Please forgive me if I'm unable to articulate this very...

<< Back to: alt.polyamory Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Question by ducttapegirl
Submitted on 4/16/2004
Related FAQ: alt.polyamory Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Rating:	Rate this question:
Please forgive me if I'm unable to articulate this very well, but I'll do my best. I am a monogamous person in a deep and invested relationship of 9 years with the love of my life. In the past, he has been deeply attracted to other women and this had caused incredible stress on our relationship, but we've moved on from those, as nothing came of them. Recently, through another "crush" of his, a dialog was opened to consider that maybe he was polyamorous by nature. This idea appealed to him and I've done probably one of the most difficult things in my life: I've given him permission to pursue these relationships to their fullest and am currently doing everything i can to understand and embrace the poly viewpoint and mores, even though the whole thing terrifies me right now. I've talked to poly friends, read stories of coming-outs and poly relationships, and I'm currently working on understanding my fears and insecurities. My main fear is that I'll be put on the back-burner while he's in the throes of new-relationship-energy. He has assured me that he'll do everything he can to negate this and that i can take a lover, too, if i wanted to. That's where the problem comes in. He was perfectly OK and encouraging of the thought of his best girl getting a best girl of her own, but the merest mention of a man sent him to the deep end. This would be well and good, except i have little to no sexual or emotional interest in women. Now, personally i doubt that i would even get into a romantic relationship with anyone else since i haven't been attracted to anyone else the entire time we've been together, but i find this viewpoint unfair and was wondering if this was a common reaction in new poly-relationships. As a sidenote: we've always had problems communicating as i'm very quiet by nature and he's very emotional; i also suffer from self-esteem issues, so the whole idea of him being poly opens a new can of insecurities for me that i'm trying to deal with. Also any advice and encouragement would be helpful.

Answer by foan
Submitted on 4/21/2004
Rating:	Rate this answer:
Let me get this straight, he wants to date other women, but you can't date other men? I don't want to be closed minded, but that sounds like a possessive double standard. If you can talk through this and figure out why he wants new people all the time but would be upset if you had a comparable new person, great. As for you not wanting anyone else, that is a more complicated problem. Perhaps if you worked on keeping this relationship exciting and new, until you can see that you have him in ways in one else will (after he's been with other people and been very supportive to you and open about his feelings through it) that would help. Otherwise, you may want to consider therapy to help you get out of an incompatible situation with someone you are very attached to.

Answer by singamum
Submitted on 5/7/2004
Rating:	Rate this answer:
My husband and I have been happily married for more than twenty years. I always knew he was deeply committed to me and I had imagined that required monogamy. After discovering that he had fallen in love with another woman during the past 18 months, I was confused. Why didn't I see it coming? Why did it feel like our marriage was actually improving? I felt convinced that I was the wife of his dreams (I still believe I am), so how could he love another? Finally, after all these years, he opened up and talked about this hidden, unfulfilled side of his nature. He thought he would have to bury these hidden needs in order to keep me happy, but of course this strain took its own kind of toll on our relationship. Once we opened up and shared our feelings in a spirit of pure love and honesty, the strain lifted and was replaced with intense joy and greater love than we have previously known. As soon as he said that he loved her, I knew she must be someone worth loving because I respect him and value his opinions and feelings. I agreed to meet her, to try and develop a friendship. I am amazed at how quickly our first meeting turned to friendship, then to love. I now think of her as the "sister of my heart." I never expected such a thing to happen, but it feels so natural and right and wonderful. We all look forward to and are preparing for the day when we can all live together as one whole family unit. For us, “fairness” really has nothing to do with it; i.e., “I have another partner, so you can have your own, too.” That works for some, but not for us. Like you, I too feel no sexual attraction to other women. I too have no desire to seek another man's companionship. My husband fulfills all my needs in that respect. I know that he loves me dearly and is fully committed to me and to my happiness. I know he would make any sacrifice for me; but I too love him dearly and want him to have complete happiness. For him, that means loving and caring for two women in a deep, emotional, whole sense. This image helped me to understand how our particular “triad” can work: I think of a lion pride—one male lion with two lionesses (and our children). The male lion is strong, loving and protective. The lionesses too are strong and loving. Each contributes to the whole; each is an integral part of the pride. Just as the male lion defends his lionesses from other encroaching males, so does our husband feel protective of us and can’t bear the thought of other males drawing us away from him. We (as his “lionesses”) look to him for our fulfillment, we look to each other for companionship, and we feel perfectly content to be three-in-love. It seems that what is disturbing you most is the thought that your husband may want to live a portion of his life separate and apart from yours. I think you could benefit from telling him exactly how you feel and what you fear. It sounds like he is willing to listen and to help you overcome those fears. Perhaps a “lion pride” situation will work for you, unless he doesn’t want his other relationships to include you. If that disturbs you, he needs to know it and to be considerate of your needs too. If you don’t need an outside relationship, his saying “I have one, so you can have one too” won’t work. All successful relationships have to be equally fulfilling to all parties involved.

FAQS.ORG makes no guarantees as to the accuracy of the posts. Each post is the personal opinion of the poster. These posts are not intended to substitute for medical, tax, legal, investment, accounting, or other professional advice. FAQS.ORG does not endorse any opinion or any product or service mentioned mentioned in these posts.

<< Back to: alt.polyamory Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

[ Home | FAQ-Related Q&As | General Q&As | Answered Questions ]

Answer by hey singamum
Submitted on 1/17/2005
Rating: Not yet rated	Rate this answer:
anytime you do want to share your cooter with someone else, look me up, otah?

Your name or nickname:
If you'd like to create a new account or access your existing account, put in your password here:
Your answer: