(Sorry for the length, but please help!) My husband posted...

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Question by shey
Submitted on 7/14/2003
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(Sorry for the length, but please help!) My husband posted via google to alt.polyamory in February, saying he might be poly, how would he know, stuff like that (search for gregory peterson to see question and response). I am really having trouble with this. Since he didn't give much background, let me give some... He hasn't had many (or any) really close friends in his life. He has had only one other sexual parter, other than me. We have been together for over 13 monogamous years. About a year and a half ago, my very good friend came to live with us for most of the last year and a half - on and off. We all drew very close, especially during my pregnancy with my third child, when her help was very appreciated. Greg and I work swing shifts, which left him alone with my friend 3 to 5 nights of the week. I was happy he was forming a close friendship with her, that is, until I found out he wanted to have sex with her. I tried to keep my feelings out of it and I asked her if she wanted to have sex with him (she was a virgin who didn't want to be). Her immediate response was no, and after discussion was maybe, but not if it would hurt me, which it would so that ended it. He also said he didn't want to hurt me and what he wanted with her was just sex (I'm not entirely sure that is true...). Lots of discussion later, we (Greg and I) realized we had a lot of relationship problems to work out, which really fueled my jealousy and his desire to go outside our marriage for sex. He decided to stay monogamous and work on our relationship. This was the end of last July. Now I find out he posted saying he thinks he is poly and he also posted a personal on another site looking for a friend/activities partner/fling - physical. He has said that for him sex is not related to emotions, but for me it definitely is, and I know that for him it is with my best friend (although he has tried to deny his non-monogamous feelings so hard he isn't even sure WHAT he feels for her anymore). I don't think emotion connected sex was what he was looking for from the personals ad. What hurt me the most is that he didn't talk to me about it - after all, I didn't leave him or anything last time this came up! I know he has tried to erase these thoughts, but he doesn't seem able to. I have now required him to go to counseling to figure out just what he wants (he agreed to), and I am kind of waiting to see what comes of that to decide what to do, but I really want to know what you all think... Does it really sound like he is just poly and can't live monogamously? I am really hurting about this. I am poly friendly, I don't think it is wrong, I just know I can't, not now, not with him, not this way, and especially, not with my kids (1,4,6). Help! Shey at sheydp@hotmail.com

Answer by fuzzie
Submitted on 7/24/2003
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One important aspect of polyamory is that it heavily involves openness trust, which seems to be something he lacks; let's be honest, him posting personals on the internet without telling you makes it seem like he's wanting to cheat on you behind you back. Another thing is that polyamory involves RELATIONSHIPS, and that sex isn't seen as that important; in fact some people poly relationships don't feel the need for sex at all. Certainly 'sex without emotions' is not at all what it's about, and it might be a good idea to discuss this some further, explain that you'd prefer to know the truth than for him to lie to you, and see if he is just trying to make it easier for you to cope with. You sound like you've tried to sit down and talk it out; this is definitely a good thing to do. You definitely need to remind him of the need to be honest and truthful, because relationships will just fall apart without that. "Erasing thoughts" doesn't sound like a good idea at all; it'd be much better for him to be open about the thoughts to you, to discuss them with you, and to just avoid acting on them, otherwise things will just get pushed beneath the surface and hidden. Counseling sounds hopeful. I hope it works out for you.

Answer by twin
Submitted on 9/9/2003
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i agree with fuzzie. this guy sounds like more of a head case than a poly pioneer. communication is low. relationship awareness is low. 'sex without emotions' - that's called swinging. plenty middle-class married guys dream about the uncomplicated nasty they could be getting with strangers and your friends. mainly male fantasy world. this guy sounds sorta bungling, so you may not have to deal with the real piece of strange. i do agree counselling is in order to square both your expectations and needs and his actions. he does have to be honest with you, even if he wants to leave. i don't like to think the kids are the problem, cuz this is about your relationship and the kids become excuses to dealing with it. and kids adjust to whatever. my experience: plenty monogamous women wait their poly men out. eventually the men realize they cant pull the hotties like when they were young, and being poly and sane with stable relationships is difficult at best. so they resign themselves reluctantly to monogamous intimacy. let's all shed a brief tear...

Answer by Ranunculus
Submitted on 11/19/2003
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I agree with the first poster, that trust is a foundation of any relationship. You say that you had "lots of relationship issues to work out". In my experience the only time when any outside relationship works is when there is already trust within the primary relationship. You say you feel "jealous". Often the umbrella term jealous is used instead of words like scared, angry or hurt. All emotions that carry a big impact. You might want to think about exactly what it is that is so challenging about his having other relationships. Sometimes defining exactly where your discomfort is will help, and might even help you craft an agreement that will allow both of you to be comfortable. One observation about trust. When there are multiple partners trust is important when considering how each partner will protect against disease. In today's world even having a "fling" can ultimately be deadly if everyone isn't careful. It seems to me that your husband should be very interested in increasing your level of trust in him, if for no other reason than to lay the groundwork for a more open relationship.

Answer by Wif
Submitted on 12/7/2004
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Little butterfly, until 2 weeks ago I didn't know that this Poly thing even existed. How come it is men that seem to feel this? After almost 10 years together my husband has decided he loves his colleague - he was also an Usher at her wedding! - Sick - And he has always slagged her off! I feel so hurt and annoyed - he is the love of my life and to find out that he has feelings for another is the most devastating thing that can happen. I know it isn't a sex thing but I feel I have lost a part of him. The worst thing is I cant speak to anyone about the situation I find myself in, I know all my friends and family would insist I leave him - I really don't want to do that - But I don't know if I can cope with this. I believe him when he says he still loves me and that his feelings for me haven't changed - we have always had a fantastic sex life, but that isn't everything. Does anyone know the average length of time it can take for these things to fizzle? As I put previously my husband didn't even like the woman - her husband is aware of the situation and apparently not too pleased either- in some ways I think if I could speak to him I would at least have someone with a common ground - I feel so isolated in this - but as previous answers go - obviously I am not the only one in this situation.

Answer by J
Submitted on 6/11/2005
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I agree entirely with what's already been said on Shey's problem, so I won't repeat it. Little butterfly: It sounds like what you really need is for the 3 of you to sit down together and talk about it. I know it's a lot easier said than done, but as long as he's only talking to you separately, there's always going to be these kind of "i am not willing to have her think that she is the one thats better" problems. Everyone gets jealous (well, everyone I know...), and we all know it's not easy. But if he's been honest with you, then you can't just blame things on him. If you can't deal with polyamory anymore, then you need to tell him that - that it's simply not a lifestyle you can live with anymore. Just remember that that puts before him a very difficult choice - he loves you both and he doesn't want to have to choose, so be aware that you're making him do so. If, however, you think you could try to keep living the polyamorous lifestyle, then you need to talk to both of them. Sit down with your husband and his friend and discuss the idea that both partners are equal, and equally loved. Talk to your husband and make it clear to him that this issue of equality is important to you. As a happily polyamorous person, I would, of course, recommend that you try to get through this by being honest and telling everyone involved how you feel, in a non-accusatory way, and discussing things openly. I know, however, that this is not always possible. There are some difficult choices for both you and your husband to make here, but the only way to move forward is to make them - people will get hurt if you decide to insist on monogamy, but if it's the only way you can be happy, then it's a choice you have to make. There is no easy way out here, but I think you already know that. Hope this helps :)

Answer by Confusious
Submitted on 11/24/2005
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Yes, it sounds like your husband could use counselling. But your relationship has a problem that won't go away if only one person works on it, and there's not necessarily a single correct answer. I don't see how it would hurt if you both went to counselling. This is not meant to suggest blame, but to look for a solution. Of course I can't understand your husband's point of view, but I could easily imagine myself in a similar situation. I like to think that I'd be better about communicating. But for the sake of argument and based on my own experiences: try to imagine what life would be like if you were really honestly in love with two people at the same time, and one of them refused to accept that. Ranunculus made some good points, especially about _how_ to confront jealousy (DEFINE it!). There are books on the subject. If you can get past the writing style, pick up a copy of The Ethical Slut. It might or might not help, but it's a quick read. Health concerns are not specific to polyamory; they are about as important in a polyamorous relationship as in serially monogamous dating. Of course, you're well past the dating stage... but a monogamous triad is just as safe as a monogamous pair. Obviously, swinging is a whole different kettle of monkeys. Good luck!

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Answer by dawn
Submitted on 12/8/2003
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I think in your case you should possibly look into some marriage counseling. After all these years of marriage all of a sudden he has decided this about himself. That just doesn't make any sense. The fact is that sometimes after being together so long and having children, jobs, etc.. The passion that once existed in marriages can start to fade. Maybe this is what he's missing now. So I suggest you try counseling. Maybe even try to spark some new intimacy or romantic gestures into your sex life. Try role play or different places to have sex etc. Just something new and unexpected to keep that spark alive. Possibly your husband is going through a mid life crisis even.

Answer by Dijita
Submitted on 3/21/2004
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I know this isn't technically an answer - it's more like a warning... I've been both in Greg's shoes and your friend's. In my opinion don't invite a third person into your home and life, unless you can accept the eventuality that other relationships may come of it. I've been torn apart by this twice. The first time my mate had her friend move in with us. The second a couple I was friends with asked me to move in with them. Both were disasters. Be responsible and allow those natural (under the circumstances) feelings be expressed, or remove the third element from your life before anyone gets really hurt.

Answer by Little butterfly
Submitted on 7/12/2004
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I have recently found myself very jealous of my husbands female"friend". my husband was very honest & I agreed to this however i am not willing to have her think that she is the one thats better. I don't know, we've been through alot. Plain & simple I don't want to share my husband at the same time i want him to be happy. I've told him several times if he needs to leave to do so & he tells me he loves me & that i knew when i married him how he was. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!

Answer by Lovely
Submitted on 3/9/2006
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Hello shey, I really hate the way that he is treating you, he is very selfish and he is NOT poly missy, he is a flat out cheater like any other man who wants to go outside of his marriage. I might be mistaking, but i don't know of any vowels that says i promise to love you, your friends, the nieghbor and internet women until death do us part!!!

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