Label: »Another boring straight male» For context, see...

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Question by Kataja76
Submitted on 3/7/2004
Related FAQ: alt.polyamory Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
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Label: »Another boring straight male» For context, see the FAQ page, question number 8: »Why do some posts talk about Hot Bi Babes?» When I was a teenager, I sometimes thought I'd feel more at home in this world if i were a lesbian girl. My gender might be something else, but by sexual orientation I am, guess what, »a straight male». And quite a typical one, with just a very slight tendency towards bisexuality. I'm 27 years old and I've had two serious relationships in my life. The first was simple monogamy, the second included poly-curiosity from both sides. I've never cheated. I have had one threesome experience. I have loved two people (who knew about each other) at the same time, but I didn't make love with my secondary then. Now I'm single, although I still have a close and intimate friendship with my last partner. I would like to live my life and feel my love the way I am, at last. But it seems that my relatively small European home country has no poly community. I feel stupid even trying to find people like myself, even male friends, with whom I could talk about my feelings. To be honest, I envy my homosexual friends, who have an established subculture. They know where to go and who to ask if they have problems. Should I open my mouth anywhere, I'm way too likely to be labeled »another boring guy who doesn't want to commit to one woman and looks for threesomes» - or worse. (I could easily imagine a situation that my primary has several lovers while I have few or none apart from her. What I'm longing for is somebody who truly feels like I do and wants to share those feelings with me.) Thank you for reading this little letter. If you feel like criticizing, encouraging or giving advice, go ahead. I just wanted to write down my feelings, my loneliness, my frustration about getting easily labeled somebody who »regards other people's sexual preferences as a spectator sport». I'm also curious whether there are others who have the same frustration.

Answer by foans
Submitted on 4/21/2004
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Hello - I am a "hot bi-chick" who lives in Toronto Canada - arguably the most polyamourous city on the planet, and I still feel like no one gets me. For starters, the lesbians have a subculture very hostile to people who "fence sit", or won't pick a gender and stick to it. I am scared to tell queer women that I have dated men! I think its a product of being part of a newly outing itself idea. People get monogamy, an they get being attracted to one gender, and identifying with one gender. Everyone else feels ridiculed. My last realtionship of four years started as an agreed polyamory, buy then went badly as soon as I acted on the agreement with a woman, and never really recovered. This may be hard, but the best thing you can do is to open your mouth about this to as many people who will not ruin your life because of it. You'll feel better the more people you bring to sanity.

Answer by Kataja76
Submitted on 6/15/2004
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Thank you for your comments, Stormdancer and Foans! Thank you for the URL’s, Stormdancer! I have found many poly websites, and still those ones you gave were new to me. Well, some time has passed since I posted my »letter». I have been searching indeed. I have found a couple of forums where polyamory is sometimes discussed in my mother tongue, but no signs of anything that I would call a poly community. (Well, there is one possible exception, but their spirit is far from alt.polyamory’s.) I have »come out» to some friends, both straight and queer. I’m interested in translating some of the alt.polyamory stuff into my mother tongue and publishing the translations via the Internet. We’ll see whether I ever get that far. I look at the whole thing in a bit different way now, like it’s more about the general communication difficulties between people and somewhat less about belonging to this or that group. Anyway, there’s so much loneliness and fear around, I can’t help but wonder. Dear Foans, I have heard a couple of stories like yours. Dammit, why does it have to be so much easier for most of the people to hate than to love? (This is a stupid question but it feels right to write it down) Hoping to meet you online some time (though I haven’t been around in places where you might be lately), Kataja

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Answer by stormdancer
Submitted on 4/9/2004
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YOu said "But it seems that my relatively small European home country has no poly community." Are you sure? Have you gone to www.google.com and typed in a search for Polyamory [name of your country] or Polyamory [name of your city] ? Next, have you been to this European webpage? http://www.polyamour.net/ Then there's these: mailinglist in austria (mainly in german): http://groups.yahoo.com/group/polyamoryat/ http://www.polyamory.at/ Vienna/Austria/Europe http://www.polyamory.nl/ http://www.polydan.dk/

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