Cross-dressing (the fetish): What’s it all about?
Why do we do it? Who does it? When do we do it? What do we get out of it? Is it just a fetish? What do we do? Are we Gay, Bi, Hetero or unique? Is there a cure? If there was would we want it anyway? What does it mean for our Significant Others? Are CDs (Cross-Dressers), MIPs (Men In Panties) and TVs (Transvestites) different things? Here are some of my answers to these puzzling questions and the conclusions I have drawn.
MIPs, CDs, TVs.
First of all I have to define my terms for the purposes of this essay as there seem to be no universally accepted definitions of MIPs, CDs and TVs. This is unsurprising as all of us wear women’s apparel to a greater or lesser extent. For my purposes, I define MIPs as those who do not go beyond a pair of panties and perhaps a pair of hold-up stockings. My definition of CDs are those that, while they may or may not dress fully in women’s clothes, do so primarily for sexual stimulation and TVs as those who see their dressing as a lifestyle. Some of the latter of course are Transsexual men who feel they were born the wrong sex. I have applied these definitions merely for the sake of clarity not because I believe that there are very distinct dividing lines or that this covers all eventualities. Furthermore, the ideas I put forward here are almost exclusively about “CDs” as this is the bracket to which I belong.
Cross-dressing – by my previous definition - is classified as paraphilia, a ‘fetish’ <Ox. Dic. “Abnormal object of sexual desire”> though I consider there is much more to it than that and see cross-dressing as more of a diversion than a deviation.
Why do we do it? The simple answer is that we don’t know; it's a 'Compulsion', an urge to dress in women’s clothes. This means we have little or no choice, we feel a need to satisfy this urge and it is not something we can always easily put aside. It seems Cross-dressing, for most of us, is very like an addiction; once a CD, always a CD, an almost cradle to grave impulse though it may lie dormant and un-recognised or suppressed, never fully surface or be very cyclic, not occurring for weeks, months or even years at a time or indeed it may be ever-present.
On the ‘nurture or nature’ question, I do not believe many, if any; CDs were created by mothers who really wanted little girls! However it is possible that our paraphilia is the result of some circumstance of our very early upbringing but what this circumstance might have been is the subject of conjecture. In fact, other children may have had exactly the same experience but drawn a different conclusion from it making the pinpointing of the conditions very difficult.
No evidence of genetic predisposition to cross-dressing has been found or any certain ‘nurture’ circumstance that could cause it. Exactly why and how we came to see the wearing of women’s clothes as a sexual practice remains a mystery. It is no more explainable than many other fetishes but perhaps more understandable than some; and as unsatisfactory as this is we just have to accept that this is how we feel.
There is speculation that as young as three years old, when we become aware of our own gender, we begin to associate objects with sexuality and that our CD tendencies are the result of a misdirected sexual attraction to the opposite sex, focusing on female clothes rather than females themselves. This would preclude the necessity of any special circumstance and explain why most of us are heterosexual. So far this is my personal favourite theory.
The psychology fraternity offer us no proven facts as to why we cross-dress, there are many theories (inc. Freud’s) but most I have studied do not stand up to close scrutiny and a lot are put forward by people who obviously don’t understand us at all. Suffice to say that we just do it and it is, after all, a harmless enough hobby if the trouble is taken to understand what it entails. We don’t eat babies and, in many cases – though not all - we don’t frighten dogs!
Carl Jung’s “Anima” theory – (Anima: the feminine side of a male’s unconcious/partially concious mind (?) from Latin, Animus – Mind) - has some answers as to why we dress but his theory makes several convenient assumptions and is typical of many theories postulated by the more esoteric psychologists.
Loosely, according to Jung’s “Anima” theory, young males are subject to parental, peer and society pressures which curtail or repress the development of the child’s “feminine side” and this leads to the clandestine wearing of women’s clothes and accoutrements in an attempt develop or to pander to this “Anima”. It follows from this theory that the best thing we can do for ourselves is to cross-dress and thereby achieve a more complete and well balanced character. In fact, we should become nicer, more contented people all round, who knows!
Jargon aside and accepting that there is such a thing as a feminine side - or at least that masculinity is not as rigidly defined as society believes - I feel there is some small merit here as few boys will not have either been teased, embarrassed, been shown disapproval, scolded or even been punished for showing interest in certain articles, pastimes or behaviour patterns that are considered by society to be the province of girls. “You don’t want to be a sissy” (Don’t I?). While this theory does not fully explain the fetish aspect of cross-dressing it would certainly account for the clandestine nature of it.
One fault with the theory is that after some 50 years of cross-dressing I am as interested in wearing women’s clothes as I ever was, maybe I just have a slow learning “Anima” which after 50 years has still not “got in touch”! Or maybe I just enjoy it too much.
It would be interesting to know how many CDs had domineering homophobic fathers and if the now more liberal and perhaps enlightened attitudes of families and society, and the shift in fashions, affect the occurrence of cross-dressing in the younger generation. Particularly as women in western society have long since been cross-dressing in men’s style clothes to the stage where it is now perfectly acceptable, and the term Unisex is part of common vocabulary.
Most CDs start 'Dressing' at an early age, usually well before puberty, often drawn to their mother’s or sister’s undergarments - in my case my sister’s satin skating skirts - being the most feminine objects ready to hand. I am not convinced that the source of these garments is important though there are theories that say we identify with the owners, perhaps wishing to emulate them personally. In my case, I am sure this is not so, though for many MIPs the source of their panties does seem to have associative importance perhaps indicating that this is really just a panty fetish and only coincidentally cross-dressing.
Some men however do not come to CDing until they reach their mid thirties or later, one idea being that only then are they taking stock of and understanding themselves and find cross-dressing scratches a previously ignored and possibly not understood or hitherto suppressed “itch”. Interestingly many of these latecomers claim to have been introduced to it by their girlfriends as part of foreplay. Maybe they just didn’t have a sister who skated!
A dressing session can often be followed by feelings of guilt or shame - probably self-imposed by our more conventional macho selves - that may cause some CDs to periodically 'Purge' (throw out) their 'Wardrobe' in an attempt to stop, but in my experience this never works! At best, this is just temporary suppression and casting out ones paraphernalia does not make the urge to dress go away. Oddly this guilt does not usually seem to occur while we are dressed, nor after a session where we have not indulged in any sexual practice.
Whether there is any psychological harm caused by suppression remains to be seen, though from personal experience I would say that suppression can affect ones mood and lead to a certain amount of preoccupation and possibly periods of temporary impotence or lowering of the libido. Perhaps the desire to dress is too much an integral part of our sexuality to separate it from the norm and by suppressing it we “turn off” generally.
Short-term voluntary abstinence on the other hand seems to enhance the experience. The process of planning to dress at a certain time in the near future can be titillating in itself. Particularly if you have a largish ‘wardrobe’ and you can spend the intervening period anticipating what you will wear. Many CDs have several ‘personas’ that appeal to them, different looks that suit the prevailing mood. This choosing/fantasizing phase is an enjoyable part of the fetish and may even supplant the need to dress.
Who does it? Cross-dressing can be found in all walks of life and is said to affect around one in a hundred men, though this is obviously a guess, as good statistics don’t seem to exist, it is probably a conservative estimate. CDing is no respecter of age, occupation, class, intellect, wealth, religion, creed or race. It occurs throughout the world and throughout the ages in all but a few cultures.
There is no way to recognise a cross-dresser unless you catch him in the act. He does not typically look effeminate and in our society he will take great pains to conceal his fetish from others. By the end of puberty, most of us are adept at the concealment of our little stash of undies and making sure anything we have borrowed is returned to its rightful place. The most you may detect is a wistful glance at the ladies’ underwear department in M&S or perhaps someone too obviously ignoring the same. While many fetishes may be admitted to when “chatting with the boys”, this is not one of them. If nothing else, the fact that cross-dressing is so often made fun of on Television, film and in the media generally keeps most of us firmly closeted in public.
When do we do it? This is much trickier. For my part, I have found no constant in the frequency of the compulsion to cross-dress. It can be instigated by a walk around M&S or a passing Ra-Ra skirt (visual stimulation?), a period of depression, boredom, frustration or insecurity (escapism?), in fact all, any and none of these things may trigger the urge. I think we just have to be content to know it can happen any time, daily, monthly or sometimes not for a very long period. The only thing we can be sure of is it will happen! I have conversed with many who claim to have “given it up” for several years but have returned to it in the end, often after a divorce or similar traumatic life change (Emotional/Stress relief?).
As to what do we get out of it; there is of course a large element of sexual stimulation, which may be directed into any of the many diverse paths of sexuality. It seems to easily encompass or combine with many of the common fetishes and sexualities, but perhaps some of this is only a reflection of our ‘normal’ sexual preferences with CDing superimposed. However, given the usually subservient/submissive nature of CDing, it follows that some fetishes like Bondage or Female Domination may appeal and any other behaviour where the traditional male prerogatives and “Machismo” are surrendered. Spanking for instance, where there may be no interest in pain per se but only in the act of surrender/submission. It appears to be less about trying to be a woman than it is about trying not to be a “Man” for a while.
The desire to be subservient, spanked, dominated, humiliated or 'used' - by either men, or more usually women or other CDs - is widespread though this is not a necessity and 'Switchers' (Dom or Sub by choice) do exist.
Is it just a fetish? Apart from sexual concerns, 'dressing' fulfils a basic but more nebulous need. The feeling of contentment, comfort, liberation even, in putting off the masculine role - if only for a short while - is not to be denigrated (Stress relief?). The urgency of the compulsion to dress is diminished and the balance of things is restored. It is possible to become fairly obsessive if the urge is not satisfied but there does not have to be a sexual component.
And lastly, we enjoy doing it; trying on our wardrobe, admiring the effect in a mirror, the sensation of soft fabrics on our skin, walking in high heels and posing generally, the feeling of doing something illicit. These are very personal pleasures that are difficult to quantify but they do involve elements of “role play”, pretence and fantasy that could be interpreted as escapism and in today’s world, this can be a pleasure in itself. This aspect of cross-dressing I see as purely a diversion, an entertainment if you will, an emotional outlet and possibly a valuable safety valve psychologically, a mental gin and tonic.
What do we do? There are no hard and fast rules, MIPs put on a pair of panties and at the other end of the scale some CDs dress completely, cosmetics, wig, falsies, even a handbag. Most then masturbate while perhaps parading in front of a mirror or Webcam – mutual masturbation, ‘display’ and photo swapping with other CDs is popular on the internet - and some may temporarily step outside the male persona to the degree of desiring anal intercourse with a man, woman (strap-on) or fellow cross-dresser.
Even though fully dressed these may fall into my definition of Cross-dresser rather than Transvestite depending on their motives but I defy anyone to draw an exact line as there is a wide spectrum. I differentiate here between Cross-dressers and Transvestites - if in fact there can be said to be a difference - only in the degree to which they adopt the female role when dressed. CDs are often content to be 'feminised’ men in women’s clothes whereas TVs strive more towards being a pseudo woman, frequently fervently proclaiming their heterosexuality (?).
The most common approach for CDs is to don women’s underwear, often - though not necessarily - of the black stocking and suspender belt variety. Some are drawn to tights, while others to stockings and boned 'granny' corsets. For some it can only be satin while others favour nylon, cotton, rubber or leather. Frills, lace and see-through fabrics are also popular, the variety is endless and the nature of the desire - at any given time - flexible.
The desired image can vary between showgirl, tart, schoolgirl, French maid, secretary, Shirley Temple (Sissy), "the lady next door", baby or granny. Fabrics can play a big part, often it is the tactile sensation that is of interest or the translucence or shine. Colour may also be important, black, white, red and pink being favourites. Depilation seems to be more and more popular too, particularly of the legs and genital region (feminisation?) and the Internet has promoted the adoption of feminine pseudonyms for use in ‘chat rooms’ and email.
Some CDs use unlikely combinations to fulfil their desires, tights and stockings together for example. Flared or pleated skirts that accentuate the hips, falsies and belted waists or waspie corsets, in fact all devices that feminise the shape are well liked, as are full-length mirrors to admire the effect in and copious photos to peruse when dressing is not practicable. Adopting feminine posture while sitting, standing or walking is common.
And of course no outfit is complete without the high heels, which are powerful visual and tactile devices, not only feminising the legs but forcing a hip swinging gait and altering the normal male pattern of movement to one associated with the female. The tendency to “mince” (wiggle) when walking in high heels is very noticeable.
Most women know what it is to “feel very feminine” in certain clothes and I suppose this is the feeling that many of us try to achieve by our antics, coupled to the temporary putting aside of our masculinity and what we perceive as its obligatory pressures and responsibilities.
Are we Gay, Bi, Hetero or unique? It seems we could be any of these things but I consider the majority of us are heterosexual with what, at first sight; appear to be “bi-sexual” fantasies. Many of us would shy off actually acting out these fantasies that are predominantly centred on sex with other CDs and for most CDs the fantasy is sufficient. For sure, the dressing up part is paramount, but the degree to which we dress and what we actually do and the lengths we would go to when dressed vary greatly. It is not uncommon for CDs to imagine they have strict limits on what they would get up to given the opportunity but I am not sure how real these limits are when tested. Most will admit that in the heat of the moment, should it ever occur, they are not sure what they would or would not do. In this respect, we are often at odds with our own conventional masculine – and I believe mostly heterosexual - selves and the term “Bi-Curious” is frequently applied by CDs to describe this dilemma.
Though it is almost universal for cross-dressers to be attracted to images of other cross-dressers, - the phallus often being the point of focus and understandable when one considers the importance of mirrors in the fetish - and many have fantasies of performing fellatio or having anal intercourse, I am not sure that this is really Bi-sexuality. I think this is in doubt as men, as such, are not usually an attraction at all and if they are it could just be as a re-enforcement to the desired submissive feminine role.
I believe our fetish leads us – via the mirror - to see the image of a man in women’s clothes as a sexual ‘object’, to the point where the conventional definition of bi- sexuality has become obscured in that we do not consider other CDs, when dressed, to be ‘men’. Indeed, they are images of the very focal point of our fetish and it would be surprising if we did not find them stimulating.
Certainly many of us would contemplate mutual masturbation with another CD – significantly, only while both dressed - but never actively seek such encounters, and some do indulge but are content to merely fantasize beyond this point. Others partake in group sexual encounters with males, females and/or cross-dressers, again the spectrum is wide. Fantasies about joining a “straight” couple for sex or watching while they are being cuckolded (Submissive humiliation?) by another CD are not uncommon particularly in younger CDs and the desire to be penetrated by a “Strap-on” equipped woman (again submissive behaviour) is also prevalent.
Given that the first sexual experience for many small boys is experimentation with another boy, a lot of us are not strangers to homoeroticism. As the majority of us still chose heterosexuality as our lifestyle this gives me cause to question the bi-sexuality aspect of CDing. Of course, some CDs are Bi as some are Gay and some are ‘Straight’. Most however, are married or in heterosexual relationships and would occasionally like to “dress” when engaged in heterosexual sex. Though the motive for this is obscure; it may just be the result of our increased sexual stimulation when dressed as probably most of us are, after all, basically heterosexual.
The question of sexuality is therefore a little confused and confusing, depending very much on the individual’s motives, willingness to experiment and where one draws the lines. Perhaps the term “Ambi-sexual” would better fit the bill.
Furthermore and surprisingly, for most of us it seems cross-dressing has little or no relationship to, or effect on, our normal heterosexual sex lives even though we may occasionally wish to bring it into play. It could be said to be, usually, thoroughly compartmentalized.
What we CDs are not is Transsexual, Tran Gendered or Gender Dysphoric, and we do not want to change sex. We want - for a limited period - to be feminine not female. We are men who feel the occasional need to dress in and are sexually stimulated by - and enjoy wearing - women’s clothes, and who also equally enjoy - at other times - our masculinity.
There is a section of cross-dressers who claim 100% heterosexuality and who prefer to adopt the “sisters” type of role, platonic “girly” chats, shopping trips, tea and buns perhaps but these would fall into my category of “Transvestites”, a distinction I only make for convenience as they are outside the scope of my inquiry. Statistically, these are the most likely to have confessed to their partners and seem more likely to want CDing as a lifestyle.
Is there a cure? Better to ask “Is there a disease”. Another simple answer may be; there isn’t a cure, only suppression and lot of CDs might say that’s because there is nothing that needs curing. The only harm seems to come from fear of discovery and misunderstanding by others and the guilt/shame engendered by the need to hide this “aberration”.
It is never good to live in fear, though for some there maybe a certain frissons in taking the risk of discovery, nurse friends assure me that MIPs are common in casualty departments and many CDs claim to, daily, wear tights or stockings (beware the suspender bumps) and panties under their business suits or overalls. A few even take the odd late night walk or drive while dressed, just for the excitement. Make no mistake we do enjoy our hobby!
So what does this mean for our Wives, Girlfriends or Boyfriends?
The answer is that it need not affect them at all! Provided they take the time and trouble to understand just what we are about and are reasonably open, intelligent and of a sympathetic nature and realise that we take the sanctity of our relationship with them seriously, there is no reason that our "hobby" should interfere with that relationship. Fidelity is fidelity!
Unfortunately, the first confrontation can be catastrophic for some relationships, so it is not recommended that one enters into confession lightly. I think the best way it can be safely introduced is during foreplay, if and when the opportunity arises. For instance, few women will turn down the obvious result of dressing their closet cross-dressing man in a ‘babydoll’ or a pair of frilly knickers “just for fun”. Some may quickly realise the benefits, particularly if he is into French-Maiding and is good at ironing and dusting! And some may enjoy actually acting the boss instead of pretending they are not! However, it is only the lucky few CDs that have partners who show complete acceptance or at least passive forbearance, most cross-dressers are still in the closet or banished to the garage.
In the unfortunate event of you being discovered “en fem” by your partner at least try to find a well written explanation for her to read – when she has calmed down - if you don't think you’re up to explaining it yourself. The “I don’t know why I do it” excuse does not engender understanding and sympathy even if it is the truth.
Many women feel threatened or betrayed when confronted with a CDing partner, but if their fears can be allayed, their questions answered and they can be made to understand that the man they know has not changed in any respect and has probably cross-dressed at least since puberty without the world coming to an end, some women show a remarkable tolerance to it all, even helping with purchases. Reassurance that it is not their fault, that they are not likely to meet you ‘en fem’ at the local supermarket and that you have no desire to run off with the postman will certainly help and as to the reason you never admitted to it before, it should be obvious. Asking for understanding is possibly going too far as most of us do not fully understand it ourselves.
If by chance you are a “Significant Other” reading this in an attempt to understand, I can only say: Please don’t look on cross-dressing as a threat to your relationship or a problem to be solved. Too many wives discovering their man “en fem” banish it from their sight where of course it remains an unspoken rift between them and their spouse. You will only drive it back underground where it could become a source of resentment. Better by far to accept it as a fact and keep it in the open where it can be discussed.
Better yet, try looking at it the same way you might look at an obsession with football or golf; you may not understand it (who does?) and it may seem an odd thing to do (believe me it is) but if he enjoys it and its cheap (Oxfam), where’s the harm? If he fantasized about playing for Chelsea, would you ask him to stop wearing their shirt? If this sounds flippant, it is just that I do not see cross-dressing as being any more serious a problem than that, possibly less!
If you find you cannot come to terms with it, try to find a solution that satisfies you both, remember your man is a cross-dresser not a leper. He did not ask to be a cross-dresser and would no doubt prefer, and be relieved by, an open discourse; it can be a lonely and perplexing business. In addition, he may be as confused as you as to why he does it so there may be no use asking for an explanation.
If you do accept it don’t be afraid to offer help and advice, he will think kindly of you for it and as I have found, though this is perhaps not the usual way of looking at it, it can be fun and could solve the birthday present problem.
How did the zip on your skirt get broken or the hooks on your bra get un-bent, have you got an Angora jumper that seems to have got bigger? If you have a suspicion that your man is a CD - those strange knickers may not mean another woman after all – and you feel ok about it, try dressing him up one night when the mood is right. You may be pleasantly surprised, I’m sure he will be!
It’s an embarrassing businesses for him too so don’t just wade in and confront him with it. A moment he has been dreading most of his life has just come! Cross-dressing is a pretty weird hobby and most of us realise just how silly we can look, so try not to laugh too loud. Discovery and ridicule are the things most of us fear while wishing there was an easy and safe way to tell all, being in the closet can be fairly traumatic and very frustrating.
A final word of consolation to doubtful ladies, if he is cross-dressed he’s not down the pub! A final word of advice, buy him his own things and you will not get yours stretched out of shape! And remember, cross-dressing is not a threat to you or your relationship unless you make it into one. He does not need a psychiatrist, a marriage guidance counsellor or anyone else, just a bit of tolerance, understanding and support.
All of the above are generalizations of my own ideas formed after over fifty years of cross-dressing, thirty-eight years of marriage (twenty-seven out of the closet) and many Internet conversations with kindred spirits. If some of what I have written seems contradictory, it is only because the subject has a very broad spectrum. I am still searching for answers but I am content with and enjoy my imposed “hobby” which I consider harmless and benign, though as a rather masculine man I still live in fear of discovery and the ridicule of society at large which - if Jung is to be believed - may have started me on this path in the first place.
Lastly, as this is a “work in progress” I would welcome any critique, opinion, suggestion or question to jayseedee@yahoo.com James Brown 2006
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