Send corrections/additions to the FAQ Maintainer:
andrew stellman <>

Last Update March 27 2014 @ 02:11 PM