I have been a monogamous person all my life. Now however, I...

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Question by JMB
Submitted on 1/1/2004
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I have been a monogamous person all my life. Now however, I have met a polyamorus person who communicates, is open, honest and absolutely loves me with all her heart. She also deeply loves 2 other persons. 1 with whom she lives with and 1 who lives 300 miles away. I am afraid, I want to understand, I want to love her enough to accept she is having sex with 2 other people, but what do I do with the feelings that I have never experienced. I adore her and RESPECT her, but I cannot help being jealous knowing that at night she sleeps with someone else. Please help me come up with some valuable advise that may help me conqueor my fears of failing this Polyamorous dating relationship.

Answer by leFOXX
Submitted on 2/6/2004
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I think it is best that you first try to figure out your fears. Example: You cannot POSSIBLY be afraid of only the event of her having sex with 2 other people. I bet that you fear the consequenses of this event. This may be fear of getting a sexual transmitted disease, -fear of being bad in bed(afterall, she can compare, -fear of not getting enough quality time with her.. it is possible to be afraid of many things. Then, when you start figuring this out, talk to her, and ask that she help you conquer some fears. Some are qouite easily overcome: If you know ALL ov her lovers, and ALL of their lovers, as well as sexual habits, then you could all go to the doctor and have him/her check you all out, and give you all the results, so all of you will know. As for being bad in bed: you probably will be, IF she doesent tell you what she likes. If you both tell eachother, and after a few times, you'll get to know eachother better. I believe it to be important to communicate to har (and her partners). Ask what you need to know, tell what you fear, FORGET social standards and norms, such as the "monogomous, of-course" attitude. Its not like you are planning to rob or hurt somebody, and thus, there shold not be a penalty for this.

Answer by Reina
Submitted on 2/13/2004
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From what you have said, it sounds like your jealousy may be due in part to the fact that you know someone else is enjoying the pleasure of having sex with someone you deeply care about, but I think it is important to think about the fact that her relationships with other people need not affect the unique relationship you share with her. I would make an analogy to feeling the breeze or watching the sunset, even though you know other people are able to enjoy these same pleasures, knowing that shouldn't take away from your enjoyment of them- and it shouldn't make you enjoy them any less. I think the problem is that many people get satisfaction or enjoyment out of knowing that they exclusively experience a particular pleasure that no one else does, and this may be what you feel you are missing in a polyamorous relationship.

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