My wife and I have been married for 8 years, and we have a...

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Question by learning0n3
Submitted on 3/15/2004
Related FAQ: alt.polyamory Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) - Supplement
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My wife and I have been married for 8 years, and we have a son the age of 5. We recently opened up our relationship to others and now I have some of these bad traits, written about in this essay, revealing themselves in my life. I have never belived myself to be the jealous/posessive type, but after all that has been done, I cannot seem to get enough time with my wife, or feel special to her anymore. I feel like I'm breaking apart inside. It is obvious to me that I am codependant, but how does that knowledge help me. Are there things that I SHOULD be doing to prevent, or at least diminish, the longing and pining?

Answer by Nebula
Submitted on 4/27/2005
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You have my sympathy. I recommend closing the relationship for a while or setting some boundaries or talking to her about your feelings and desires. Although appearing needy is sometimes unattractive and may have the opposite effect, you really need to solve the problems in the relationship before it spirals into something unfixable. Especially with a child involved. You might also consider finding a lover for yourself to while away the hours while she is busy. You may be able to draw your lover to you by exhibiting a happy and supportive attitude, while at the same time not being really needy. It is a shame that games need to be played sometimes, but it is really only psychology. If she feels that she can count on you to trust her, and you can be happy for her happiness, she will have no reason to choose another over you.

Answer by wickedconcubine
Submitted on 10/16/2006
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Sit down and talk with your wife, calmly and rationally. Explain to her that you feel neglected and a little bit lost in the relationship. Discuss the situation with her. IF you decide to continue with being poly, keep the following thing in mind and make the agreement with her. You always come first. Whatever either of you has on the side, your relationship with each other is more important. If that means designating a weekend a month, or a night a week that you spend together, that nobody else is allowed to be involved (aka on the fourth weekend of the month, no plans with anyone else. Even if you just rent a movie and spend an evening together... its time set aside that is just for yourselves. That may help with feelings of being neglected.

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