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I am currently envolved in two relationships, one with a...

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Question by CB
Submitted on 2/6/2004
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I am currently envolved in two relationships, one with a married man and the other with a divorced man.  The first relationship was started with the married man while I was still married.  We met a work and one thing led to another.  We fell in love and still manage to see each other from time to time.  My marriage of 10 years ended due to the extreme overpowering love I felt and still for this man.  But now, in the last couple of months I have met another man who has truly fallen for me.  He is a lovely person both with me and my son.  When I first met him I did not think we would ever be more than just friends, but it actually has turned into a relationship so powerful that I cannot stand being apart from him too long.  I too believe I am falling in love with him.  So now I find myself loving and caring for (2) men in my life.  Is it possible to love these two men in my life equally and is this considered a polyamorous relationship.  My 2nd lover knows about the first lover but the first lover would leave me if I told him about the other man.  I am not willing to leave either one of them, for each one brings something new to the table.  They each have special qualities that I am not willing to forego, yet my 2nd lover does not like the fact that I am involved with another man.  He is not accepting of it, but is trying to understand.  He would rather try to understand than lose me.  He is afraid that I would be a true polyamorous person who is insaciable and always needs to have more than one man in her life to fulfill her.  I don't know if I am or not, but being gemini I do like change.  maybe this is characteristic of my traits as a gemini.  I really don't know.  Therefore, can you please give me some advice?  Will I eventually need to make a decision over one or the other?  I don't want to lose either one of them at present.

Answer by J
Submitted on 6/11/2005
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You're not going to like my answer, but here it is:

You need to be honest.  It sounds to me like you are a polyamorous person, or, for those who don't like that kind of labeling, it sounds as though you are a person who, at the moment, is naturally disposed to being in a polyamorous relationship.

It's good that your second partner is trying to understand, but bad that he still views being "a true polyamorous person" as negative.  Perhaps you need to sit down with him and explain that yes, this is a possibility, and no, you don't think that's a bad thing.

Your first partner is more difficult.  More than anything, I want to emphasise that you should be honest with him.  It's not fair on either of you for you to pretend there's no one else.  Personally, my advice would be to sit down with him and explain that you're still totally in love with him, but that you're in love with someone else as well.  Make it really clear that this does not mean you love him any less - you can use the kind of analogy that runs a bit like 'we can have many friends, and that doesn't mean we love them any less, and in the same way, I love more than one person, but that does not mean I love either of you any less.' There is, of course, the possibility that he won't accept it, and that's the risk you take.  But if you really love both of them, and a polyamorous relationship is what you need to make you happy, then it's a risk that's worth it.

He may say that you have to choose, he may say that he'll leave you unless you stick to monogamy, and then you will have to choose.  That's a very personal choice that you'll have to consider *then*.

But - he may reward your honesty by being willing to listen, and to at least try to understand.  Take full advantage of all the resources available, on the net, and in books - there are excellent explanations of poly that can be very helpful in helping a partner understand.

In short, my advice is this - BE HONEST.  No one is happy in the current situation, and honesty is the only way to move forward.

Good luck!


Answer by Eggplant137
Submitted on 11/24/2005
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Lover #1 believes it's very important that you be monogamous?  Since you're deceiving him about this, you are cheating on him.  Yes, it's an ugly word.

Of course, it sounds like Lover #1 is cheating on his wife, or else believes that only men should be allowed to have multiple lovers.  Such double standards seem to say all kinds of bad about him--be very careful what you get into here.  From your question it sounds like he has problems with honesty and self-consistency.  Don't expect to be the one lover he manages to be honest with.

Back to you: the excuse you have for cheating is that having another lover means something different to you than it means to Lover #1.  When there's something in your life that a partner _cannot_ understand, there's a problem.  If it's something that he will enthusiastically misunderstand, then it becomes very important to the relationship.  If he finds out on his own that you are cheating on him all hell will break loose, since he will believe that it means you don't love him.  Since you act as though you still love him (since you do), he will be very very confused and scared.  And if he's lying to his wife in the first place but would take a dim view of you cheating on him, he may be likely to explain odd behaviour by assuming all kinds of dishonesty in others (ie. you).

My advice: assuming that insufficient information led me to judge Lover #1 too harshly, try your best to educate Lover #1 as to what Lover #2 means to you (ie. Lover #1 shouldn't be threatened).  If you can't do that (and chances are depressingly high that he won't understand no matter what you do) then yes, you will have to choose.  Better to lose someone you care about than to live dishonestly.

Good luck!


Answer by bhav
Submitted on 2/18/2006
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maybe you should stick with both of them for now and enjoy them both.just see who can make you feel like a queen and treats you same as time passes by


Answer by Judith
Submitted on 4/28/2006
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Dear Restless.
I think the decision is quite easy to make. I know there is a lot at stack for you and your feelings & emotions. But considering both men and their part that they bring to your table, try to be realistic. I know you like both but here is your simple answer: The first (married) guy will never get a divorce for You (he would have done it for you by now.) Therefore your future lies with that second guy. Evidence: He likes your son. He likes you. He would not give up on you.
If you think for a future life for you and your son you should consider the 2nd guy (divorced).


Answer by mememe
Submitted on 9/28/2006
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would you mind sharing them with other women?
if you really love someone, you don't want that, you'll end up loosing both!!!!


Answer by Understanding
Submitted on 12/27/2006
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Everyone has ability to love multiple people.

This is probably about the time where you are realizing the married man will never be with you and only you.

You only see him from time to time? You realize you need love, to feel fulfilled, to spend time and share life with someone else.

It doesn't mean you no longer love the married man, you simply realize it's not realistic to keep waiting.

I'm sure somewhere deep down you really would like to share endless moments with a special someone - who when you get together you laugh as if to some inside joke, that only you two seem to get - but you don't really remember what it is.

Someone who makes you feel on top of the world, and makes you realize things about yourself you never knew :)

Rather than waiting for when it's convenient for someone who has pledged their life to be with someone else they have no intention of ever giving up to be with you.

My best friend is married and calls me his soul mate. He pledges his love to me every so often. But he will never be with only me. I know this as well as he does, at least until he's worked it out of his system - his insatiable need to prove he's a man and can please women or whatever it is.
I'm in love with my current boyfriend - and expect to be in love with him forever. I've flirted and thought of other men, but none of them compare. Sure I still love my best friend dearly - but he could never love me the way I need to be loved. So I am content with our friendship :)

You can't waste your life waiting - you need to live it!


Answer by Blue Pages
Submitted on 5/31/2007
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May i became the third man in your life ?


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