I have been a swinger for over ten years with my wife....

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Question by duwizrd
Submitted on 7/10/2003
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I have been a swinger for over ten years with my wife. Before that I simply cheated. My goal has always been to get my rocks off. Now, I see that I am poly. Unfortunately, my wife f-ks up every relationship I have. Now we are seeing a poly-friendly relationship couch. He tells me that if we are to be poly it must be my wife's choice. This has thrown me into a state of deep despair. I do not want to lose my marriage as I fear I will never find anyone as good as I have. Still, I yearn for the loving relationships I can have that go beyond mere sex. My wife feels that I just want to find a younger replacement and doesn't agree to the poly thing. Everyone tells me I am a control freak and paint the situation too darkly. That I am using despair and coercion to force my wife into doing what I want regardless how she really feels. What should I do? Any insights?

Answer by paul16451
Submitted on 8/1/2003
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Unfortunately, there is no easy answer for you. You said yourself your wife doesn't agree to the poly thing and is making up reasons why you are (in her eyes) behaving badly. In other words, she can love one and only one person in the marriage/commited love sense. And you are not monogamous that way by nature. No wonder you are in deep despair. Your shrink is right, but not in the sense you may think. He said that poly must be your wife's choice. Emphasize the CHOICE part, not the WIFE part. Like any relationship, the decision how to live your life must be mutually compatible with your partner's decisions. You have chosen to be poly. Your wife has not made that choice. In fact, it sounds like poly just isn't for her and she is trying to make you understand that she will not choose that way of life. You can't condemn her for feeling the way she does...the poly lifestyle is just not for everyone, any more than swinging is. The only advice I have is to do some deep soul-searching of your own and realize that you will never be able to have what you want both ways. Not with this woman. You can either make the choice to live the poly lifestyle and let your wife find someone else who can live monogamously and give her the type of relationship she needs. Or you can decide to live with her monogamously. No matter how much counseling you get, only you can make the ultimate decision what is more important. And realize that over time, peoples' needs DO sometimes change...as yours have. But they don't ALWAYS change.

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Answer by bigal
Submitted on 7/19/2003
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Loving someone generally means caring for their needs above your own needs. Her fears are real to her until you make them go away. Try putting yourself where she is for a day, this helps in most cases. Most of all care for her and you will find you're answer...

Answer by company
Submitted on 11/24/2003
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I suggest finding a poly sensitive psychotherapist.You may locate professionals in Loving More Magazine. I have my favorite, and, well, I am hesitant to choose a therapist for you. If you love in Jersey or NYC, you are in luck.

Answer by pro-mono
Submitted on 12/1/2003
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Sounds like you shouldn't be married in the first place. Or go to the Arab countries where you have multiple wives. Otherwise, don't get married

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