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alt.tv.mad-about-you Episode Guide for Season #3


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Archive-name: tv/mad-about-you/season3
Posting-frequency: quarterly
Last-modified: 97-01-05
Version: 5.1
URL: http://www.alumni.caltech.edu/~witelski/may-eg3.html
Copyright: (c) 1994-1997 by Ramaswamy [ramax@ultranet.com]

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Episode Guide for Season #3 of "Mad About You"
for the Usenet newsgroup alt.tv.mad-about-you

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Archive-name: tv/mad-about-you/season3
Posting-frequency: quarterly
Last-modified: 97-01-05
Version: 5.1

----------------------------------------------------------------

This Episode Guide for the TV Comedy show "Mad About You" is,
as a collection of information,
Copyright (c) 1994-1997 by Ramaswamy [ramax@ultranet.com].
All Rights Reserved.

This document may be freely distributed in electronic form for
personal use only, provided it is distributed in its entirety
and with all original author and copyright information intact.
Distribution by any other means must be by permission of the
copyright holder. This material is for non-commercial use only
and any sale for profit is expressly forbidden. It may not be
included in any commercial documents, archives or CD-ROMs, nor
uploaded to any BBS or online service without the permission
of the copyright holder. The removal of this copyright notice
is prohibited.

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The MAY Episode Guides:

Episode Guide for Season #1
Episode Guide for Season #2
Episode Guide for Season #3
Episode Guide for Season #4
Episode Guide for Season #5

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     The  Third  Season

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Table of Contents

  Cast of Characters
  Supporting Characters
  The Production Team

  3.1  (301)   94-09-22   Escape from New York [Season Opener]
  3.2  (302)   94-09-29   Home
  3.3  (303)   94-10-06   Till Death Do Us Part
  3.4  (304)   94-10-13   When I'm Sixty-Four
  3.5  (305)   94-10-20   Legacy
  3.6  (306)   94-11-03   Pandora's Box
  3.7  (307)   94-11-10   The Ride Home
  3.8  (308)   94-11-17   Giblets For Murray
  3.9  (309)   94-12-08   Once More, With Feeling
  3.10 (310)   94-12-15   The City
  3.11 (311)   95-01-05   Our Fifteen Minutes
  3.12 (313)   95-01-19   How To Fall In Love
  3.13 (314/5) 95-02-02   Mad About You
  3.14 (312)   95-02-09   Just My Dog
  3.15 (316)   95-02-16   The Alan Brady Show
  3.16 (317)   95-02-23   Mad Without You
  3.17 (318)   95-03-09   Purseona
  3.18 (319)   95-03-30   Two Tickets To Paradise
  3.19 (323)   95-04-27   Money Changes Everything
  3.20 (321)   95-05-04   Cake Fear
  3.21 (320)   95-05-11   My Boyfriend's Back!
  3.22 (322/4) 95-05-18   Up In Smoke [Season Finale]
  3.23 (325)   95-10-08   The Test [A Montage]

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Telecasts in Syndication:

     As of September 1996, episodes from this season are being
     aired in syndication in North America, with approximately
     1 minute of content snipped from the original telecasts
     in 1994-95. Check your local TV listings for the station,
     days and times of telecast.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Cast of Characters

  Paul Buchman . . . . . . . . . . . .  Paul Reiser
  Jamie Buchman  . . . . . . . . . . .  Helen Hunt
  Lisa Stemple . . . . . . . . . . . .  Anne Ramsay
  Fran Devanow . . . . . . . . . . . .  Leila Kenzle
  Ira Buchman  . . . . . . . . . . . .  John Pankow
  Murray . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Maui

Supporting Characters

  Mark Devanow . . . . . . . . . . . .  Richard Kind
  Burt Buchman, Paul's father  . . . .  Louis Zorich
  Sylvia Buchman, Paul's mother  . . .  Cynthia Harris
  Debbie, Paul's sister  . . . . . . .  Robin Bartlett
  Gus Stemple, Jamie's father  . . . .  John Karlen
  Theresa Stemple, Jamie's mother  . .  Penny Fuller
  Aunt Lolly, Jamie's aunt . . . . . .  Meg Wyllie

  Maggie Conway, neighbour in 11-C . .  Judy Geeson
  Hal Conway, Maggie's husband . . . .  Jim Piddock
  Ursula, waitress at Riff's . . . . .  Lisa Kudrow
  Bill Wicker, the super . . . . . . .  Jerry Adler
  Kim, the grocer  . . . . . . . . . .  Ping Wu
  Remy, Paul's assistant . . . . . . .  Marva Hicks
  Sid Novak, Paul's editor . . . . . .  George O. Petrie
  Alan Tofsky, Jamie's ex-boyfriend  .  Eric Stoltz
  Susannah Gould, Jamie's class-mate .  Anne Bobby

----------------------------------------------------------------

3.1       Escape from New York [Season Opener]

  The last weekend of a hot New York summer finds the
  Buchmans borrowing Fran's car to drive down to the
  Jersey shore for a taste of fried clams, trying to
  remember the name of a favorite restaurant.

  Written by:  Danny Jacobson and Jeffrey Lane
  Directed by: David Steinberg
  Tease:       Paul reading over Jamie's shoulder.
  Tag:         Eating Jamie's clams, not Paul's calamari.
  Expression:  "Clamenza!"
  Keys:  "Mr. Science" all summer, the best possible use of the
         fridge, Fran's job, Sylvia's radar, Ira's thing in the
         mail, Lisa's mailman, name that restaurant (Boyd's?),
         Murray being towed, Paul getting locked in.

  - Sylvia: "So, when do you start school?"
    Jamie:  "Oh, 10 days... probably going to study
            corporate finance."
    Sylvia: "You know what name I like? Barbara, if it's a girl."
    Jamie:  "If what's a girl?"
    Paul:   "Leave her alone, Ma!"
  - Jamie:  "Honey, don't worry, the locksmith will be here any
            minute. [to Ursula] He's been suffocating...
            you don't have a hanger or something?"
    Ursula: [rushing off] "We have a coat rack!"

  Supporting Cast: Sylvia and Ursula.


3.2       Home

  The War of the Buchmans and the Conways continues as rumors
  fly about the apartment building going co-op. Meanwhile
  Murray and Sophie find true love and then some more.

  Written by:  Jack Burditt
  Directed by: David Steinberg
  Tease:       Hmming and watching TV from the couch.
  Tag:         Sylvia cooing over her grandpuppy.
  Word:        Whom.
  Keys:  The complaint, the juicer and the hair-dryer, hot showers
         and toilet flushes, the sconeheads or guv'nors, the slanty
         floor revisited, home or a sunny, roomy, air-conditioned
         apartment, Fran's new hair, the deliciously depressing
         "Choclat Noye Bechenye."
         Appearance of the second actor to play Hal Conway.

  - Jamie: "Who says they're going co-op?"
    Paul:  "I heard, I heard it around the building."
    Jamie: "From whom? We never talk to anyone."
    Paul:  "What's it with you and this 'whom' thing?"
    Jamie: "You talk your way, I'll talk right!"

  Supporting Cast: Sylvia, Maggie and Mr. Wicker.
  Guest Character:
  Hal Conway  . . . . . . . . . . . .  Jim Piddock


3.3        Till Death Do Us Part

  Paul's idea for the final resting place for the ashes of
  Jamie's uncle Van takes the Buchmans to Belmont, where
  Lisa pays admission for her uncle, Ira has a relapse and
  Jamie backs a long shot named About-To-Be-Glue to win big.

  Written by:  Danny Jacobson
  Directed by: David Steinberg
  Tease:       What's thunder?
  Tag:         Ira and Maurice comparing levels of stupidity,
                 and Uncle Van resting in peace.
  Keys:  Attack on the killer pantyhose, Thanksgiving turkey
         story, Salisbury steak vs. hamburger, the eulogy, Lisa
         in plaid, Ira at GA, Uncle Van in an urn, sitting with
         Maurice,the sixth horse at 50-1.

  - Jamie: "You know Uncle Van was crazy about you from the
           moment he met you."
    Paul:  "Of course Uncle Van was crazy about me; he needed
           a partner in crime. Y'know, without me, he'd never
           have got those golf balls into your mother's turkey!
           That was like a classic Van moment..."
    Jamie: "I wish you'd tell that story."
    Paul:  "All right, it was Thanksgiving and we were all
           sitting around the table..."
    Jamie: "Not here, at the service."
  - Patron #1: "Did you hear about Salisbury Steak?"
    Patron #2: "I heard! Where'd you hear it? From Tommy?"
    Patron #1: "Nah! Tommy's out! There's a new guy!"

  Guest Characters:
  Maurice . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Ernie Sabella
  Mike, at Gamblers Anonymous . . . .  Dana Lee
  Tommy's friend  . . . . . . . . . .  Mario Ruccuzzo
  Racetrack patrons . . . . . . . . .  Al Berry, Bill P. Murry,
                                       Danny Mora, Bill Saluga
  As himself  . . . . . . . . . . . .  The Voice


3.4        When I'm Sixty-Four

  The Wickers have a big fight and Mr. Wicker moves in with the
  Buchmans. Meanwhile Jamie finally succumbs to an eye exam, but
  can't decide between glasses and contact lenses.

  Written by:  Victor Levin
  Directed by: David Steinberg
  Tag:         Paul reading made-up Dickens to Murray.
  Word:        Fishbroker (fishmonger!)
  Expression:  "Ech! Ech! Ech!"
  Keys:  The 39" armoire, magical fire-escape, $20 vertical
         tip (in a sock), celery story, taping the wrong show,
         contacts vs. glasses on a trapezoidal face, the wink,
         cocoa with nutmeg in bed.

  - Jamie: "Hey! Is it in?"
    Paul:  "Ah, not so much. ... the trick is not to close
           your eye until after."
    Jamie: "I understand, but it's coming right at me..."
    Paul:  "Don't look at it!"
    Jamie: "That's why I close my eye!"
  - Mr. Wicker: "Goodbye, Buchmans!"
    Buchmans:   "Goodbye, Wickers!"

  Supporting Cast: Maggie and Mr. Wicker.
  Guest Characters:
  Claire Wicker . . . . . . . . . . .  Anita Gillette
  The salesgirl . . . . . . . . . . .  Kristen Cloke
  The optician  . . . . . . . . . . .  Tony Edwards


3.5        Legacy

  Buchman's Sporting Goods store has its annual midnight sale
  and in arranging an appearance by a former Yankee player,
  Jamie gets her PR juices flowing. But Paul is left feeling
  uncomfortable, for more reasons than one.

  Story by:    Jeffrey Lane and Steve Paymer
  Teleplay by: Jeffrey Lane
  Directed by: David Steinberg
  Tease:       Paul being helped out by call screening.
  Tag:         A very tired Fran not being impressed by
                 Sloopy Dunbar's baseball impersonations.
  Expression:  "How?"
  Keys:  Jamie striking back at The Empire, Harvey Keitel's
         appendage, Paul's next job, Burt's TV ad, Jamie's new
         career, Ira's an heir, a lot about floss, 20-year old
         sneakers, going out with a bang, '64 Series memories.

  - Paul:   "If you know so much, tell me when is this guy ever
            going to call me back?"
    Jamie:  "He will." [the phone rings, she looks at him]
    Paul:   "Oh, stop it!"
  - Burt:   "You know what? I love these sneakers! I can't even
            tell I'm walking. I was in the stockroom, now I am
            here -- all I remember are shelves going by!"
  - Sylvia: "You're retiring. Why is it so hard to say?"
    Burt:   "Who says it's hard to say? I'm retiring, there!
            Maybe."
    Paul:   "Are you serious?"
    Burt:   "We think it's time, and I agree."           
  - Paul:   "Yes, I'm angry at my father, but I can't talk
            to my father! I only know how to talk to you!"

  Supporting Cast: Burt and Sylvia.
  Guest Characters:
  Sloopy Dunbar . . . . . . . . . .  Charles Hallahan
  Man looking for fishing rod . . .  Michael Tomlinson
  Woman shopping for golf clubs . .  Wendy Kamenoff


3.6        Pandora's Box

  Jamie works around Paul's opposition to having a TV in their
  bedroom and hot-wires an additional cable outlet with Fran's
  help. The inevitable, farcical complications lead ultimately
  to a citywide blackout.

  Written by:  Victor Fresco
  Directed by: David Steinberg
  Tease:       Still looking for the TV remote.
  Tag:         Al Roker reporting a newsflash, in place of
                 Tom Brokaw, who's stuck in an elevator.
  Keys:  A '$50' tip, the Andy Griffith Show, the client --
         it's just Ira, on faucets, sockets and outlets, stealing
         airwaves, the blue channel, comparing yellow hues, a
         crashed disk or maybe a coaster, a spirited defence of
         she who can't stop smiling.

  - Paul:  "Listen, you may know you better than me, and you may
           even know me better than me, but I know us better
           than you and I'm telling you -- it's a bad idea!"
  - Jamie: "Nobody's right and nobody's wrong! ... I'm a little
           bit more right!"

  Supporting Cast: Ursula, Maggie, Hal and Mr. Wicker.
  Guest Characters:
  Neighbor  . . . . . . . . . . . .  Liz Georges
  Her daughter  . . . . . . . . . .  Erin Trimble
  Actor on Soap Opera . . . . . . .  Brian Jensen
  Cable repairman . . . . . . . . .  Kevin M. Richardson
  Angry Neighbors . . . . . . . . .  Pat Crawford and
                                       Stan Sellers
  As himself  . . . . . . . . . . .  Al Roker


3.7        The Ride Home

  Fran's Birthday party is the setting for Jamie's unexpected
  encounter with an ex-boyfriend, and the saga of who dumped
  whom dominates her evening.  The cab-ride home provides
  two interlocking perspectives of the evening's events.

  Written by:  Liz Coe
  Directed by: David Steinberg
  Tease:       Silence in the cab: Paul contemplating the
                 lost shot at an NBC mini-series.
  Tag:         Silence in the cab: Jamie contemplating the
                 dinner engagement the following week.
  Alternate Tag: Paul and Jamie clarifying the Zest story,
                   to the cabbie's appreciative laughter.
  Alternate Tag: Paul describing his meeting with Alan and
                   the invitation to dinner the following week.
                     (syndication only)
  Expression:  "How could I know?"
  Keys:  Flat hair and bunching waiters, the fork in time,
         thank-you notes and the Zest story, the versatile lemon,
         Paul the chiropractor and a crackling neck, Alan and his
         tea, Rigoletto with elephants, the other woman, all about
         fish, party parting signals, waffles (not a muffin) at 7AM,
         and one more cookie (not Tums). A Mark sighting.
         The debut of Alan Tofsky.

  - Jamie: "It was really nice to see you!"
    Alan:  "You too!"
    Jamie: "And I did!"
  - Lisa:  "Scrod?"
    Paul:  "Royally!"
  - Fran:  "Please don't put down my food!"

  Guest Characters:
  Alan Tofsky  . . . . . . . . . . .  Eric Stoltz
  Carol, of NBC  . . . . . . . . . .  Wendie Malick
  Tracy, the model . . . . . . . . .  Senait
  Doris and her husband (Bob)  . . .  Judith Hoag and
                                        Vince Grant
  Cabbie . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Joe Flood
  "But this is Pennsylvania!" Man  .  Tyrees Allen


3.8        Giblets For Murray

  Jamie's perfect Thanksgiving feast involves a buffet
  for ten, and five turkeys, thanks to Murray and the
  ever-friendly neighborhood grocer Kim.

  Story by:    Jeffrey Klarik and Billy Grundfest
  Teleplay by: Jeffrey Klarik
  Directed by: David Steinberg
  Tease:       Waking up to a turkey break at 5:25 AM.
  Tag:         Aunt Lolly talking to her friend Lucille about
                 the Stemples and Buchmans, and trying
                 to figure out whose aunt she is.
  Expression:  "It's a fact!"
  Keys:  The first Buchman Thanksgiving, peeling potatoes
         and making ice, rationed marsh-mallows and extra
         water-chestnuts, sharing smoke with the city and
         alphabetic thanksgiving (A to V), clanging pipes
         and redoing the bedroom, the missile of Turkey,
         Sylvia's mother-in-law, Sylvia the mother-in-law.
         Appearance of second pair of actors to play the Stemples.
         Appearance of the second actor to play Kim.
         The debut of Aunt Lolly.

  - Fran:  "I've been here *minutes*!"
    Paul:  "Listen! I've been with 'em years; trust me,
           it gets worse!"
  - Lisa:  "I'm thankful I've therapy tomorrow."
  - Paul:  "We're adults!"
    Jamie: "I-KNOW!"

  Kim's triples:

      Doilies, acorn squash, and dental floss.
      Water, cold, and time.
      Votive candles, Lemon Pledge, and chocolate macaroons.
      Tweezers, pretzel nuggets, and a nice block of halvah.
      Smoked, not smoked, stuffed, not stuffed,
                          garnished, not garnished.
      Butterball, not Butterball, organic, not organic,
                          free range, range restricted.
      On the house!

  Paul's triple:

      No clam-dip, no light-bulbs, no margarine.

  Supporting Cast: Burt, Sylvia and Aunt Lolly.
  Guest Characters:
  Gus Stemple, Jamie's father  . . .  John Karlen
  Theresa Stemple, Jamie's mother  .  Penny Fuller
  Aunt Lolly  . . . . .  . . . . . .  Meg Wyllie
  Kim, the grocer  . . . . . . . . .  Ping Wu
  Neighbor in 12-D . . . . . . . . .  Herself


3.9        Once More, With Feeling

  As the Buchmans' sex-life waxes and wanes, Lisa snags
  a pair of free dinners, Fran loses a window office and
  Ira acquires a silent partner.

  Story by:    Victor Levin and Dan Greenberg
  Teleplay by: Victor Levin
  Directed by: David Steinberg
  Tease:       Two ways of getting a bagel.
  Tag:         Two losers settling accounts with Lisa.
  Expression:  "It happens!"
  Keys:  Meatloaf and sex, Aruba escapades, Buchman bucks,
         taking back a conversation, hanging up on Fran, a
         six-week diet, attractive vs. sexy, to the closet of
         last resort (not the kitchen table) with Pedro.
         The debut of Sid Novak.

  - Paul:  "Let's just go back to basics."
    Jamie: "Arousal!"
    Paul:  "Arousal! ... ... arouse me!"

  Supporting Cast: Ursula.
  Guest Characters:
  Sid Novak, Paul's editor . . . . .  George O. Petrie
  Manny Gantz (Ganz) . . . . . . . .  Jack Shearer


3.10        The City

  A bad day in the Big Apple leaves Jamie unwilling to go
  out to see a feel-good movie, but Paul talks her into an
  evening out, if only to meet Ira's new girlfriend.

  Written by:  Paul Reiser
  Directed by: David Steinberg
  Tease:       A typical dinner invitation from Sylvia.
  Tag:         On cabbies and clean streets from Hizzoner.
  Words:       Pedagogue, obstructed.
  Keys:  Paul's grant, Jamie's gripes, the mother of all
         dictionaries, leftside/rightside, muffin and Sprite,
         buying/selling tickets, a punch in the nose, veal on
         the sidewalk, a private screening, Riff's without Ursula.

  - Projectionist: "Nice night!"
    Paul:          "Maybe for you, not so much for us."
    Jamie:         "All...right, take it easy, honey!
                   We're out of muffins."

  Guest Characters:
  Velma  . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Marita Geraghty
  Cabbie . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Iqbal Theba
  Cab-crasher  . . . . . . . . . . .  Allan Wasserman
  Man in the line  . . . . . . . . .  Kelly Perine
  Elderly patron . . . . . . . . . .  Bibi Osterwald
  Woman in theatre . . . . . . . . .  June Gable
  Man in wheel-chair . . . . . . . .  Richard Robert Redlin
  The Projectionist  . . . . . . . .  George D. Wallace
  As himself . . . . . . . . . . . .  Rudolph Guiliani


3.11        Our Fifteen Minutes

  Paul is one of six documentary filmmakers selected by PBS
  to turn the camera on themselves for 15 minutes, and in
  his case, it turns into... well, see for yourself why the
  cast unanimously selected this as a top-5 favorite episode!

  Written by:  Jack Burditt
  Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
  Tag:         Getting back to being themselves on camera.
  Keys:  Yelling Chicken a-la-King and fetching with Murray,
         stealing Paperwhites and reading Scientific American
         (at arm's length), tearing an insert, hiring a wife,
         a Mowa and coffee filters, bikes 'n' things and the
         ants of New York, a cig, a tattoo and the dark side,
         Lisa's tour de force, cutting cake to go with ...
         Ira Gershwin or Courtney Love, Uma or Eunice or Karen,
         honesty (no matter what).

  - Jamie: "I don't need the whole world knowing we're slobs."
    Paul:  "But we *are* slobs!"
    Jamie: "No, you're a slob. I'm just tired."
    Paul:  "Yes, but it's real!"
    Jamie: "All right, fine! You know... it's not like your mother
           is going to watch this, see the socks on the bed, and
           be here everyday straightening up."
  - Jamie: "Why did you yell Chicken a la King at my sister?"
    Paul:  "I didn't know it was her!"
    Jamie: "Why would you yell Chicken a la King at anyone?"
    Paul:  "... I was talking with my foot!"

  Supporting Cast:  Maggie Conway.


3.12        How To Fall In Love

  Paul's ideas on how to meet and engage the opposite sex are
  tested by Jamie in a hypothetical encounter, while Ira has
  a very real encounter with Jamie's friend.

  Written by:  Jeffrey Lane
  Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
  Tease:       Paul dreaming about Mr. Mooney.
  Tag:         The Buchmans reviewing "What to do on a Date."
  Words:       Whom (repeatedly), putz.
  Keys:  Having 29 teeth, Chicken a la Poem, mimicking Paul,
         the name is Brenda, helping the fate-impaired,
         Find 'em, Meet 'em, Make 'em yours, chewing a straw,
         drinks on a dime, $1 watcher's tip, the Jodie Foster-
         Daniel Day Lewis look, psychic talk (and listen),
         crazy Pete on the corner, the looong elevator ride,
         but mostly about the egg-salad.
         The debut of Susannah Gould.

  - Jamie: "What's she like?"
    Paul:  "My wife? ... Kinda like you actually, your height,
           your hair, your eyes too..."
    Jamie: "Sounds perfect."
    Paul:  "Actually, no!  No, not so much perfect...
           She never puts the ATM stuff into the check-book,
           so we're always like $60 off..."
    Jamie: "Okay, I'm sorry..."
    Paul:  "Don't DEFEND her! ... She sneaks cigarettes behind
           my back, like I don't have a nose, and she doesn't
           tell me the Film Lab called last night, so I've
           got to go down in the middle of my lunch hour...
           then she... I could go on and on..."
    Jamie: "Why don't you *say* something?"
    Paul:  "Why make trouble?"
  - Paul:  "Did you know I was born without a head?"

  Supporting Cast:  Ursula and Maggie.
  Guest Characters:
  Susannah Gould . . . . . . . . . .  Anne Bobby
  Mick, at the bar . . . . . . . . .  Eric Lutes


3.13        Mad About You

  The saga of the three months leading up to Paul and Jamie's
  wedding, what with the invitations, the reception menu, the
  dress fittings, the band selection, the rehearsal dinner and
  the remarkable goings-on of the night before the wedding.

  Written by:  Danny Jacobson and Jeffrey Klarik
  Directed by: David Steinberg
  Tease:       Cleaning out the freezer section.
  Tag:         Dancing at the wedding.
  Words:       Willy-nilly, putz.
  Expressions: "What does this say?"
  Keys:  The 'Saved By The Bell' fix, sorbet in the ear,
         a guest-list under 80, or 12-60-1100, the big typo or
         an omen, squabble over squab, gravy boats, Pie or Pi,
         El Grandes or Executivos, a Tuxedo over the phone,
         smoking and binging, on being fat, the Upstate gig,
         Color My World, The Alley Cat, or The Hokey Pokey,
         the first dance, frozen tulips, zits and toothpaste,
         seating arrangements, dress-code for the strip-club,
         hanging out with the broads, Inca gifts (ear-rings,
         necklace or cloth) or Jamie's gift (lights, camera,
         Buchmans), Debbie's dilemma, Aunt Selma's call,
         some Con Ed humor on 15th Street at Bagel Nosh,
         two #6 washers and a jackhammer band.
         The Wedding song: "What the World needs now is Love,
         Sweet Love" (sung by Dionne Warwick).

  - Jamie:  "How are you holding up?"
    Paul:   [licking an envelope] "Well, if I had 2 tongues
            I'd be the happiest person in the world."
    Jamie:  [lighting a cigarette] "Second happiest."
  - Paul:   "It's got a pigeonesque quality..."
    Sylvia: "What's the difference between this and a pigeon?"
    Burt:   "Pigeon is on a ledge, this is on a plate..."
  - Jamie:  "Well! Everything's ruined. I need pie."
    Paul:   "Three point one four."
  - Lisa:   "I'm going to be your sister-in-law!"
    Paul:   "Yah... You, Miss Stemple, do you realize that tomorrow,
            this time, you'll be, Mrs. Buchman." [they start to kiss]
    Lisa:   "Just like his mother." [they can't, and stop]
  - Jamie:  "This is so stupid. What are we doing?"
    Paul:   "This is so not-what-I-wanted-it-to-be."
    Jamie:  "I was lying there, trying to picture tomorrow, I
             could see the food, I could see the flowers, I could
             see our parents. The only thing I couldn't see was us!"
    Paul:   "Why is there toothpaste on your head?"
  - Paul:   "Ira told me you marry people."
    Lenny:  "People marry each other, I just okay it for the State."
  - Paul:   "All I know is that I want to wake up with you naked
            for the rest of my life."
    Jamie:  "You are a strange... amazing man."
    Paul:   "Can I tell you... that the part of my brain that came
            up with this was not alive before I met you."

  Advice to Newlyweds:

  - Theresa:     "Everybody and their mother will be coming up
                  to you and wanting to give you advice.
                  Pay no attention."
  - The Mailman: "Wear comfortable shoes."
  - Debbie:      "Pick up the (half-pound of smoked) turkey."
  - Fran:        "Men say a lot of things... only listen to
                  a third of it."
  - Mark:        "Women need constant attention. Just talk to
                  her; it doesn't matter what you say...
                  Two-thirds of what I say to Fran, I don't
                  know what the hell I'm talking about."
  - Aunt Lolly:  "Never get a dog."

  Supporting Cast:  Mark Devanow, Sylvia and Burt, Debbie,
                    Theresa and Gus, Aunt Lolly and Remy.
  Guest Characters:
  Lenny, the renaissance man . . . .  Lyle Lovett
  The Postal worker  . . . . . . . .  Patrick Cronin
  Hillary, the caterer . . . . . . .  Jane Carr
  Saul, the dressmaker . . . . . . .  Ralph Lanza
  Antonio, the tailor  . . . . . . .  Vito Scotti
  Vicky, the dancer  . . . . . . . .  Kirsten Holmquist


3.14       Just My Dog

  The tale of Murray's show-biz career, spawned by a walk-on
  appearance in a commercial directed by Paul, advanced by an
  eager agent, leading all the way to an audition for a series.

  Written by:  Andrew Gordon and Eileen Conn
  Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
  Tease:       Paul trying on Jamie's beret. ("Wrong!")
  Tag:         Paul dreaming the dream, and enjoying it.
  Word:        Ruminating.
  Keys:   Looking for the loupe, Yum Yum gum, why one hates
          being single (or not), keeping warm in suede, humming,
          having an agent with 3 words, firing an assistant,
          seeing in black and white, but dreaming in color, doing
          one's own barking, then a rock video, then playing cujo,
          shaking tails, lack of synchrony at the sink.

  - Jamie: "He's bored."
    Paul:  "... He's Murray!"
    Jamie: "I would think you'd want a little more for him
           than that."
    Paul:  "Okay, just tell me now, how long until you drop it?"
    Jamie: "3 to 5 days."
    Paul:  "I'll call Bob!"

  Supporting Cast:  Maggie and Remy.
  Guest Characters:
  Bob, the agent . . . . . . . . . .  Brent Spiner
  The Ad Exec  . . . . . . . . . . .  Tom Gallop
  The Director . . . . . . . . . . .  Richard Frank
  As himself . . . . . . . . . . . .  Jay Leno
  As herself . . . . . . . . . . . .  Rachel Hunter


3.15        The Alan Brady Show

  Paul finds it very difficult to deal with the considerable
  ego of a legendary TV star, until help arrives in the form
  of a tip from a surprising quarter.

  Written by:  Kenny Schwartz
  Directed by: Gordon Hunt
  Tease:       Competing at really-love-you's.
  Tag:         Choreographing a funny entrace a la
                "The Dick Van Dyke Show," but not quite.
  Expression: "Oh, Paul!"
  Keys:   Charades, Bridge Over Troubled Water, pineapples,
          mom and daughters - back and forth, the big surprise,
          Aunt Lolly too, the Catskill escapades, the truth 
          about Uncle Miltie, Sid's disguise, business first,
          dinner later, the switch to Sid the pantomime narrator.

  - Jamie: "So what's he like?"
    Paul:  "He's like him, but in color."
  - Paul:  "You're going to wear that?"
    Jamie: "Paul!"
    Paul:  "What? [as Jamie mimes] ... Two words...
           First word... sounds like...  duck!
           Second word... [Jamie flicks the switch]  off!"
  - Lolly: "Oh that Alan, was he cute! And young - I liked
           'em young."
    Paul:  "WOW!"
    Lolly: "Wow nothing. He was just like his act. Six minutes
           of great material, with no finish." [long pause]
    Shea:  "That's just a bit more than I needed to know..."

  Supporting Cast:  Theresa Cooper Stemple, Aunt Lolly and Sid.
  Guest Characters:
  Alan Brady . . . . . . . . . . . .  Carl Reiner
  Mrs. Brady (in segment)  . . . . .  Alix Elias
  Maurice, the maitre d' . . . . . .  William Utay


3.16        Mad Without You

  Jamie goes up to Connecticut to keep her dad company, and the
  home-alone Paul gets quite giddy being Lord of the Manor.

  Written by:  Billy Grundfest
  Directed by: Michael Lembeck
  Tag:         Mass escape in the dead of night.
  Keys:   Missing a basket, French's vs. Poupon, harmonizing
          with the fridge (humming?), calling the guys (Zucker?),
          Ira's date, Fran's shower, Lisa's lunch, pet ferret,
          pickup, delivery and another pickup, Brits at the Opera,
          warm, hot and cold (malaria?), the major collapse.

  - Paul:  "Milk! Perfect example of things that are mine!
           [drinks from the carton]
           See that? Virtually empty, yet I put it right back."
  - Jamie: "You want me to come home?"
    Paul:  "No, no, no! Hey, everything's under control."
    Jamie: "I'll talk to you in 5 minutes."
  - Lisa:  "I was just in the neighborhood and thought
           I'd bring you some lunch."
    Paul:  "Did Jamie say to do that?"
    Lisa:  "No."
    Paul:  "She tell you to say no?"
    Lisa:  "Yes."
  - Lisa:  "Great! I've got 14 things and 3 holes. What do I do?"
    Ira:   "Join the circus."

  Supporting Cast:  Maggie, Hal and Mr. Wicker.
  Guest Characters:
  Sister Dorothea  . . . . . . . . .  Debra Mooney
  Drycleaning pickup man . . . . . .  Carlos Ferro
  Meat of the Month Club man . . . .  Bill Ingram
  Sisters of Charity Mover . . . . .  Andrew Craig
  Man bidding on the bed . . . . . .  Tony Edwards


3.17        Purseona

  Paul's Canadian adventure gets off to a bad start, Jamie's
  pitch to a client does likewise, while Lisa's day is smooth
  sailing after she accidentally snags her sister's purse and
  more.  Even Lisa's shrink makes an appearance (and a writer).

  Written by:  Andrew Gordon and Eileen Conn
  Directed by: Michael Lembeck
  Tease:       Paul dealing with the loss of his hair.
  Tag:         Lisa dealing with an excavation of her purse.
  Word:        Lolly-gagging.
  Expression:  "Oh, you must be Jamie!"
  Keys:   Dog sledding in Whitehorse (for ESPN2), Print campaign
          or Radio spots, missing passport, packing the parka,
          Yukon gloves or a newspaper, Mitten-Boy pointing at
          Teamsters, PMS and a stun-gun, a trail of pistachios,
          the glass jar, panhandling the shrink (or her patient),
          tissue or another newspaper, pre-goodbye in the subway
          carriage, a Canadian waiver at Edmonton,
          The Return of Midnight Express [1.3].

  - Jamie: "We'll find her..."
    Paul:  "We don't even know which way she went! Look at
           this... look at this, pistachio shells.  Still moist!"
    Jamie: "Come on, follow them."
    Paul:  "It's like Hansel and Gretel, but with nuts!"
  - Jamie: "Hey,hey,hey! Maybe you can borrow Ira's passport."
    Paul:  "Now, there's a bad idea!"
    Jamie: "Why?"
    Paul:  "Because, dopey, I'll end up in jail!"
    Jamie: "So what? It's Canada. They're *nice*!"
    Paul:  "Not in jails! Never heard stories of Canadian jails?
           ... they're the worst jails of all jails."
    Jamie: "What stories?"
    Paul:  "I've heard stories..."
    Jamie: "Okay, give me *one* story."
    Paul:  "Remember Midnight Express?"
    Jamie: "That was Turkey, and they were smuggling drugs!"
    Paul:  "Not originally. They changed it, for the movies."
  - Lisa:  [opening a box and extracting a black pantyhose]
           "Hey! This is not my purse!"
  - Paul:  "Why do I smell toast?"

  Guest Characters:
  Dr. Wallach  . . . . . . . . . . .  Nancy Lenehan
  Salesgirl at Klarik's  . . . . . .  Clea Lewis
  Mr. Howard, of Klarik's  . . . . .  John O'Leary
  Mr. Boniello, the client . . . . .  Pierre Gonneau
  Man at the airport . . . . . . . .  Michael Leopard
  Dr. Wallach's patient  . . . . . .  Andrew Gordon


3.18        Two Tickets To Paradise

  Sylvia Buchman decides Paradise is not for her, so Paul and
  Jamie use his parents' non-refundable package for a holiday
  in the Caribbean, telling tall tales in multiple languages.

  Written by:  Rick Wiener
  Directed by: Michael Lembeck
  Tease:       Naming the eight planets.
  Tag:         Dancing to the calypso beat.
  Expression:  "Splink! Splink!"
  Keys:   The Road to Dullsville, or Boringtown, or Rutland,
          or Yawnburg, or Mt. Otony, on being Paul's mother
          for 5 days, 8 beads = $35, Pop-Up TV, tide schedule,
          Jamie's new glasses, the Kate Hepburn look, #45 screen,
          French finals, looking for Mister Guy, no-see-em-bugs,
          at the Peace Talks (the same story since time began),
          the contest on the boardwalk, the hammock toss,
          smoking in the Secret Service, Guava and Papaya juice,
          attack on the speaker, if not by boat then by air,
          The Return of Don Ho and Alfred Hitchcock, but not
          Martin Scorsese [1.4].

  - Paul:   [sitting down] "Yaaaarghhhhhhhhh!!"
    Jamie:  "What's the matter?"
    Paul:   "I'm supposed to be my father -- you sit,
            you announce it!"
  - Jamie:  "I'm really tired of being your parents."
    Paul:   "Well, we already left ourselves behind,
            so who else have you got?"
  - Waiter: "Et Monsieur?"
    Paul:   "Yah... I'm going to have a...
            a Reuben.. and the fries of your people."
  - Louise: "I'm Louise, this is Ron."
    Paul:   "Hi, I'm Paul and this is my wife..."
    Jamie:  [cuts in] "...Simone! Bonjour!"
    Louise: "I - love - your - accent!"
    Simone: "Sank you! And I love yours!" [Paul looks amused]
    Louise: [gushing] "Oh, you speak English!"
    Simone: "A little..."
    Paul:   "Listen, we're not..."
    Simone: [cuts in] "...very comfortable with ze English."
    Louise: "Oh no, no! You're doing just fine."
    Paul:   "We're not French!"
    Simone: "No, just me! My husband is a... dip-lo-mat."
    Louise: [gushing] "Oh, really? That's so interesting!"
            [Paul is beginning to look not so amused]
    Simone: [aside to Paul] "More interesting than the ride
            on the burro, no?"
    Louise: "I beg your pardon?"
    Simone: "It is an idiom... I do not know how to say it..."
            [hands wave in the air; the English is so difficult]
    Louise: "How did you two meet?"
    [Note: You'll just have to *see* the rest of it...]
  - Paul:   "I wouldn't say I invented it, but I said
            to Lipton: you've got a cup, you've got noodles,
            you do the math!"
  - Jamie:  "What's-her-name heard us telling people stuff,
            so I had to say *something*!"
    Paul:   "So that's what you came up with? That we are crazy?"
    Jamie:  "No, just-you."

  Guest Characters:
  Trish Dawson . . . . . . . . . . .  Caroline Aaron
  Sam and Fritzi Frank . . . . . . .  John C. Moskoff and
                                        Annie Korzen
  The Waiter . . . . . . . . . . . .  Dominic Hoffman
  Louise . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Pamela Dunlap
  The neighbor at the hammock  . . .  Gregg Daniel
  The Bowling enthusiast . . . . . .  William Mesnick
  Boat rental agent  . . . . . . . .  Mark Tymchyshyn
  Mr. Shapiro  . . . . . . . . . . .  Michael Lembeck


3.19        Money Changes Everything

  Marianne returns from Luxembourg, sans husband, but with
  "more money than Canada," eager to finance Ira's new catalog
  business with an interest-free loan, but his silent partner
  finds voice to veto the deal.

  Written by:  Victor Fresco
  Directed by: Michael Lembeck
  Tease:       Paul overhearing Jamie and Susannah.
  Tag:         Jamie trying on a different tiara.
  Words:       Ensnarement, obsequious, coups.
  Expression:  "Means to an end."
  Keys:   Dual conversation, double headache, Duvalier the
          photographer, Ira's catalog and Ira's towels, becoming
          an 800 number, Boston cream-pie or a cake, Monaco or
          Luxembourg, the Contessa's stuff, bejeweled tiara and
          Knicks' tickets, Paul's Citizen Kane (only taller),
          eyelash in egg-salad, spilling milk on Matty Escobar,
          the Count's koops, Paul's move.

  - Jamie: "What do you mean you told him not to go out with me?"
    Ira:   "What do I know?  I met you one time,
            you kept showing off your vocabulary!"
    Jamie: [to Paul] "You never told me he didn't like me."
    Paul:  "Because you were so down on him,
            I didn't want to fuel the fire."
    Ira:   "Wait,wait,wait, you didn't like me?"
    Jamie: "On first impression, you were a little obsequious."
    Ira:   "You see! There, you're doing it again!"
            [a bit later]
    Jamie: [muttering] "Plenty of people use obsequious!"

  Supporting Cast:  Sid and Susannah.
  Guest Characters:
  Marianne Lugasso . . . . . . . . .  Cyndi Lauper
  Boston Celtics Fan . . . . . . . .  E. J. Callahan
  As Himself . . . . . . . . . . . .  Patrick Ewing


3.20        Cake Fear

  The saga of Paul's birthdays since meeting Jamie, going back
  and then forth, recounting the disasters and the strange tale
  of a bottle of Grandfather port.

  Written by:  Jeffrey Lane
  Directed by: Michael Lembeck
  Tease:       Jamie checking that Paul has the tickets.
  Tag:         Ambulance racing to the ER.
  Keys:   Checking off impending disasters, practicing for
          a new one, down memory lane, or a wishing well,
          Roscoe the cat (but no canary), Lisa's 7 pills,
          Fran's party, Sid from Minsk, looking like
          Errol Flynn, being a French word, Freckles' port,
          figuring it out (but walking alone), separating
          the books - Ivanhoe, Girls of James Bond, Cujo -
          solid cake, Charade and The Silence of the Lambs,
          face in the cake, or cat on the head.

  - Paul:  "You want to know what I was thinking about?"
    Jamie: "I just want to know whose copy of Cujo this is!"
    Paul:  "All right! I'm going to tell you what I was
            thinking about, the whole time I'm out there. I'm
            walking along and I'm looking back at the year and
            I'm going 'hey! remember this? hey! remember that?'
            and I see all these people, they're looking at me
            because I'm talking to myself but they don't know
            I'm talking to *you*! And all of a sudden, I realize
            I've figured it out -- I now have somebody else to
            walk with, for the rest of my life. That's what I
            was thinking about...  But you know what?  You're
            right, you're right, it's my birthday, I don't have
            to discuss it if I don't want to... [walks over to
            the dining table]  I'm going to have cake."
            [He chops off a slice]
    Paul:   [a considerable time later, with 2 mugs of port]
           "To the future!" [their fingers rub]

  Supporting Cast:  Maggie, Aunt Lolly, Sid and Susannah.


3.21        My Boyfriend's Back!

  Jamie is obliged to work on an advertising campaign with her
  ex-boyfriend Alan, a graphics artist, who has recently published
  a comic book about an evil Queen in outer space. But the regal
  looks and exploits sound like anything but fiction to Jamie.  

  Written by:  Victor Fresco and Victor Levin
  Directed by: Michael Lembeck
  Animation by:  Sony Imageworks
  Tease:       Paul being kissed as no man has ever been
                 kissed before (even the fridge moves).
  Tag:         Paul explaining the nuances of Queen Talon's
                 exploits to Sylvia, with Jamie's help.
  Expression:  "The milk will keep."
  Keys:   Shooting the last milkman in New York, pizza on
          Tuesday at 5, Ralphy's Diner promotion, a mascot
          idea -- a puppy or a bald guy, Ken or Paul, Maria
          the maid, Lisa's guppies, recognition at school,
          being out of yogurt, or out of pizza, MegaVoid,
          between Alan Alda and Brenda Vaccaro, the saga of
          having the last word, the origin of "whom."

  - Jamie: "What time do you want me to set 
            the alarm for tonight?"
    Paul:  "I've got to be back at the dairy at 6."
    Jamie: "How are you going to do this all week?"
    Paul:  "It's easy... sleep till dinner and I feel
            like breakfast.  Then I shoot till sunrise, that
            feels like twilight.  I come home for breakfast,
            that feels like dinner.  I watch old Regis, feels
            like Leno."
    Jamie: "And that works?"

  Supporting Cast:  Hal and Alan.
  Guest Characters:
  Ralphy . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Jon Polito
  Mikey  . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Gareth Williams
  Mother of frightened child . . . .  April Ortiz
  Pizzeria men . . . . . . . . . . .  Larry Romano and
                                       Robert Dorfman


3.22        Up In Smoke [Season Finale]

  Unable to buy her an anniversary present, with or without
  everyone else's help, Paul hands Jamie a slip of paper that
  reads "this note entitles the bearer to one magical night."
  Things take a decidedly unusual turn after that.

  Story by:    Jeffrey Lane (Part I)
  Teleplay by: Andrew Gordon, Eileen Conn and Jeffrey Klarik (Part I)
  Story by:    Jeffrey Lane (Part II)
  Teleplay by: Jack Burditt and Jeffrey Lane (Part II)
  Directed by: Michael Lembeck
  Words:       Umlaut (over the 'e'?), puzzling, schmear.
  Keys:   Sylvia's presents - cashmere and flame-retardant,
          Jamie's meeting, $10 limit or maybe $20, presents
          from the heart, Nagel's tray or glass grapes, antique
          ink-well or a weed-wacker, poster of the first movie,
          the Twilight Room, party of 6 for 9:07, sconeheads in
          11-D (with a steam-room), a couch named Murray, a cab
          numbered 9C69, the Saturday specials at Riff's, Jamie
          as a partner at Farrer, Gantz (with an assistant),
          not-so-basic nachos and Rob Roys for $3 at Scamps,
          Ira and Jamie, Ira and the Nightcaps, Paul and Baywatch,
          and some special effects.

  - Ursula: "I'm sorry but the chef says we're all out
             of the chicken."
    Ira:    "That's okay, we didn't order the chicken."
    Ursula: [turns away] "All right, I'll try again."
             [a bit later]
    Ursula: "Okay, you're in luck, I found 2 more chickens."
    Ira:    "No,no,no, we didn't order a chicken,
             we are splitting a club sandwich!"
    Ursula: "I'm sorry! There are no substitutions."
  - Jamie:  [slapping Ira] "What is the matter with you?"
    Ira:    "What?"
    Jamie:  "I have to hang that thing in my home!"
    Ira:    "What's wrong with it?"
    Jamie:  "She's got a bus in her uterus!"
  - Paul:   "You think the Gods are up there everyday saying
             let's screw with the Buchmans today and see
             if they pass the test?"
    Jamie:  "What test?"
    Paul:   "The test."
    Jamie:  "What Gods?"
    Paul:   "The Gods, the Gods, Zeus and Jicama."
    Jamie:  "Jicama is the white stuff in salads you don't like."
    Paul:   "What do I mean?"
    Jamie:  "Hecuba."
    Paul:   "Hecuba.  Zeus and Hecuba!"
    Jamie:  "Hecuba wasn't a God. She was the Queen of Troy."
    Paul:   "You know what? I need a cigarette too!"
    Jamie:  "Good. Let's buy some..." 
             [her voice trails off at the discovery]

  Supporting Cast:  Ursula, Maggie and Hal, Mr. Wicker,
                             Susannah and Alan.
  Guest Characters:
  Maitre d' . . . . . . . . . . . .  Edward Hibbert
  Barking woman . . . . . . . . . .  Cady Huffman
  Newsdealers . . . . . . . . . . .  F. X. Vitolo and
                                      Tony Con-Forti.


3.23        The Test [A Montage]

  A long wait at the bus-stop leaves time for the Buchmans to take a
  Cosmo marriage test. A clip show culled from episodes of the first
  three seasons that features a full-length rendition of the theme
  song ("The Final Frontier") at the end.

  Written by:  Kenny Schwartz and Rick Weiner
  Directed by: Michael Lembeck
  Tease:       Talking about the seasonality of cantaloupes.
  Keys:   A 2-page recipe, ES and BL at the bus-stop,
          "Bliss or Blunder? Perfect Mate or Big Mistake?",
          numerical confirmation, potassium deficiency,
          banana power (never touched).

  - Paul: [helping Jamie add up their score] "Carry the one."

  The Questions:

  - "Do you believe in love at first sight?"
    Answer: [1.11].
  - "On a scale from 1 to 10, rate your sex life."
    Answer: [1.1], [3.9], [2.22], [2.13], 2.2].
  - "Would you say you get along all of the time,
        some of the time, or none of the time?"
    Answer: [2.7], [2.15], [2.20], [3.13], [2.15], [2.7], [2.5].
  - "Who would you say really runs your household?"
    Answer: [2.2], [2.12], [2.2], [2.20], [2.2], [2.20].
  - "Does your spouse still find the little things you do
        endearing?"
    Answer: [2.19], [3.14], [3.9], [2.15], [2.22], [2.3], [2.23].
  - "Do you enjoy spending time with your spouse's family?"
    Answer: [2.3], [3.13], [1.18], [3.21], [2.20], [3.13].
  - "Do you share your fantasies with your spouse?"
    Answer: [2.15].

  The Final Frontier Montage:

    [1.16], [2.4], [2.16], [3.11], [1.15], [2.8], [2.9],
    [1.16], [2.1], [3.17], [2.10], [3.16], [3.18], [3.11],
    [2.7], [2.18], [2.24], [1.17], [3.10], [1.16], 3.12],
    [3.18], [2.12], [3.9], [3.8], [3.22] and [1.16].     


----------------------------------------------------------------

The Production Team

  Created by:             Paul Reiser and Danny Jacobson
  Executive Producers:    Danny Jacobson, Jeffrey Lane
  Co-Executive Producer:  Victor Fresco
  Consulting Producer:    Liz Coe
  Creative Consultant:    Victor Levin
  Producers:              Paul Reiser, Bruce Chevillat
  Co-Producers:           Billy Grundfest, Andrew Gordon,
                          Eileen Conn, Jeffrey Klarik
  Supervising Producer:   Marjorie Weitzman
  Associate Producer,
    then Co-Producer:     Craig Knizek
  Script Supervisor:      Victoria Weisbart
  Production Coordinator: Susan Garon-Elliott
  Costumes:               Audrey Darin, Debi Orrico
  Art Direction:          Bernard Vyzga
  Photography:            Mikel Neiers
  Editing:                Sheila Amos
  Sound Mixing:           Peter Damski

  Writers:   Jack Burditt, Liz Coe, Eileen Conn, Victor Fresco,
             Andrew Gordon, Dan Greenberg, Billy Grundfest,
             Danny Jacobson, Jeffrey Klarik, Jeffrey Lane,
             Victor Levin, Kenny Schwartz, Paul Reiser and
             Rick Wiener.

  Directors: Gordon Hunt, Michael Lembeck, Thomas Schlamme
             and David Steinberg.

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