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I have a poly spouse, I can understand him having other...

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Question by buenasnueva
Submitted on 11/13/2003
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I have a poly spouse, I can understand him having other relationships, but I can't stand the fact that he might be passionate with another woman, in my house, in front of me. He says if I don't accept the other woman, I'm rejecting him. and that's not what I feel. Does he have the right to impose his other love into our house?

Answer by Pollyanna
Submitted on 11/14/2003
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Does he have "the right"? Short answer, in my opinion, would be, No. Longer answer would be that there are two of you in the relationship, so both his and your needs and feelings matter. Both of you have a "right" for your needs and feelings to be respected and honored. Usually, there is a way for both parties' needs and feelings to be honored. In this case, my empathy is more with your feelings because I don't think that acceptance of the other woman has to mean that you have to witness something you feel uncomfortable witnessing. What love and respect requires often involves working out the details of time, space, and attention. For example, I for one happen to feel that I don't mind being in my lover's house if he has other lovers there, in the same room or otherwise, but I am not sure that I would want to have more than one of my lovers in my house at the same time. Also, how I feel about the other woman may vary greatly depending on how I get to know her and how she acts in front of me. For example, if I had the opportunity to get acquainted with her slowly, eventually it may be all right, or it may not. In any case, sharing space and lovers is a process and your feelings deserve to be honored, even if it's not the sole deciding factor.


Answer by Ranunculus
Submitted on 11/19/2003
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People handle the question of who, what, when and where in all kinds of ways.  My approach would be to sit down with your spouse and negotiate what is and isn't comfortable for you.  Your spouse should be willing to accommodate your feelings about this.  Before you talk, take some time to think about exactly what you are comfortable with, and what you aren't. It might even help to write it out.   Your question seems to indicate that you are ok with his relationship, just not sex in front of you, or even maybe in the house while you are there.  That isn't an uncommon feeling, and many Poly folks begin with very strict agreements about what is appropriate in the house.  If you begin to feel more comfortable later, you can always make changes to your agreement.  Writing out the agreement once you have made it would also be an excellent tool.  Not only will it help you be clear with each other, but it will be a good reference in the future.


Answer by lee
Submitted on 12/4/2003
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watch out for power! all three of you, that is. Have you met her? Do you want to? that would seem to come first. and he should watch that  "rejection" stuff. good luck.


Answer by AmethystWingsq
Submitted on 3/13/2004
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My husband and I talked about that when we decided to explore having a polyamorous (sp?) relationship.  We talked about it for a while, and we came to the decision that cuddling, quick kisses and such are ok while the other is there, in the room or not, but when the other is gone, anything goes.  It was a good compromise for us.  We respect each other's relationships, and don't have to see it right there at the same time.  It's worked great for us.  Think on it.  ;)


Answer by seamer
Submitted on 4/1/2004
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The language you've chosen to use here should be a sign that you know something is wrong, words like "impose" and "our house".  It sounds like he might be using guilt trips to get his way in your shared environment, "your"+"shared" being the key words.  He doesn't have the right to impose his actions with another woman upon you if you are not comfortable with it, you however do have the right to not have to be witness to it all.


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