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M*A*S*H FAQ


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Archive-name: tv/mash/faq
Last-modified: 1996/06/17
Posting-Frequency: Monthly

See reader questions & answers on this topic! - Help others by sharing your knowledge
		    ****************************************
		    *                                      *
		    * THE OFFICIAL INTERNET M*A*S*H F.A.Q. *
		    *    for the newsgroup alt.tv.mash     *
		    *                                      *
		    ****************************************


==============================================================================

PURPOSE OF THIS FAQ:
--------------------

   If any regular TV series should have its own newsgroup, M*A*S*H definitely
qualifies.  Created as a spin-off of the original M*A*S*H movie, it has won
countless numbers of awards, world-wide critical acclaim and the devotion of
an army of loyal fans.  Its final episode still holds the record for being the
most-watched single show in television history, and millions of viewers can't
be wrong!
   The 251 episodes of M*A*S*H have had the effect of making the regular cast
seem almost like family members to us.  For this reason, the majority of
questions posted to the Usenet newsgroup alt.tv.mash inquire about character
backgrounds, idiosyncracies, famous quotations, memorable scenes, and other
sentimental things.  This FAQ hopes to provide the answers to some of these
questions... as well as to stir up other ideas and opinions that can be shared
with the newsgroup!

NOTE:   PLEASE SEND ANY UPDATES, ADDITIONS, CORRECTIONS OR CRITICISMS TO:
-----   Mark Rosteck <ematias@cs.toronto.edu>.
	IF YOUR MAIL BOUNCES FROM THAT ADDRESS, PLEASE TRY THIS ALTERNATE:
	Doug Krause <dijon@lido.com>.


==============================================================================

TABLE OF CONTENTS:
------------------

NOTE:  An asterisk (*) in front of a question means that the FAQ inclusion
-----  for that question has been updated since the last FAQ posting.

   Q01: Which awards did M*A*S*H receive over its illustrious 11-year span?
   Q02: Have any books or guides about M*A*S*H been published?
   Q03: Where were the M*A*S*H episodes filmed?
   Q04: What would a M*A*S*H Family Tree look like?
   Q05: Did any now-famous actors play small bit-parts on the M*A*S*H series?
   Q06: What were some of the "Potterisms" uttered by our beloved Colonel?
   Q07: Which paintings did Colonel Potter make while at the 4077th?
   Q08: Which films were shown (or talked about being shown) at the 4077th?
   Q09: What is the exact wording of some famous M*A*S*H quotations?
   Q10: What are the full lyrics to the theme song, "Suicide is Painless"?
   Q11: What are the lyrics to the Army song in the episode "Movie Tonight"?
*  Q12: What are some of the crazy Section-8 stunts that Klinger has pulled?
   Q13: What are some significant addresses on (or from) M*A*S*H?
   Q14: What are the rumours about various cast members leaving the show?
   Q15: Which tents/structures/areas make up the 4077th camp?

   MISC Q&A's: Miscellaneous Q&A's that don't fit into the above sections.

   Appendix01: List of contributors to the FAQ.
   Appendix02: Where to get the FAQ and other M*A*S*H goodies.


==============================================================================

Q01: Which awards did M*A*S*H receive over its illustrious 11-year span?

A01: This chronological list of awards was blatantly ripped from "M*A*S*H
     The Exclusive, Inside Story of T.V.'s Most Popular Show" for your
     browsing pleasure, and seems to be fairly complete.  Thanks to Doug
     Krause for typing it all in.


1973
----
Directors' Guild Awards
  Gene Reynolds -- M*A*S*H Pilot

Writers' Guild Awards
  Teleplay by Larry Gelbart, "Chief Surgeon Who?"

American Cinema Editors -- Eddie Awards
  Fred W. Berger, A.C.E. -- "Bananas Crackers & Nuts"

Hollywood Foreign Press Association -- Golden Globe Awards
  (category??) -- Maclean Stevenson


1974
----
Academy of Television Arts and Sciences -- Emmy Awards
  Outstanding Comedy Series -- Gene Reynolds and Larry Gelbart, Producers
  Best Lead Actor in a Comedy Series -- Alan Alda
  Actor of the Year -- Series -- Alan Alda
  Best Directing in a Comedy -- Jackie Cooper, "Carry On, Hawkeye"

American Cinema Editors -- Eddie Awards
  Fred W. Berger, A.C.E. and Stanford Tischler, A.C.E., "The Trial of
    Henry Blake"


1975
----
Academy of Television Arts and Sciences -- Emmy Awards
  Outstanding Directing in a Comedy Series -- Gene Reynolds, "O.R."

People's Choice Awards
  Favorite Male Television Performer -- Alan Alda (Tie with Telly Savalas)

Hollywood Foreign Press Association -- Golden Globe Awards
  Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical -- Alan Alda

Writers' Guild Awards
  Teleplay by Larry Gelbart and Laurence Mark, "O.R."

American Cinema Editors -- Eddie Awards
  Fred W. Berger, A.C.E. and Stanford Tischler, A.C.E., "A Full Rich Day"


1976
----
Academy of Television Arts and Sciences -- Emmy Awards
  Outstanding Directing in a Comedy Series -- Gene Reynolds, "Welcome to Korea"
  Outstanding Film Editing for Entertainment Programming For A Series --
    Stanford Tischler and Fred W. Berger, "Welcome to Korea"

Hollywood Foreign Press Association -- Golden Globe Awards
  Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical -- Alan Alda

Writers' Guild Awards
  Teleplay by Everett Greenbaum and Jim Fritzell and Larry Gelbart, "Welcome
    to Korea"

The George Foster Peabody Awards
  For Broadcast Excellence -- M*A*S*H

1977
----
Academy of Television Arts and Sciences -- Emmy Awards
  Outstanding Continuing Performance by a Supporting Actor in a Comedy
    Series -- Gary Burghoff
  Outstanding Directing in a Comedy Series -- Alan Alda, "Dear Sigmund"

Directors' Guild Awards
  Alan Alda, "Dear Sigmund"

Writers' Guild Awards
  Teleplay by Alan Alda, "Dear Sigmund"


1978
----
People's Choice Awards
  Favorite Television Comedy Program -- M*A*S*H

American Cinema Editors -- Eddie Awards
  Stanford Tischler, A.C.E. and Larry L. Mills, "Fade Out, Fade In"


1979
----
Academy of Television Arts and Sciences -- Emmy Awards
  Outstanding Writing in a Comedy or Comedy-Variety or Music Series --
    Alan Alda, "Inga"

People's Choice Awards
  Favorite Television Comedy Program -- M*A*S*H
  Favorite Male Television Performer -- Alan Alda

Writers' Guild Awards
  Teleplay by Gary David Goldberg, "Baby It's Cold Outside"


1980
----
Academy of Television Arts and Sciences -- Emmy Awards
  Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy or Variety or Music Series --
    Harry Morgan
  Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy or Variety or Music Series --
    Loretta Swit

People's Choice Awards
  Favorite Television Comedy Program -- M*A*S*H
  Favorite Male Television Performer -- Alan Alda
  Favorite All Around Male Entertainer -- Alan Alda

Hollywood Foreign Press Association -- Golden Globe Awards
  Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical -- Alan Alda

Directors' Guild Awards
  Charles S. Dubin, "Period of Adjustment"

Writers' Guild Awards
  Teleplay by Thad Mumford and Dan Wilcox, "Are You Now, Margaret?"

American Cinema Editors -- Eddie Awards
  Stanford Tischler, A.C.E. and Larry L. Mills, "The Yalu Brick Road"


1981-1982
---------
Academy of Television Arts and Sciences -- Emmy Awards
  Best Lead Actor in a Comedy Series -- Alan Alda
  Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series -- Loretta Swit

People's Choice Awards
  Favorite Television Comedy Program -- M*A*S*H
  Favorite Male Television Performer -- Alan Alda

Hollywood Foreign Press Association -- Golden Globe Awards
  Best Television Series Comedy or Musical -- M*A*S*H  (1981)

Directors' Guild Awards
  Alan Alda, "The Life You Save"


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q02: Have any books or guides about M*A*S*H been published?

A02: The following is a list of helpful books and guides on the making of the
     show, quizes and trivia, inside information, etc.


Complete Book of M*A*S*H, The
     by Suzy Kalter
     Harry N. Abrams, Inc.
     ISBN 0-8109-1319-4

Golden Trivia Game:  M*A*S*H Edition
     Western Publishing Company

Just Farr Fun
     by Jamie Farr (with Robert Blair Kaiser)
     Eubanks/Donzetti; 1994
     IBSN 0-9640775-0-7
       This is Jamie Farr's ("Max Klinger") autobiography.  It devotes at
       least 130 pages to M*A*S*H itself, including lots of inside info,
       details on the making of the show, etc.

Last Days of M*A*S*H, The
     by Arlene Alda
     Unicorn Pub. House; Verona, N.J.; 1983
     Call #: UCLA Arts  PN 1992.77 M2854 A43 1983

M*A*S*H:  The Exclusive, Inside Story of T.V.'s Most Popular Show
     by David S. Reiss
     Bobbs-Merrill Co., Inc.; New York; 1980, 1983
     ISBN 0-672-52762-6

M*A*S*H:  The Official Quiz Manual
     by Paul Bertling 
     Plume; 1984
     ISBN: 0-452-25505-8

M*A*S*H Trivia:  The Unofficial Quiz Book
     by George St. John
     Bell Publishing Company
     ISBN 0-517-43618-3

M*A*S*H Trivia:  The Unofficial Quiz Book  [a different version?]
     by George St. John
     Warner Books; 1983
     ISBN 0-446-32000-5


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q03: Where were the M*A*S*H episodes filmed?

A03: The filming of the M*A*S*H episodes was broken up into two categories,
     INTERNAL and EXTERNAL shots:

	The filming of internal shots (inside buildings and selected close-up
     shots of outside areas such as the compound) was done on stage #9 of
     the 20th Century Fox Studios in Hollywood, California.

	The external shots were filmed at the Fox Ranch in the Santa Monica
     Mountains area of California, which was eventually donated by Fox to the
     state of CA and renamed to Malibu Creek State Park.  It's interesting to
     note that this donation took place while M*A*S*H was still filming and
     Fox Studios didn't have easy access to it, therefore the episodes in the
     later seasons contain very few external shots.

	Another note of interest is the fact that there was a major brush fire
     in the Santa Monica Mountains during the filming of the final episode,
     so they incorporated this fire into the storyline.

     NOTE:  Please refer to Q13 ("Significant addresses on/from from M*A*S*H")
     -----  for more exact information on the external filming location,
	    including directions on how to get there.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q04: What would a "M*A*S*H Family Tree" look like?

A04: Here is a somewhat incomplete list of M*A*S*H family members:
    
     Note:  - A question mark (such as "(sister?)") means that the relative
     -----    has been mentioned on the show, but I do not yet know his or
	      her name.
	    - A blank line means that no mention (as far as I know) has been
	      made of this type of relative... parents excluded, of course.


Henry Blake:
------------
   HOMETOWN:  Bloomington, Illinois.
    Parents:  Margaret (mother).
     Spouse:  Lorraine (wife).  Mildred (wife's name in early episodes).
   Siblings:  (brother?)
   Children:  Andrew (son).  Molly (daughter).  Janie (daughter).
     Others:  Floyd (cousin).

Frank Marion "Ferret Face" Burns:
---------------------------------
   HOMETOWN:  Fort Wayne, Indiana.
    Parents:
     Spouse:  Louise (wife).
   Siblings:  (brother?).
   Children:  (3 daughters?).
     Others:

Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan:
-----------------------------
   HOMETOWN:  Fort Ord, California (spent her early years there).
    Parents:  "Howitzer" Alvin F. Houlihan (father).
     Spouse:  Lieutenant Colonel Donald Penobscott (temp. husband).
   Siblings:  (sister?).
   Children:
     Others:

B.J. Hunnicut:
---------------
   HOMETOWN:  Mill Valley, California.
    Parents:  Bea Hunnicut (mother).  Jay Hunnicut (father).
     Spouse:  Peggy (wife).
   Siblings:
   Children:  Erin (daughter).
     Others:  Floyd Hayden (father-in-law).  Shirley (aunt).  Selma (aunt).

Maxwell Q. Klinger:
-------------------
   HOMETOWN:  Toledo, Ohio.
    Parents:  Amos or "Butch" (father, nickname).
     Spouse:  Laverne Esposito (temp. wife).  Soon-Lee (wife).
   Siblings:  Yvonne (sister).  Maurice (fake brother).  Hakim (fake brother).
   Children:
     Others:  Abdul (uncle).  Jake (uncle).  Bob (uncle).  Gus (uncle).
	      Zeke (uncle).  Zack (uncle).  Hassan the Enforcer (cousin).
	      Fatima (cousin).  #7199199 (uncle, probably a prison reference).
	      Ahmed (uncle).  Amir Abdullah (uncle).  Num Num (cousin).
	      Mustafah (uncle).  Harry (uncle).  Habib (uncle).

"Trapper John" Francis Xavier McIntyre:
---------------------------------------
   HOMETOWN:  Boston, Massachusetts.
    Parents:
     Spouse:  Louise (wife).
   Siblings:
   Children:  Becky (daughter).  Kathy (daughter).
     Others:

Father John Francis Patrick Mulcahy:
------------------------------------
   HOMETOWN:  Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
    Parents:
     Spouse:
   Siblings:  Katherine / Sister Maria Angelica (sister).
   Children:
     Others:

Walter Eugene "Radar" O'Reilly:
-------------------------------
   HOMETOWN:  Ottumwa, Iowa.
    Parents:  Edna (mother).
     Spouse:
   Siblings:  (brother?).  (sister?).
   Children:
     Others:  Ed (uncle).  Albert (uncle).  Howard (uncle).  David (uncle).
	      Bill (uncle).  Emily (aunt).  Jean (aunt).  Dorothy (aunt).
	      Ernie (cousin).  Millie (cousin).  Jimmy (cousin).
	      Ernest (uncle).  Charles (uncle).

Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce:
-----------------------------------
   HOMETOWN:  Crabapple Cove, Maine.
    Parents:  Daniel (father).
     Spouse:
   Siblings:  (sister?).
   Children:
     Others:  "Tombstone" Pierce (great-grandfather).  Eloise (aunt).
	      Sparky Pierce (grandfather).  Grandma Bates (grandmother).
	      Billy (cousin).  Martin (cousin).  Alexander (circa 1680).

	In episode #39 ("Officers Only") Hawkeye reveals his extended family:
	      "Corporal O'Reilly, who's been like a son to me.  Corporal
	       Klinger, who's been like a daughter.  Cousin Fred.  My
	       brother-in-law, Leroy.  My cousin Phil.  My second cousin
	       on my mother's side, Ed.  Bill, my mother's cousin's brother.
	       Sam, my cousin's brother's mother."

Sherman T. Potter:
------------------
   HOMETOWN:  Hannibal, Missouri.
    Parents:  Emma (mother).
     Spouse:  Mildred (wife).
   Siblings:
   Children:  Jeanine (daughter).  Bob Wilson (son-in-law).  Effe (daughter).
     Others:  Rose (sister-in-law).  Bertha (sister-in-law).  Ben (uncle).
	      Claude (uncle).  Cheryl (granddaughter).  Roy (grandfather).
	      Mavis (grandmother).  Corey (grandson).  Stuart (grandson).
	      Porscia (sister-in-law).  Grace (aunt).

Charles Emerson Winchester III:
-------------------------------
   HOMETOWN:  Boston, Massachusetts.
    Parents:
     Spouse:
   Siblings:  Honoria (sister).  Timmy (brother).
   Children:
     Others:  Felix (nephew).  Alfred (cousin).


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q05: Did any now-famous actors play small bit-parts on the M*A*S*H series?

A05: Here is a list of some of the many names.  If you do word-searches in
     the good ol' M*A*S*H Episode Guide for these names you'll be able to
     find the episodes that most of them were in.  A few of these people
     (e.g., Bruno Kirby, Richard Gere, etc.) had parts too small to garner
     a mention in the episodes' credits.

     - Robert Alda
     - Joan van Ark
     - Ned Beatty
     - Ed Begley, Jr.
     - Sorrell Booke
     - Andrew Dice Clay
     - Rosalind Chao
     - Barry Corbin
     - Blythe Danner
     - Brian Dennehy
     - Larry Fishburn
     - Ed Flanders
     - Teri Garr
     - Richard Gere
     - Charles Hallahan
     - Gregory Harrison
     - Mariette Hartley
     - Ron Howard
     - Alex Karras
     - Bruno Kirby
     - Mary Kay Place
     - Shelley Long
     - Mako
     - Richard Masur
     - Pat Morita
     - Leslie Nielsen
     - Soon-Teck Oh
     - John Ritter
     - Susan St. James
     - Marcia Strassman
     - Patrick Swayze
     - Jeffrey Tambor
     - Vic Tayback
     - George Wendt
     - Larry Wilcox


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q06: What were some of the "Potterisms" (creative slang terms) uttered by
     our beloved Colonel Potter?

A06: - "horse hockey!"
     - "mule fritters!"
     - "monkey muffins!"
     - "buffalo bagels!"
     - "buffalo chips!"
     - "pigeon pellets!"
     - "pony pucks!"
     - "beaver biscuits!"
     - "cow cookies!"
     - "bull cookies!"
     - "pig feathers!"
     - "road apples!"
     - "hot sausage!"
     - "hot mustard!"
     - "jumpin' jodphurs!"
     - "sufferin' saddlesoap!"
     - "sufferin' sheepdip!"
     - "shiverin' shinbones!"
     - "holy hemostat!"
     - "busload of bushwah!"
     - "sweet limburger..."
     - "sweet Nefertiti..."
     - "Geeze Louise!"
     - "Great Gatsby!"
     - "Great Caesar's Ghost..."
     - "Great Mother McCree..."
     - "What in Hanna's Hell..."
     - "Where in the name of Carrie's Corset..."
     - "What in the name of Sweet Fanny Adams..."
     - "What in the name of Marco 'BLESSED' Polo..."
     - "What in the name of Samuel Hill..."
     - "What in the name of Great Caesar's Salad..."
     - "What in the name of George Armstrong Custer..."


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q07: Which paintings did Colonel Potter make while at the 4077th?

A07: - Portrait shot of Father Francis Mulcahy, looking pious.
     - Portrait shot of Charles E. Winchester, mouth open, angry expression.
     - Full-body shot of Hawkeye Pierce, standing, leaning against his tower
	 of tongue-depressors.
     - Full-body shot of Hawkeye Pierce, sitting back in chair, with feet
	 propped up on desk and drink in hand.
     - Group shot of the gang (Klinger, Margaret and Mulcahy in front;
	 BJ, Hawkeye and Charles in back) for Mrs. Potter's birthday present.
     - Full-body shot of Klinger, posing in "Greek Athlete", in classical
	 discus-throwing stance.
     - Full-body shot of Colonel Potter on his horse, Sophie (although Klinger
	 sat in for the painting, and Potter added his own face later).
     - Close-up shot of Colonel Potter's thumb.
     - Full-body shot of Radar outside, with mailbag slung over his shoulder.
     - Portrait(?) of Theodore Roosevelt.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q08: What were the NAMES of the many films that were shown (or at least
     talked about being shown) in the camp, and WHERE were they shown?

A08: This list is interesting not only for the movie titles themselves,
     but also to help picture the scenes and quotes that accompanied them:

     - My Darling Clementine                          (shown in the mess tent)
     - Casablanca                                     (mess tent)
     - Sahara                                         (mess tent)
     - The Moon is Blue                               (mess tent)
     - State Fair                                     (mess tent)
     - Bride of the Gorilla                           (mess tent)
     - Bonzo Goes to College                          (mess tent)
     - Bedtime for Bonzo                              (mess tent)
     - Bonzo Runs for President                       (mess tent)
     - First-born of Godzilla                         (mess tent)
     - The Thing that Ate the Bronx                   (mess tent)
     - The Little Colonel  (w/ Shirley Temple)        (mess tent)
     - Yankee Doodle Doctor                           (mess tent)
     - Godzilla and the Bobbysoxer                    (mess tent)
     - Ma and Pa Kettle Have a Baby                   (mess tent)
     - One Ticket to Broadway                         (mess tent)
     - Custer's Last Stand                            (mess tent)
     - Les Miserables                                 (mess tent)
     - Sun Valley Serenade  (w/ Sonja Henie)          (mess tent)     
     - 12 Ways to Infiltrate a Nazi Bunker            (mess tent)
     - Hansel and Regrettal  (medical film)           (mess tent)
     - Trenchfoot Through the Ages  (medical film)    (mess tent)
     - The Bleeding Gum Story  (medical film)         (mess tent)
     - The History of Athlete's Foot  (medical film)  (mess tent)
     - Clean as a Whistle  (medical film)             (mess tent)
     - Buy You a Drink, Sailor?  (medical film)       (mess tent)
     - Of Ice and Lice  (Sonja Henne hygiene film)    (mess tent)
     - The Field Pack: Your Canvas Buddy              (mess tent)
     - (generic black&white war picture)              (mess tent)
     - The Imperialist Running Dog and the Showgirl   (mess tent)
     - Yvonne, Renee & Loretta in "What the Parrot Saw"  (generator shed)
     - Renee, Loretta & the Parrot in "What Yvonne Saw"  (generator shed)
     - Leave Her to Heaven  (w/ Gene Tierney)         (the Swamp)
     - (stag film, title unknown)                     (Henry's office)
     - Frank's wedding film                           (Henry's office)
     - Henry's home movie                             (Henry's office)
     - Radar's home movie                             (Potter's office)
     - BJ's home movie                                (Potter's office)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q09: What is the exact wording of some of the most famous M*A*S*H quotations?

A09: Since the M*A*S*H series was blessed with excellent writers, many
     memorable quotations were spoken by its characters.  Every now and then
     someone will post a question to alt.tv.mash requesting the exact wording
     of a certain quotation, so I thought I should include several of them in
     this document.  As far as I know these are very close to (if not the same
     as) the originals... but if you believe otherwise, let me know!


"I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish!  I've eaten so much
 fish, I'm ready to grow gills!  I've eaten so much liver, I can only make
 love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions!"
						  - Hawkeye Pierce,
						    "Adam's Rib"

"I will not carry a gun, Frank.  When I got thrown into this war I had a
 clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns.  I'll carry your books,
 I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry
 forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll
 even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!"

						  - Hawkeye Pierce, 
						    "Officer of the Day"

"... but know this:  You can cut me off from the civilized world.  You can
 incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates.  You can torture me with your
 thrice-daily swill.  But you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester.  My
 voice shall be heard from this wilderness, and I shall be delivered from
 this fetid and festering sewer."
						  - Charles E. Winchester III,
						    "Fade Out, Fade In"

"I am the essence of overconfidence!  I am speculation, adventure; the spirit
 of pursuit; the stag howling for its winsome yet anonymous mate.  I am the
 love call of evolution; the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer
 their pollen to the gentle buzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. 
 I am life. I am appetite!"
						  - Hawkeye Pierce,
						    "Inga"

"Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice,
 pull down your pants and slide on the ice."
						  - Sidney Freedman,
						    "O.R."


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q10: What are the lyrics to the M*A*S*H theme song, "Suicide is Painless"?

A10: Here are what I assume to be the exact lyrics.  Please note that the
     1st, 3rd and 6th verses were sung during the opening credits of the
     movie, while the 4th verse was added during the suicide scene.  The
     2nd and 5th verses are included in the sheet music but not the movie.

     Copyright: 1969
	 Music: Johnny Mandel
	Lyrics: Mark Altman

Lyrics to the M*A*S*H theme song, "Suicide is Painless":
--------------------------------------------------------

Through early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see...

     [REFRAIN]:

     that suicide is painless
     It brings on many changes
     and I can take or leave it if I please.

I try to find a way to make
all our little joys relate
without that ever-present hate
but now I know that it's too late, and...

     [REFRAIN]

The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
so this is all I have to say.

     [REFRAIN]

The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I'm beat
and to another give my seat
for that's the only painless feat.

     [REFRAIN]

The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger...watch it grin, but...

     [REFRAIN]

A brave man once requested me
to answer questions that are key
is it to be or not to be
and I replied 'oh why ask me?'

     [REFRAIN]

     'Cause suicide is painless
     it brings on many changes
     and I can take or leave it if I please.

     ...and you can do the same thing if you choose.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   
Q11: What are the lyrics to the Army song in the episode "Movie Tonight"?

A11: In episode #117 from the 5th season, entitled "Movie Tonight", the MASH
     gang broke into a traditional Army song in order to increase morale when 
     the movie projector kept breaking down.  Here are the lyrics:


Father Mulcahy:                        Hawkeye & B.J.:
---------------                        ---------------
A chaplain in the Army                 Oh the surgeons in the Army
has a collar on his neck,              they say we're mighty bright,
if you don't listen to him             we work on soldiers through the day
you'll all wind up in heck.            and nurses through the night.

[Chorus, sung by all:                  [Chorus]
Oh I don't want no more of Army life,
Gee Ma, I wanna go home!]


Colonel Potter:                        the Nurses:
---------------                        -----------
Friendships in the Army                The surgeons in the Army
they say are mighty rare,              they're bright, they are profound,
so I spend all my free time            but we'll take chopper pilots
carousing with my mare.                they'll get you off the ground.

[Chorus]                               [Chorus]


Radar O'Reilly:                        Corporal Klinger:
---------------                        -----------------
The corporals in the Army              Oh some guys like the Army
you say we're really green,            I think that it's a mess,
but if it weren't for us guys          if it's so damn terrific
you'd be in the latrine.               how come I wear a dress?

[Chorus]                               [Chorus]


Margaret Houlihan:                     Frank Burns:
------------------                     ------------
Oh some nurses in the Army             Oh Hawkeye and oh B.J.
they haven't tied the knot,            they think they're pretty smart,
but this one's gonna try it            I'd like to take a scalpel
with Donald Penobscott.                and stab them in the heart.

[Ending chorus:
Oh I don't want no more of Army life,
Gee Ma, I wanna go,
But they won't let me go,
Gee Ma, I wanna go home!]


------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   
Q12: What are some of the crazy Section-8 stunts that Klinger has pulled?

A12: Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger, arguably the most entertaining regular
     character on M*A*S*H, was determined to get out of the Army via a
     Section-8 "Psycho Discharge".  The stunts that he pulled in order to
     convince everyone that he was crazy included the following:


     - Wearing women's clothing (a given).
     - Eating a jeep, part by part.
     - Soaring away on a hang-glider, looking like "a big red bird with fuzzy 
	 pink feet".
     - Loving the army, and then flipping back to being Queen of the Nile.
     - Carrying Radar's Teddy Bear.
     - Dressing as a nun.
     - Escaping in an inflatable rubber raft.
     - Various combinations of family members pregnant/dying appeal letters.
     - Riding Sophie through the camp (a la Lady Godiva) after he thought he 
	 had reenlisted.
     - Trying to fatten up in order to exceed the Army's weight limit.
     - Threatening to torch himself.  ("Who put gasoline in my gasoline?!")
     - Doing guard duty naked while a General was on site.
     - During a heat wave he dressed in a rubber reducing suit and fur coat.
     - Pole sitting in freezing weather.
     - Dressing up as an old Korean peasant woman.
     - Running outside PostOp in his underwear, trying to get pneumonia.
     - Trying to convince the doctors that he had some mysterious malady.
     - Trying to get into West Point.
     - Trying to join the Navy.
     - Becoming "Zoltan, king of the gypsies".
     - Fainting spells.
     - Hearing loss.  When his hearing came back, the first thing he heard was 
	 that it would have been his ticket home.
     - Pretending he was back in Toledo as a civilian.
     - Bravery (volunteering for dangerous mission in "Rainbow Bridge").
     - Passing himself off as being pregnant.
     - Taking care of an imaginary camel.
     - Hardship discharge because of his many "children" (he got the pictures 
	 from Potter and others).
     - Sending love letters to Generals, usually accompanied by a revealing 
	 photo of himself.
     - Dressing up as Moses.
     - Practicing voodoo on Potter with a voodoo doll and dead chicken.
     - Confessing to be a serial killer who strangled female motorcycle cops.
     - Attempting to bribe Potter into giving him a Section-8.
     - Attempting to forge his own discharge papers.
     - Displaying himself as the Statue of Liberty for General MacArthur.
     - Disguising himself as a bush.
     - Stowing away in a mail bag.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q13: What are some significant addresses on (or from) M*A*S*H?

A13: These addresses might prove interesting to the MASH fan who wants to do
     a "MASH Tour of the World".  :-)


Adam's Ribs:  Located beside the Dearborn Street Station in Chicago, Illinois.
------------
     
     Phone number (on the show) of the Dearborn Street Station was
     Dearborn 5-7500 and Adam's Ribs was Dearborn 5-2750.

     Shyam K. Sriram claims that Adam's Ribs exists and gave me this address:
     1514 North Broadway, Joliet, Illinois, USA, 60521
     He also says that there really is a Dearborn Street Station, and that
     Dearborn St. and North Broadway intersect, so Adam's Ribs is indeed
     located "near the Dearborn Street station".
     (Phone number to follow soon, hopefully.)


Tony Packo's Hungarian Hot Dogs:  1902 Front St., Toledo, Ohio, USA, 43605.
--------------------------------

     Bryce A. Glass <balang@bgnet.bgsu.edu> visited this establishment and 
     posted the following write-up to the alt.tv.mash newsgroup:

     Subject: Tony Packo's
     Date: Mon Jul 24 15:02:38 EDT 1995

     Over the weekend, I visited Tony Packo's Cafe in Toledo (Klinger's old
     haunt) and I thought I would post a little about the place and encourage
     anyone within a day's drive to visit there.

     I'd been there before, about five years ago, but this time I really took
     in the surroundings and noticed some of the MASH memorabilia.  They're
     very proud of the exposure that MASH brought them and they display framed
     art of the show, and other MASH momentoes to this day.  Their menu boasts
     that Tony Packo's was mentioned in "seven episodes of MASH."  Can this be
     right?  It almost seems like a dozen or more to me.  

     A Packo's tradition is the signed hot-dog buns that line the walls of the
     cafe.  Such notables as Bob Hope, Bill Clinton, Burt Reynolds and
     countless others have signed these buns (originally, they used real ones,
     but some years ago they switched to plastic.)  And, of course, the entire
     cast of MASH is represented on these hallowed walls.
     In addition, I spotted a prop from an episode that featured Packo's very
     prominently.  Remember the episode where Col. Potter had Kinger get on 
     the horn to Packo's for some sausage casings to use in some jury-rigged
     medical apparatus that BJ had designed?  (I can't remember the actual use
     for this apparatus right now.)  (Note - an alert reader said that it was
     probably a kidney dialysis machine.)  Yep, Packo's has the very box that
     was "sent" to Korea in that episode, signed by the cast at the time. 
     (Hawkeye's inscription?  "Yumm --Alan Alda."  Father Mulcahy just wrote
     "God bless.")  

     Spotting this box, with an authentic-looking "50's-era" Packo's sticker
     was a real charge for this old MASH fan.  The box was addressed to Cpl.
     Maxwell Klinger, MASH 4077, Korea and even had a postal stamp from an 
     army air-freight station in San Francisco!

     Besides the MASH paraphernalia, the atmoshosphere at Packo's is
     first-rate.  On Friday's and Saturday's live music is featured with
     Packo's own Cake-Walking Jass Band, a fantastic group of musicians that
     have been playing old ragtime "jass" together for years.  It's really 
     rare to hear this kind of music (in this part of the States) played by a 
     band that's been doing it together for so long.

     If you go, be sure to get a Packo's Hot Dog (actually a kind of Hungarian
     Sausage), and don't think you'll get away from there without heartburn. 
     :-)  It seems as if 95% of the menu is chili-based.  But its well worth
     the later discomfort, believe me.  Packo's is truly an original spot, and
     it's one of the few reasons left to come to Toledo.  ;-)  I can see why
     Klinger (and Jamie Farr) was so hung up on the place.

     If you can get there, I'd definitely go.  And any international MASH fans
     that are coming to the States should try to make Toledo a stop on your
     intinerary, if only to spend an evening at Tony Packo's.  It'll bring 
     some of your fondest MASH memories back to life.


Tony Packo's Cafe West:  5827 Monroe Street, Sylvania, Ohio, USA, 43560
-----------------------

     This is a second Tony Packo's restaurant, which was opened quite a while
     after M*A*S*H had put the original Packo's on the map.  It is located in
     Sylvania, which is a suburb of Toledo.


Outdoor filming location for M*A*S*H:
-------------------------------------

	The site of the MASH outdoor set is in Malibu Creek State Park, which
     is in Calabasas, north of Los Angeles.  Take the Ventura Freeway north
     (actually west, but that sounds silly) to Las Virgenes Road/Malibu Canyon
     Road.  This is about 15 miles from the intersection of the Ventura Fwy
     with the San Diego Fwy.  Exit and turn left.  Go about 6 miles past the
     stoplight at Mullholland Highway.  About a quarter of a mile on the right
     is the entrance to the park.  It costs a buck to park your car, and the
     ranger will give you directions to the place where the set was.  They
     also have a nature center where they've kept a few MASH items that didn't
     burn up in the brushfire that shut down shooting of the final episode.
     At the site, all you should expect to find is a burned out ambulance and
     jeep, a post marking the location, and a lot of great memories.  If you
     know the show, you can find the chopper pad, then figure out where things
     were from there.
	
	Bring your walking shoes, because it's about a 2 or 3 mile hike in
     from the parking lot.  If you're going in the summer, carry some water
     with you.  Temperatures will be around 95-100 degrees.

	You can also get there by taking Pacific Coast Highway to Malibu
     Canyon Road (which is where Pepperdine University is located).  Turn
     inland and go about 5 miles. The entrance will be on your left. If you
     come to the stoplight at Mulholland, you went too far.

	Remember that summer is fire season, and if it gets very dry, the
     rangers may close the park to visitors.  You can check with the rangers
     by phone at (818)880-0367.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q14: What are the rumours about various cast members leaving the show?

A14: Throughout the 11-year run of M*A*S*H, some regular cast members left
     for various reasons.  Here are some of the rumours:


Timothy Brown: (Captain "Spearchucker" Jones)
--------------
	The writers got rid of his character after only the fifth episode of
     the series, since they discovered that there had been no black surgeons
     in the Korean War.

Gary Burghoff: (Walter "Radar" O'Reilly)
--------------
	In an interview a few years ago, Gary said that he left the show early
     because he wanted to pursue other avenues (such as Broadway theatre), and
     that he hadn't been able to develop the character of Radar O'Reilly as
     much as he would have liked.  However, it doesn't look like there was any
     tension or animosity between him and the staff because Radar was given a
     big send-off in an emotion-filled two part episode in the 8th season.

Larry Linville: (Major Frank Burns)
---------------
	It's rumoured that Larry left M*A*S*H at the end of the fifth season
     because he didn't want to get eternally typecast as a shallow, whining,
     by-the-book bad guy.  Judging by his track record (refer to the "Other
     Credits" List) I think he waited a bit too long, since almost all of his
     later TV/movie appearances have him portraying this type of character!

Wayne Rogers: (Trapper John McIntyre)
-------------
	Wayne was unhappy with his role, always playing 'second fiddle' to
     Alda's character Hawkeye Pierce, so at the end of the third season he
     just quit.  That's why we never saw McIntyre having a huge send-off like
     Colonel Blake had, since Wayne wasn't available anymore.

Maclean Stevenson: (Colonel Henry Blake)
------------------
	Not realizing how popular and long-lasting M*A*S*H would be, Maclean
     left at the end of the third season in order to pursue other TV projects.
     It's rumoured that he was offered a lot more money than he was receiving
     on M*A*S*H in order to do his own talk show, entitled "The Maclean
     Stevenson Show", but this show was very short-lived.  Since the writers
     had killed his character off (partly out of malice for his leaving?),
     there was no way he could return to M*A*S*H.


NOTE:
-----   Every now and then, a nasty rumour surfaces on alt.tv.mash regarding
     disputes between crew/cast members, bad attitudes, unprofessional
     conduct, etc.  These seem to be nothing more than rumours though, as
     very reliable sources can attest to the wonderful relationship that the
     people of M*A*S*H had with each other.
	The most recent rumour was a claim that Gary Burghoff ("Radar
     O'Reilly") was the hardest person to work with in Hollywood.  Larry
     Gelbart (writer, director and producer of many M*A*S*H episodes, and an
     active participant in the alt.tv.mash newsgroup) quickly squelched the
     rumour by stating the following:

	     "I'm not sure that even those who appreciate the work he did as 
	  Radar (starting with the motion picture) understand what a truly 
	  fine actor he is.  Watch him in any episode and see the way he 
	  listens to his fellow actors (and not everyone does or did this) - 
	  see how he finds a way of helping whoever he's ever doing a scene 
	  with - how inventive he is with little bits of business, and never 
	  distracting from anyone else.  After all this time, I am still in 
	  awe of the fabulous gifts he put at the service of the series."

	Mike Farrell ("BJ Hunnicut") also felt that the rumour had no merit,
     and he relayed a message to alt.tv.mash to discredit it.  Here is an
     excerpt from his message:

	     "For any group of people to work that closely together in the
	  high stress situation that is a television series for that many
	  years presupposes that there will be disagreements - sometimes big
	  ones.  As Gary has admitted, there were times he behaved in a manner
	  that doesn't make him glow with pride in retrospect.  I wonder how
	  many of us could make the same statement.
	     There is no "good source" for such a rumor because there is no
	  validity to it.
	     I had the privilege of working with the cast and company for
	  eight years and can attest to the fact that it was very much a
	  family.  As is the case in the best of families, there were some who
	  were more outgoing, some who were better at one thing than another,
	  some who behaved inappropriately at times, but when things got "out
	  of line" or when tensions, for any reason, got to a level that
	  needed to be dealt with, they were dealt with openly, respectfully
	  and appropriately."


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q15: Which tents/structures/areas make up the 4077th camp?

A15: This is important because it gives us insight about how the members of
     the 4077th lived, worked, played and structured their activities.  Some
     places listed below were actually shown on the show, while others were
     only referred to or hinted at.


     - The Swamp                            (shown)
     - Colonel Potter's tent                (shown)
     - Margaret Houlihan's tent             (shown)
     - Father Mulcahey's tent               (shown)
     - Klinger's tent                       (shown)
     - The nurses' tent(s)                  (shown)
     - The enlisted men's tent(s)           (shown)
     - The V.I.P. tent                      (shown)
     - The Mess Tent                        (shown)
     - The kitchen                          (permanent structure, shown)
     - Pre-Op                               (permanent structure, shown)
     - Operating Room                       (permanent structure, shown)
     - Post-Op Room                         (permanent structure, shown)
     - Commanding Officer's office          (permanent structure, shown)
     - Company Clerk's office               (permanent structure, shown)
     - Officer's Club                       (permanent structure, shown)
     - Officer's latrine                    (shown)
     - Enlisted men's latrine               (never shown)
     - Supply storage shed                  (permanent structure, shown)
     - Generator shed                       (permanent structure, shown)
     - Motor pool                           (shown)
     - Cesspool                             (never shown)
     - Chopper pad                          (shown)
     - Minefield                            (shown)
     - Basketball hoop and court            (shown)
     - Sophie's stable                      (shown)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MISC Q&A's:  This section contains miscellaneous questions and answers that
-----------  don't fit into any of the other sections and aren't big enough
	     to warrant their own.


Q: From where is B.J. Hunnicut's first name derived?
A: From his mother, "Bea", and his father, "Jay".

Q: Why did Colonel Blake sometimes say "Abyssinia" instead of goodbye?
A: "Abyssinia" was a popular slang term for "I'll be seeing ya'".

Q: The emotions in the O.R. scene of "Abyssinia, Henry" right after Henry's
     death looked so real!  Why was that?
A: The writers had kept Henry's death a secret from all of the cast members,
     so they had no way of knowing what was to come.  Gary Burghoff (Radar)
     was given the revised script a couple minutes before he had to say those
     heart-wrenching lines, and he did a great job of it.  Unfortunately one
     of the extras screwed up the scene and it had to be retaken, so what we
     see on TV is actually the second take!  But the shock from the news was
     so great that the emotions still seemed very genuine.

Q: Are the rumours true about Radar O'Reilly having a deformed hand?
A: Yes, a couple of the fingers on Gary Burghoff's left hand are smaller than
     normal.  This is well hidden from the audience though, as just about
     every scene has Radar conveniently covering up his left hand or holding
     something with it.

Q: Who owns the faceless voice that does all the P.A. announcements?  It
     usually isn't Radar or Klinger.
A: The voice is that of Sal Viscuso, who you may remember from the 70's
     sitcom, "Soap".  Sal was shown in one or two MASH episodes (check the
     ever-so-handy Episode Guide), though he wasn't playing his P.A. announcer
     character.

Q: Does Radar O'Reilly's teddy bear have a name?
A: As far as I know, Radar's teddy bear hasn't been referred to as anything
     other than "bear", "teddy bear", etc.


==============================================================================

APPENDIX01: List of contributors to the FAQ.
-----------

     - Mark Rosteck <ematias@cs.toronto.edu> -- FAQ Creator and Maintainer.
     - Doug Krause <dijon@lido.com> -- Archiver and Poster of MASH goodies.
     
     - Rachel Allgood <feline@euro.win.net>
     - Scott Barvian <barvian@phxtc.sps.mot.com>
     - Jane Bomberger <jane.bomb@forsythe.stanford.edu>
     - Monica Cellio <mjc@cs.cmu.edu>
     - Evelyn Chianelli <elc4@psu.edu>
     - Matt Crowder <mcrowder@merle.acns.nwu.edu>
     - Nicholas Curcio <curcion@db.erau.edu>
     - John C. Dean <rmus79a@prodigy.com>
     - Ray Depew <rrd@fc.hp.com>
     - Sven Dickert <un0u@rz.uni-karlsruhe.de>
     - Marcia Djudzman & Jim Bala III <msnail@leland.stanford.edu>
     - Mitchell K. Dwyer <mdwyer@uhunix.uhcc.hawaii.edu>
     - Sara J. Dymek <sjd121@psu.edu>
     - Samuel H. Edwards <edwards@mdso.vf.ge.com>
     - Bill Eicher <bille@right.net>
     - Mike Farrell
     - Brad Filippone <al019@ccn.cs.dal.ca>
     - Graham Gales <Graham.Gales@lecity.apana.org.au>
     - Ross Garmil <limrag@acs.bu.edu>
     - Larry Gelbart <73617.66@CompuServe.COM>
     - Eric Gemunder <gfdeg%cuvmc.bitnet@columbia.edu>
     - Bryce A. Glass <balang@bgnet.bgsu.edu>
     - Elizabeth Henson <ehenson@cc.umanitoba.ca>
     - Edwin Heusinkveld <e.heusinkveld@a1.nl>
     - Katherine Houdek <hkr17081@vax1.utulsa.edu>
     - Matthew C. Jaeky <mjaeky@shrike.depaul.edu>
     - Vic Kamhiv <kamhiv@pt.cyanamid.com>
     - Edward J. Krall <krall@mcc.com>
     - Matthew David Moore <mmoore@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu>
     - MrQuixote <mrquixote@aol.com>
     - Sascha Muertz <uzs637@ibm.rhrz.uni-bonn.de>
     - Robert E. Nelson <rnelson@nmt.edu>
     - Russ Newman <rnewman@ccit.arizona.edu>
     - Erika Ofey <zye@wam.umd.edu>
     - Bill Paul <bruinbill@aol.com>
     - Josh Rosenberg <jrosenbe@nmsu.edu>
     - Cynthia Ross <swuk81a@prodigy.com>
     - Dave Schaumann <dave@cs.arizona.edu>
     - Duane & Millie Schwab <dlschwab@ins.infonet.net>
     - Shankar Sivanandan <ssivanan@steinbeck.helios.nd.edu>
     - Shyam K. Sriram <MDSAAA17@giasmd01.vsnl.net.in>
     - Jochen Stein <steinj@clio.rz.uni-duesseldorf.de>
     - Carole Lee Sussman <cls39@columbia.edu>
     - Lindsey Troy <dtorres@nmt.edu>
     - Jeff Vorwerk <gffu11c@prodigy.com>
     - Jodi Weber <jodiweber@attmail.com>
     - Steve Yuletide <ssakasitz@yorkcol.edu>
     - Eric A. Zomer <zanac@xs4all.nl>

     - ALL OF THE EXTREMELY HELPFUL AND GENEROUS READERS OF ALT.TV.MASH!


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

APPENDIX02: Where to get the FAQ and other M*A*S*H goodies.
-----------

If this document is out of date, the latest version can be obtained from
one of these sources:

     ftp://rtfm.mit.edu/pub/usenet/news.answers/tv/mash/
     ftp://ftp.uu.net/usenet/news.answers/tv/mash/faq.Z
     http://www.cis.ohio-state.edu/hypertext/faq/usenet/tv/mash/faq/faq.html


Furthermore, this FAQ is posted to alt.tv.mash on the 20th of each month.
				   -----------        ----

You can also visit Doug Krause's WWW Television Server at:
		   -----------------------------------
     http://www.lido.com/tv/


And here are some other M*A*S*H-related spots to check out:
-----------------------------------------------------------

     "The 4077 Home Page"
     --------------------
     http://194.72.60.96/www/andyl/notes.html

     "M*A*S*H Home-page"  (in German)
     -------------------
     http://cips02.physik.uni-bonn.de/~muertz/mashmain.html


==============================================================================

-- 
       Doug Krause  dijon@lido.com  http://www.lido.com/
"The circle is now complete.  The Circle of Life!" -Mufasa Vader

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