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My X-daughter-in-law's family has been diagnosed with...

<< Back to: Bipolar Disorder FAQ v 1.1 (1 of 4)

Question by katydid1947
Submitted on 9/29/2003
Related FAQ: Bipolar Disorder FAQ v 1.1 (1 of 4)
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My X-daughter-in-law's family has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. For 13 years, my son and us, as parents tried to help this woman. It came to a point that my son could not handle the situations anymore. She would not get any medical help, and she was being abusive with the children. She had slammed her 5-6 year old daughter into a dresser and the wall. She choked this child a couple of years later. She had her on the floor kicking her. She LEFT her in the changing room of a large department store, because "the child was talking to her in a way she didn't like". She locked the child in a dark dirty scary basement in an OLD farmhouse that had rats and who knows what else in the basement. My son had to let her out of the basement. He was "trying his best to hold a marriage together", but he didn't know what else to do. I took her to hospitals all over the area, because she is bulemic also. She says she is alcoholic, also. She can really put away the booze, I know that. She was beating the two girls, ages 10 and 7 ,at the time with large plastic spoons. My son told her to stop, she became involved in a shouting and poking situation with my son. She called the cops, and alledged spousal abuse. She has a great history of lying and is very good at it. She had tried suicide when she was a teen-ager. Her father sent her to counseling. She said she learned how to manipulate the psychiatrists a long time ago, and was not worried about any of them around here. Well, she put my son in jail for abuse. He ended up divorcing her. She is VERY angry. She said she was just teaching him a lesson, and she didn't really want a divorce. She made a lot of claims in the divorce and they believed her as to the abuse, even when we know she had someone else make bruises on her before going in to the police station the NEXT morning for pictures. She has totally destroyed the childrens self-esteem. She has been physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive to them. She used a stun gun on the now 10 year old daughter, and it was turned in to Human Services. By the time a meeting was set up, she had threatened the children into lying about the incident. NOW, Human Services won't do anything, because they think my grandchildren are liars. She is completely paranoic, by using an attached recording device on the phone at all times. Me and my son were very distraught with her last week. He just bought a house and the real estate company said they needed her signature on a piece of paper, stating that my son was not behind in child support. SHE stated he WAS behind and would NOT sign the paper. Child Support Recovery Unit was contacted and said that my son was paid AHEAD. My son's attorney had to get in touch with them and tell them to waive the signature on the part of the X-wife, because she was trying to use that as a bargaining tool against my son in an upcoming court date. She has kept my son's children away from him MANY, MANY times and will not go by the court divorce decree. She has stolen them from him on occasion and would not give them back, when it was his time throughout the summer, that he has custody. The law won't do anything. She already has this grandiose feeling that she can do "anything" she wants to and not get into trouble. She even tried to run down my son with her van in the parking lot at WalMart. He didn't prosecute, but used that as a way to get child support lowered. So, she thinks she got away with almost murder. The oldest child, who is 13 at this time, wants to live with her father, but she is so afraid of her mother, she won't state it to anyone in authority. We don't know how to help HER. She has been beaten so severely, mentally, psychologically and physically, she has NO self-esteem. We found a paper she had written and it had hints of suicide in it, for her to get out of her misery. No one will help us. This mother is such a GOOD liar, and looks so tiny and petite, and sick that everyone feels sorry for her. They don't know that it is bulemia, drugs and her own way to get sympathy. She goes in cycles of being REALLY mean, to being just nasty. We, as grandparents, are not allowed to call the grandchildren at her house and talk to them. She uses the children as tools of bargaining or hurting other people. I am sorry this is so long, it just took over 15 years to have all this happen, that I could not explain it in a few sentences. There is a LOT more, believe you me. SHE needs to be put in a hospital, but SHE does not believe there is a thing wrong with her. It is everyone ELSE who is out to get HER, in her opinion. What would you do in this kind of situation? We ALL need help, ESPECIALLY the children. I can't stand to think of my grandchildren having to live in this situation...........Attorneys don't come cheap!!!!  

Answer by m
Submitted on 1/6/2004
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get an attourny


Answer by kezza
Submitted on 1/9/2004
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She is mentally sick, and is not capable of caring for herself, or her children. Obtain a court order for syc assesment. Document every event that happens. But above all, maintain a relationship with your son, if you lose hime it will all be over.


Answer by amalius
Submitted on 1/12/2004
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Get a hold of the ACLU! (American Civil Libertys Union)  I'm sure they can give you some options maybe even help you.   look them up on the web!!


Answer by Wordsmith
Submitted on 1/18/2004
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Dear Katydid,

First I would like to say that my heart goes out to you and your family.  I know this must be a terribly trying situation for all of you, even your ex-daughter-in-law who, if bi-polar may suffer terrible mood swings but also has moments when she recognizes how devastating is her illness.

Next, I am not an attorney and cannot give you legal counsel, but I can give you some advice.  If your grandchildren'smother has residential custody of them, the first thing you, or your son, needs to do is contact Child Protective Services in your area to have a home study done of the children's environment.  Simultaneously, you need to contact 1) the law enforcement agency in your area if you believe the children are being abused and/or neglected, and 2) an attorney who has experience in child custody cases.  There are two issues here.  Your former daughter-in-law is in desperate need of medical treatment for her ailment.  Untreated bi-polar disorder can lead to more than child or alcohol abuse.  It can lead to murder and/or suicide.  And its effects linger long after the abuser is gone.  It scars all of its victims both first hand and second hand like your grandchildren and your son.  

Be aware, however, that, if your son or some other family member is unwilling to take custody of the children, it is possible that the state will find another home in which to place them.  

Talk to an attorney and find out what your options are.

Good luck to you all.


Answer by dede
Submitted on 2/28/2004
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Hello Mrs.
I have the same disorder as your X-daughter in law.  Plus some others.  Hopefully this is not the situation but, have you had any kind of drug screening done to her.  Most of us that suffer from these types of disabilities will self medicate with Illegal substances!  Please remember she is not a person, in control of her self.  The paranoia she goes through daily is just as bad as what the children are suffering she needs just as much as they do.  I hope the children get out ok Grandma.


Answer by Shortymaek
Submitted on 4/27/2004
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WOW, DaJaVo !!  OK, I went throught his EXACT set of circumstances with my son and his, bipolar, bulimic, drugged up daughter in law just 3 years ago. I`d called Child Protective Services, that was a joke as she was such a great liar, as you know. I contacted the police, but it was always one of our word against hers and as there was a history with this, they weren`t sure who to belive. It appeared to be hopeless.
HOWEVER, we did finally find a way. It was dirty and under handed, but hey, her tricks were as well. We discovered that we had to get as nasty as her to fight this and win.
First, go to Radio Shack or somewhere, and buy a tape recorder for the phone. Some answering machine will record all calls as well. EVERYTIME you call her or she calls you, RECORD IT !!  Also, record EVERY conversation with your grandchildren. Make absolutely sure you mention the date and the name of the person your talking to. Example:
" Mary, I called to ask if I could get the girls to go to Wal-Marts as I wanted to put a lay-away in for them for next school year and I wanted Minnie and Moe to go with so they can pick out what they1`d like. OK, now you`ve mentioned the mothers name and the childrens names. Next say something like: Mary, lets see, this is what ? Sat. the 26 th. ? Make sure you give the wrong date so she corrects you herself !! Be EXTRA friendly even if it kills you !!
Once you`ve established this, your on your way. NEVER EVER speack with her without recording it.
Now I realize all you`ve heard about recordings not be allowed in court unless the other person knows their being recording them, but belive me, once her attorney gets a copy of this tape, YOUR now the one in control of things !!
Next, EVERYTIME you have your grandchildren, take pictures of any and all bruises, marks and or welts. And, RECORD when their telling you how they got that boo boo !!
Now, turn a COPY of each tape over to childrens protective services, the local police and her attorney. MAKE SURE YOU MAKE PLENTY OF COPIES !! When I did this, I as well sent a letter to both CPS and the local police and informed them that if something was not done this time, the next person to get a copy would be our local news stations and newspapers along with my NEW attorney, { which was still the same attorney I had all along, but hey, nobody needed to know that but us anyhow }.


Answer by Ernie
Submitted on 6/12/2004
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I agree, attempt to get authorities involved. But many cases you are simply not going to be able to stop the abuse. In those cases, simply love the mother and the children. Your example might the lifeboat they both need to survive. Children grow up quickly. As they mature continue to extend them your love, encouragement and support. Also, show love, kindness and empathy to the mother. If you do this they may be able to continue to have influence with her and eventually help the children understand that they are not the problem. The real problem lies with their mother. A mother that they love and is probably suffering. It is not an easy situation.


Answer by Mari
Submitted on 10/14/2006
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My ex-wife sounds just like your ex-daughter-in-law. In fact I have probably gone through everything that your son has gone through, except being jailed for abuse.  This was not for lack of her trying to accuse me of the act, just that the police officers caught her at some inconsistencies and wrote the report as mutual domestic disturbance.  I was lucky, because if her charges were believed that would make future child custody issues much more difficult.
So, how did I get custody of my daughter?  Again, I got lucky.  My ex-wife got sloppy and left choke marks on my daughters neck that were noticed by a teacher.  The teacher informed the principal and the police were called.  The police took pictures and my daughter's statement and finally it was more than just my word against hers.  The criminal hearing and civil custody were started shortly after that.  This took a long time.  In the short run she was able to finagle supervised visits with my daughter.  But under supervision she didn't have the capability to intimidate my daughter and the legal battle continued.  A year later and 2 criminal hearings down she decided to disappear instead of making a choice between probation and counseling or jail time.  This was a heaven send to me and my daughter.  Finally together!!!!  Now the healing could begin for both of us!!!
As a footnote, my daughter and I could not have gotten through this trying time without my strong faith and trust in God, emotional and financial help from my parents and family and good Samaritans like the teacher, the  principal and a tough lawyer.  


Answer by connie
Submitted on 1/3/2007
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My daughter is starting the same but not hurting her daughter, its me , she is 19. I am looking for help for her too. I have been writting around. Everything is my fault not hers. Maybe a court order to get her in a hospital? here is my story. this happen today.My daughter is 19 years old. She is a recovering addict that is on the methadone program. I need help. She has lost her baby to dss due to the drugs and the baby has been gone for 9 months and she is seeing a guy that I know does drugs. and if i say anything to her she flips on me and says mind your own blanking buisness. He is mentally abusive on her and when he is and I step in she flips on me and on ocassion has hit me and she said she didnt. She calls me all kinds of names. I moved in with her in her apt to help her get her life together and get the baby back. as it seems to me my daughter is  getting worse. She has no remorse for what she done. she blames everyone for something she has done. and it was either her or her boyfriend. She brakes things in the house, she puts holes in the wall. and an hour later she could be fine. like nothing happen. while I am a nervous reck. I dont know one minute to another what kind of mood she will be in. She sits there while her boyfriend yells at me and takes his side. I asked her over and over to get help. And she feels she dont need it. what can I do? I need advice fast. Her boyfriend will be leaving soon. I need him away from her. He has warrants and I contacted the police. I am worried he either her or I.
She doesnt talk , she always yells. please someone help me.


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