My lover is a polyamorus bisexual. We have been seeing each...

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Question by MKC
Submitted on 2/1/2004
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My lover is a polyamorus bisexual. We have been seeing each other for about 6 months, and I recently moved in with him. He is sweet, fun, attractive, intelligent and great in bed. He has at times literally dropped what he was doing to help me or give attention when I need it. I didn't think guys like him existed! I am really having a hard time with jealousy. We discussed ployamory early in the relationship and though I am OK with it in theory, I freak out when I think of him actually being with someone else. I told him this and he has not been with anyone new yet. Recently he told me he'd love to do some exploring and I think it could be fun too under the right circumstances. While I think it could be fun to experiment with another couple or share someone in a three way, I am not ready to deal with him staying out all night at a new lover's place or having a lover in his bedroom, knowing they are making love while I am upstairs alone. Is this natural or am I being selfish? He has hooked up with a couple of lovers he had before meeting me in the past and usually after he is with them, he is that much more attentive to me when we next see each other. Because of this, I know I can hang with the poly crowd once I get through that first incident. I love this man and I am willing to compromise to make our relationship work. He has encouraged me to take other lovers, but I simply haven't met anyone lately that I want to hook up with. I feel that I should take a lover anyway, so that I don't resent it when he does. How can I give him the space he needs,keep things harmonious in our household and protect my own feelings? This is not only my first polyamorus relationship, but it's my first committed relationship of any kind. I am clueless. Can anyone out there help me?

Answer by stormdancer
Submitted on 4/9/2004
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Having a mutual love is not always the answer. I am a married poly bi woman who has yet to get sexual with a female. And three times in the past, I have been attracted to a woman, I start dating her casually a few times, and then she meets my husband...the woman ends up liking us both, but prefers my husband. Its a major source of jealousy for me. So we set up a boundary: if I am interested in a woman, I tell hubby immediately and he knows that that particular woman is hands-off to him until she or I has made it clear that its not happening for either of us. After I lose interest, then he is free to try for her. But if he keeps getting in the way, I am never going to get a woman in my life. Geez. This may not be directly helpful, I realize, but I am not done. Realize that you can be very creative with your boundaries if you communicate as clearly as possible. Write it down if you have to! Boundaries that make you comfortable might be : Only have sex with someone I approve of. Never have sex in our bed. Never have sex in our house. Only have sex in our house, never anywhere else. Never kiss her/him in my presence. Only kiss her/him in my presence. Only have sex with him/her if I am in the bed too. Never take him/her to our special place. (park, theatre, restaurant) Always celebrate holidays with me. (specify) I don't want to know the details of your dates. I do want to know the details of your dates, all of them. Always use safer sex, condoms, gloves and dental dams. Never spend more than $30 on any date with them. Major first-run [your choice of genre] movies I always want to watch with you first. ===================== You can be very creative. Have you thought to create a relationship agreement? Here's a few examples: http://www.polyamorysociety.org/contracts.html

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Answer by Dijita
Submitted on 3/21/2004
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I think that if you had mutual male lover, you would both be happy and you would never feel he was 'off with someone' I don't think Poly has to equal promiscuous

Answer by Cherokee Woman
Submitted on 7/2/2004
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you knew in was into other people...you need to get over before he gone..And swing is not for yoyu.

Answer by Lost The Battle
Submitted on 1/7/2007
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I've dated someone who was poly but he broke my heart. He told me he loved me and that I was his first priority but he left with my friend and made love to her in the next room. Be prepared. Knowing this just about killed me. Now we're appart and I'm the one who is hurting inside.

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