My girlfriend recently suggested an interest in sleeping...

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Question by alan.shenton
Submitted on 5/19/2004
Related FAQ: alt.polyamory Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) - Supplement
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My girlfriend recently suggested an interest in sleeping with other men, with my full knowledge. She would like to do this because I am only her second sexual partner, and apparently the first was not much good. She says she has no complaints with me, but would like to see what it is like with other people. She made it quite clear that there would be no emotional involvement, and I could have someone if I wanted. Having never approached this subject, I was naturally annoyed, hurt, confused, and (most importantly) worried. I told her in no uncertain terms that this was not going to happen, but I have started thinking 'Who am I to prevent her having experiences that I have had, but she hasn't?' I am really unsure what to do, so I have a few questions... 1. Does this kind of openness really work? 2. What about jealousy? 3. Is emotional involvement a big risk? I really need advice, because I feel I'm stopping her from doing what should be natural, and is natural to other members of the animal kingdom. Please contact me at alan.shenton2@virgin.net, because I very rarely get the chance to go to newsgroups etc, and email is easy. Thank you Alan Shenton

Answer by ccrider
Submitted on 4/8/2005
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dear alan, there is no way that you can put up with that. it may be hard to hear this, but she doesn't respect you. if you've been with other girls, that doesn't make any difference - if you had met her first would you have been enthusiastic about proposing to sleep with other people too? by the way, humans are naturally monogamous, so what's natural has got nothing to do with it. and anyhow, there are many 'animals' that are monogamous too, apart from the fact that some animals eat their own children, so just because something is done by animals doesn't mean it's 'natural' for us. last word - this will kill your relationship (how can sex with her be special if she's sharing the same thing with others?). and as for unemotional sex... it doesn't exist, especially for girls. and if it did - why would she want to dump emotional sex with you for unemotional sex with someone else? makes no sense, don't put up with it. cc

Answer by Nebula
Submitted on 4/27/2005
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Relationships like that can work. And they can strengthen the primary relationship. But they can also backfire and cause a lot of misery. If your relationship is strong enough to hold up to complete honesty, difficult feelings, and total trust, then you might be able to get a lot of joy out of the poly lifestyle. It is a good sign that you are approaching it from the aspect of compassion and love for your partner. One rule I have for myself is that I don't get into new relationships while my crush on the new person is very fresh. I wait until I know the person, understand their flaws, and like them anyway. That way there is less of the threat that I would become consumed with the new partner, and get confused by those dang hormones that get stirred up by sex.

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