Hi:
I am a 50 year old male that would like to stay in complete denial that I am an alcoholic. Over the 17 year relationship with my wife, the last 9 years my drinking began to change drastically and affect our relationship. When our children were born, I noticed my drinking got progressively worse and the incidents were more serious and more heart wrenching for my wife, but she stuck through it because I always gave her hope that I would change. I thought I could hide the amount I was drinking; I would have one beer and keep replacing it with another hoping she would not know that I was not still nursing the same one – but she did. Finally we just argued all the time, most of it was about my drinking, but I would tell her it was her fault, I would blame her for our problems. I told her it was her fault because she wouldn't’t have sex with me and that she was always angry at me, when the truth was she was disgusted with me. The resentment was building in her, she had gone to Alanon, she had read books for help, but I would not support her. I was angry at her for not believing that I had it under control and I drank more and emotionally detached myself from her. Finally when the drinking began affecting our children I could see there were some changes happening, she had began to detach from me in her heart. One night my wife came home to find me passed out on the floor and my 8 year old daughter was hysterical because she was so afraid. When I found out what happened the next day, I felt sick. I made an attempt to stop drinking but I never actually went a day without a beer, I just controlled it more. The resentment in her grew to a point that she had to get out of our relationship. I knew it but I also knew that she would never leave me because she could not handle it financially and she has no family that could help support her. I was wrong!
Six months after the final incident that broke her heart she told me she was having feelings for a friend she had known for many years. She told me she loved me and did not want to pursue her feelings and break up our relationship but could not live like this. She immediately went to counseling to try to help her understand what she could do change her feelings and save our marriage. But, she needed me to be a part of the process and she asked me to join her, but I wouldn't. She begged me to stop drinking, even for one day, and she asked me to go to AA, or see a counselor, but I wouldn't do that either. I would clean the house, bring home flowers once and a while, but I would not go one day without a beer. After 5 months she decided that it was best to separate. She wanted some space so she could come to terms with how she was feeling, to see if it would trigger a recovery in me, and to also find out if she wanted to pursue a relationship with this other man. So I moved out and allowed myself to become the victim - again I blamed her. I let every one think that she had an affair, when she didn’t, I let them believe that she left me, when I had left her emotionally years ago, all because I didn’t want to be the bad guy. Four years later she is still seeing this man, but at this point she has no intentions to marry him. In my heart I know he was the catalyst, she needed him to be there for her, and the truth is that he is very good to her.
But, it doesn’t end here; I hurt her even more because for a year after our separation I taped her telephone calls without her knowledge. I had to know how she felt about this other man, and where I fit in and how she felt about us. I heard things I should never have heard. I heard her justify her feelings, I heard their personal calls, it destroyed me and because I heard all of these things out of context and during a very emotional time when she was making very emotional decisions, these conversations took on a very different perspective and it was unfair and unkind. I used the information I heard against her, by saying things to her that I could have never known because she had shared it with a trusting friend. She began to withdraw and thought all her friends were betraying her. She almost had a breakdown and ended up being put on medication for severe anxiety because of all the stress that I caused her. It was a friend of hers that suggested that her calls were being taped, so she searched the house and found out the equipment. She was totally traumatized because of what I had done, that I heard some private information but mostly she felt sick because she knew how much it hurt me. So I allowed those phone calls determine my decision to find her at fault!
So here I am, four years later and I still love her very much and because of everything I have done and heard I cannot allow myself to forgive her or trust her, how ironic, I don’t trust her. I am seeing someone else right now that I do care a great deal about, but it is a long distance relationship and it’s best for me because it means I am not accountable for my actions. We don’t argue because we aren’t together enough and I’m sure if I allowed myself to get involved that way again, history would repeat itself. I know I need to do some changing. So as I say, I am not interested in marriage with this woman at all. She also recognizes that I have a drinking problem and has tried to talk to me about it but she does not know the extent of what it has done to my life. Also, because of how I have portrayed my story, she does not know the extent of what it did to my marriage either. I cannot get any honest support from friends and family because they only know my side.
I am currently living with my sister and I know she covers for me, it’s unspoken, but it’s there. My wife says that she is my enabler. My sister, as others has only heard my side of the story as well, so she has no respect for my ex-wife and sees her as the bad guy, when the truth is; I am the one that allowed this to happen. I feel even more stress over this because if I had the opportunity to return to my marriage I would need to be honest about my part in the breakup and that means I need to own up to what I have done. My wife gave me 17 years of her love, loyalty and patience but I chose not to help myself. I don't know how to change this pattern because I don't know if I'll ever be ready to look like the bad guy. I spent my whole life trying to be a kind person and I'm afraid that if people find out about who I really am and what I’m really capable of and what I really did to hurt this woman and my children that I love dearly, that they will not stand by me.
Where do I go from here?
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