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i am a submissive, considering a D/s relationship with a...

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Question by spicey
Submitted on 3/19/2004
Related FAQ: alt.polyamory Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
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i am a submissive, considering a D/s relationship with a Master, who prefers poly fidelitous relationships.  i have no experience in that facet of D/s.  Neither am i bisexual.  This being said, i would be a monogamous partner, in a polyamorous relationship.  i am not sure how i would feel about this, but my underlying gut feeling says that if i am giving all of myself to One, i want the same in return.  Some would say this is selfish, and some would say i am not being submissive, by having this desire. Does this mean i am totally incompatible, with this One? How does one learn to compromise, in such a situation?  Its very confusing to me.

Answer by Atom
Submitted on 4/9/2004
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First of all, there is nothing wrong with BDSM D/s relationship.  Also, there is nothing wrong with polyamorous relationships.  A Poly relationship with your new master, and his other partner does not require you to be bisexual.  The other partner may not be bisexual either.  You should clarify this with your potential new master.

Polyamory can add a dimension to a relationship.  This can terribly complicate things, or it can make your relationships more fulfilling.  If you are someone who prefers fidelitous relationships, consider that you might have a fidelitous relationship with both your Master and his other partner.  A fidelitous relationship  requires openness and honesty, truth and honor, not monogamy.

You say you want to give all of yourself to one, and that may be an indicator of the way you learned to have relationships, and what you want.  In a polyamorous relationship, you would want to give yourself to your partners, and they to making things work with you.

Having a desire to have your partner, or partners committed to you is perfectly reasonable.  It is not a lack of being submissive that makes you feel this way.

Often it is the case that people who are raised with a monogamous mindset have much difficulty changing.  Trying to make a polyamorous relationship work when you are truly monogamous could make you (and others) very unhappy.

Trying to work out a relationship with your new Master, learning how to grow to feel okay about being Polyamorous, and also developing a relationship with the other partner could be more than you bargained for.

Without experience yet in being polyamorous, I think that working things out could be very difficult.  You could try developing a relationship with your potential new Masters other partner and see how it goes.  If you can't feel like you can like and respect them, and feel those emotions returned, then things won't work for sure.

Who knows, you might be surprised.  Imagine what it would be like to have TWO loving and nurturing partners both caring about you and looking our for your welfare.


Answer by Ravendiana
Submitted on 6/17/2004
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Having a "sister-sub" can for some women mean a source of comfort and support, but for others she is just someone who is taking up Master's time.  Only you can know who you'd react.  As your not Bi, consider the concept of a "sister" in how you might conceive your relationship with your Master's other girls.
That being said, being submissive does Not mean you give up your rights to your own thoughts, feelings, or needs.  Your potential Master is not showing a great deal of concern for you if he is just expecting you to deal with this.  You need to talk with both Him and any of His others.  Trying to force yourself into a relationship style you know you can't be comfortable in is ultimately neither safe nor sane.


Answer by Master
Submitted on 4/8/2005
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I am ok with a sub being monogamous she could be trained slowly into polyamorous relationship.


Answer by manuelokelly
Submitted on 2/11/2006
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You have heard a lot of the poly party line here. The second you mention poly amory or any of it's synonyms you will immediately be met with someone who wants to give this concise explanation of the general experience with poly lifestyle. This can be one of the annoying aspects of the poly movement. However  what others have said is certainly true. Moving from monogamous life to poly is stressful and sometimes hurtful to the unprepared. I think you should stick to being monogamous. I have one other thing you may want to consider. The major advantage to this style of relationship management is that you are free to love others. This means that instead of being closed to others of the opposite sex because you don't want to give them the wrong idea, you will be free to develop friendships and perhaps love without fear of misleading your partner or new friend. This is the absolute number one strength of this relationship type in my opinion and shouldn't be overlooked in your decision. I am sure we can all think of situations when we were 'taken' when we had to break off a potential friendship just because feelings were heating up. This is why I pursue non-monogamy. I view monogamy as a contractual denial of love for others. It's almost like we get off on the idea that our lover represses his or her feelings. So if that's a reassurance you need in a relationship you will most likely feel miserable. You will constantly feel jealous and under-appreciated.


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