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---THE ALT.TASTELESS PHRASE BOOK--- v. 1.05 This attempt is in no way complete, and aimed at people new to the net in general and alt.tasteless in particular. :-) Tilt your head to the right. Yep, it's a cock about to penetrate. Figures like this one are used when people have just said something naughty, sort of a "Know what I mean know what I mean nudge nudge wink wink say no more say no more." *[word]*: Asterisks are used either for *emphasis*, or to indicate that it's a sound... like, *plop* *plop* *plop* ("Buaah, I want to die because I'm a spastic"). AKA: Also Known As. AMPALLANG: Piercing of the glans of the penis (the head). Runs horizontally above the urethra and has origins in Borneo. APADRAVYA: Vertical piercing through the glans, or sometimes through the shaft of the penis, just behind the glans. Mentioned in the original Kama Sutra. ASAP: As Soon As Possible. ASSWIPING: Most male alt.tastelessers wipe front to back with their right hand, usually sitting, leaning invitingly to the left. All look at the paper after the wipe, and some taste and kiss it. AT: Short for 'alt.tasteless'. 'ATer' refers to an alt.tasteless regular. BEARS: Persons, usually male, whose physical characteristics tend toward the husky and hirsute. CHOAD: Prick. Cock. Dick. ManTool. Vibrating snotmonster. One-eyed trouser snake. You get the idea. A long-neglected and abused synonym for "penis," the word "choad" dates back a good long time. According to The Jargon File 4.0.0: "This term is alleged to have been inherited through 1960s underground comics, and to have been recently sighted in the Beavis and Butthead cartoons. Speakers of the Hindi, Bengali and Gujarati languages have confirmed that `choad' is in fact an Indian vernacular word equivalent to `fuck'; it is therefore likely to have entered English slang via the British Raj." Anyway, it was kept barely alive somehow, and has achieved a well-deserved resurrection and re-erection in AT. The tireless literary antics of David Garrett (firstname.lastname@example.org) and Adam Thornton (email@example.com) have nearly succeeded in revamping the word, bringing it to its full turgid glory. Beavis and Butthead have been known to use the word "choad" and the more common compound noun "choadsmoker" to mean, roughly, "a gobbler of nobs." The next time you're about to casually toss off a reference to a "willy," a "wankie," a "dick," a "Throbbing PleasureProng (TM)," a "Purple-Headed SnotNazi (TM)," or a "schlong," think again, and substitute the word "choad" instead. Become a Friend of the Choad: make it possible for the choad to once again roam the vocabularies of the world, its head held proudly erect. A choadstool is then what we call the fungal growth found on an unwashed scrotum. CHURD: A fecal dildo. CUNT: A cunt by any other name, would smell as rank. Cunt is "Vittu" [v!too] in Finnish, and "Pusquish" [pus squish] in Cree. The Germans yell "Fotze" [fawt-tse] under normal circumstances, and "MOse" when they want to indicate that the cunt in question is slightly smaller, a little pinker and more wet than the usual slobbering crotch wound. DARWIN: A person who through stupidity or otherwise kills him/herself intentionally or unintentionally before he/she has had a chance to reproduce; or, the event in which such winnowing of the gene pool occurs. From http://www.darwinawards.com: "In his seminal work, "The Origin of Species," Charles Darwin presented evidence that species evolve over time to fit their environment better . . . . Consider that there are three requirements for evolution to occur. First, a species must show diversity . . . . Second, there must be a selective pressure working . . . . Third, the trait must be inheritable . . . . . The stories on this website, which range from the sublimely ironic to the pathetically stupid, display examples of trial and (fatal) error that vividly illustrate evolution in all its selective glory." DOGS: Are frequently rather tasteless. Apart from eating the fecal matter of almost any other mammal, they are also pretty keen on tampons, condoms and socks. It might be a profound wish for another tail that makes the dogs eat these objects that'll inevitable end up hanging out their puss-oozing and mite-ridden asses. They're also familiar with shitting and vomiting in the living room. The life of a canine is one long party. DRUG: A recommendation: Take all, and in as large quantities as possible. We especially recommend Dimethyl Sulfate. Not only does it randomly unwind and reform your DNA profile, it has also "been known to cause spontaneous cancerous lesions in rats." The official warning continues: "Extremely hazardous. No warning characteristics (e.g. odor, irritation). Delayed appearance of symptoms may permit unnoticed exposure to lethal quantities. Liquid produces severe blistering, necrosis of the skin... Vapors, after relatively asymptomatic latent period, cause severe inflammation and necrosis of the eyes, mouth, respiratory tract. Severe and fatal pulmonary damage may result. Systematically causes prostration, convulsions, delirium, paralysis, coma, delayed damage to kidneys, liver, heart with ensuing death in severe cases" "Have a big night on DMS and come home in a bucket." DURIAN: Large oval tasty but foul-smelling fruit with a prickly rind. Comes from an East Indian tree, who shall remain nameless. DYDOE: Piercing through the ridge of the glans, usually done on the side of the head and often in pairs. This piercing was originally done by Jewish men who wished to enhance their sexual pleasure (which they thought had been diminished by circumcision). FECO-STALAGMITE: Euphemism denoting the majestic molehill of shit found nesting in the bowl of clogged toilets. FELCHING: Sucking cum out of an arsehole. Who/what the cum and arsehole belongs to is up to your imagination and health standards. If you have trouble reaching, use a straw. FRENUM: Piercing through the skin of the penis, on the underside just behind the glans. Often a large ring that circles the penis under the ridge of the glans is worn through this piercing. This provides stimulation to both partners during intercourse and acts much like a cock ring. GUICHE: Piercing of the web of flesh that runs between the anus and the scrotum. A weight is often suspended from a guiche. GROGAN: A piece of shit. HAFADA: Piercing on the side of the scrotal sac originally done to Arab boys as a rite of passage. HAGGIS: Scottish delicacy made by filling a sheep's paunch with ground intestines, barley and a shot of scotch. IMHO: In My Hog-fucking Opinion. JOKES: Alt.tasteless.jokes is now taking care of all the short jokes. Rec.humor has the _Canonical List of [rude, mommy mommy, dead baby etc. etc.]_ jokes. Ask them. Or get them from our ftp site (details somewhere below). KAKA-SUTRA: Affectionate name for _The Canonical List of Tasteless Sex Acts_. LJBF: "Let's Just Be Friends." Sentence usually uttered by girl when offered a good squicking. MOTSS: Member of The Same Sex. NAMBLA: The North American Man/Boy Love Association is a civil rights/political organization. They support CONSENSUAL intergenerational relationships and help educate society about the nature of such relationships. NAMBLA publishes a Bulletin ten times a year which is sent by first class mail to its members. (It includes news, feature articles, letters, book reviews, short stories, etc.) They also publish a literary Journal (literary gifted alt.tastelessers take note, this might be your way to fame), books and other material (all of which are strictly legal). ObT: Short for "ObTasteless". 'Ob' means 'obligatory,' and you usually append an ObTasteless at the end of your post if it hasn't been sufficiently tasteless. OOBE: Out Of Body Experience. Something you experience during a very good shit. PRINCE ALBERT: Piercing that consists of a ring which goes through the urethra and out behind the glans. QUEEF: Pussy fart, vart, fanny fart. QUEEN KRISTINA: Piercing of the clitoral hood. REAMING: Getting fucked vigorously up the colon. RIMMING: Sphincter licking. SIC: 'Yes, though hard to believe, this is, in fact, an exact quote.' SD: Sperm Donor. See below. SHART: A fart where shit comes out. Obviously if you turn up the ratio of shit to fart, you have a mere typical shit, instead of a shart. Thus it is something of a judgment call as to where the shart stops and the shit begins. Use your best judgment on this. SHIT: The brown color of feces is caused by stercobilin and urobilin, which are derivatives of bilirubin. Bilirubin, a main constituent of bile, is derived from breakdown products of dead red blood cells, specifically the toxic parts of the heme ring from hemoglobin molecules. That's why athletes on steroids have white shit: the steroids fuck up the liver so it can't throw the toxic stuff into the feces where it belongs. The odor is caused principally by the products of bacterial action; these vary from one person to another, depending on each person's colonic bacterial flora and on the type of food eaten. The actual odoriferous products include indole, skatole, mercaptans, and hydrogen sulfide. Eating lots of fat will give you the nastiest smelling shits if you make sure it doesn't stay in the colon for too long. A pound of pork chops followed by gin, a laxative or an enema is a sure winner among scatological connaisseurs. There's a place here for a discussion of Olestra. As you probably know, Olestra is an indigestable fat substitute found in some low-fat snack foods. There's a lot of information about it on the Web. In some people, Olestra engenders impressive flatulation: "On the second day I noticed a larger than normal amount of gas building up inside my colon. I would have to squeeze it out with a painful bubble popping feeling. The smell was unique. Me being a champion gas passer thought I had smelled it all.... No this was new.... sweet backed up sewer smell in a hot thick impermeable cloud." (quote from jesses at texas.net) Olestra is my Shepherd; I shall not digest. It maketh me lie down on brown bedsheets; It leadeth me beside the still cesspool. It restoreth my stool; It leadeth me in the paths of cow pies for chrissakes. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the clouds of methane, I will light no match; for Thou fart with me; thy turd and thy shit they befoul me. Thou preparest a toilet before me in the presence of mine excreta; Thou annointest my head with soil; my pants runneth over. Surely odor and moistness shall follow me all the days of my life; and I shall dwell in the smallest room of the house of the Lord forever. SMEGMA: A cheesy, sebaceous secretion that forms between the foreskin and the glans of the penis of male mammals. Having smelt it few have the nerve to coat their tongue with it or swallow it. A shame really as this homegrown product easily outcompetes the flavours of all the cheeses made from milk (except the cheese made from dingo's milk). SO: Significant Other, will generally mean your loved one. SOOTIKIN OR SUTIKIN: A small, mouse-shaped deposit formed in the vaginal cleft, usually of poorer women who did not wear undergarments common until the nineteenth century. A sootikin built up over several weeks, even months, of not washing. It was composed of particles of soot, dirt, sweat, smegma (qv) and vaginal and menstrual discharge. When it reached a certain size and weight, it tended to work loose and drop from under the woman's skirt. Contemporary writings, including those of Pepys and Boswell, mention men employed in London churches to sweep up sootikins after services. There even exists one scurrilous account, from an anonymous source, of a tell-tale sootikin being al- legedly found under or suspiciously close to Queen Anne's chair in St Paul's Cathedral during the Thanksgiving Service for the end of the War of the Spanish Succession. SPERM DONOR: Self-explanatory. The male from which the spooge spews. Not always human. Often abbreviated "SD." SPLINTH: Split-stream pissing caused by dried spooge, menstrual juices, or STD drippings across the opening of the choad. SPOO-TOY: Provider of spooge. Usually male; not always human. Usually abbreviated 'SD'. SPOOGE RECEPTACLE: Recipient of spooge. Not always female; occasionally human. Usually abbreviated 'SR'. SQUICKING: The practice one takes up when skull fucking becomes tedious. Skull fucking is the easiest of the two acts, as you only have to remove your partners eye to get somewhere to stick your thingie. A proper squicking requires you to trephine your partner (make a hole in your partners skull) and pork its brain this way. Aiming for the gap between the two hemispheres is said to provide you with firestorming orgasms. The variations are of course endless. The guru in this field is Geoff Miller (firstname.lastname@example.org). But please do only contact him in expert matters concerning squicking, as he cannot spend time learning newbies vanilla squicking. 'Squick' is also used as a synonym for 'being pushed beyond ones limits' in alt.sex.bondage. Therefore you'll sometimes experience people using the word (i.e.: "That article really squicked me" or, "He squicked my arsehole.") SR: Spooge Receptacle or Sperm Receptacle. See above. TANGO UNIFORM: Tits Up, i.e., dead. TITS UP: Dead. TWINK(IE): Generally, a cute young (male) thing (CYT). Known as "golden, creamfilled, and ready to be eaten." (Etymology: In the US, Twinkies(tm) are snack cakes with these same properties.) UNCLE CHUCK: Charles Darwin. See "DARWIN," above. URINE: ...can, just as shit, be perceived by all 5 senses and the special 6th bodily fluid sense that the old time alt.tastelesser unavoidably develops. We will therefore not go into detail with the rancid bladdersplash itself. Rather the info will concern its sterility; can we safely drink it? Yes, we can. Why drink pee then? The scientific explanation is that urine, and morning urine in particular, contains high amounts of melatonine, which is a hormone produced by the epiphyse during the night. Apart from having a soothing and pain-killing effect melatonine also cheats the body into believing that it has slept more than it actually has. This manifests itself as a feeling of well-being and refreshment. How ones body responds to this refreshment depends on a number of things, the most important being the concentration of waste products in this wine for gods. If you drink someone's urine after they've had a sixpack, your kidneys will not be overworked with the extra waste products, but it may not then have the desired taste / smell / consistency. To help your kidneys you should always drink a lot of water after your pee-games. The most famous pee-drinker was good ol' Mahatma Gandhi. His mornings would start with him emptying his potty in a good swig, allegedly for 'The health of the spirit.' Truly the sign of a great statesman. Prime Minister Morarji Desai followed in the piss trickle and drank piss each morning when he reigned (1977-1979). Lucky were the other leaders that had conversations with him on mornings where he had forgot to brush his teeth. No information as to the pee-drinking habits of the current Indian prime minister. Oh, and while we're at it, don't eat asparagus before drinking your pee. Asparagus has an amino acid in it that makes your yellow drops smell horribly, as well as changing the taste. And don't drink piss from a person with a contagious disease unless you really want it. Speaking of that, Savage Pisser/Skinhead John (squicker at servtech.com) is the current piss adviser of alt.tasteless. Ask him anything wee wee related you like. He'll be happy to help you. VEGEMITE: ... Can be bought in some health stores and isn't really the canned stool sample that rumour claim it is. Here are some first hand experiences with the edible caca: "I too have had Vegemite. I found a stock in a 'health food' store. US$ 2.69 for a 4 ounce (113 gram) jar. "5 calories per serving." It has an odd, purply-brown color, and a smooth, thick, sticky texture. The 'axle-grease' association is accurate. It does indeed have quite a strong salty, yeasty flavor, and you had better spread it on _very_ thinly. I think it looks like a substance from my native land called 'catfish dough bait,' only said bait is a bit grainier, not as creamy. Catfish dough bait has a thick, liverish, bloody odor to it, and appeared to be a compound of mud, blood and pureed liver. On a hot day, opening the tub of dough bait and inhaling deeply could give you vertigo and motion sickness. I find it hard to believe that Marmite has a stronger, more vicious taste than Vegemite." "Vegemite has a pretty vicious aftertaste, and because of the yeast extract, it tends to come back to you later, in belches. It's also one of those foods with such a peculiar taste that no matter what you eat afterwards, Vegemite is the taste that sticks with you." "It is very strong, try a little, then impress your friends with what looks like eating slabs of bread wiped in black excrement." "Well, as a New Zealander, I can truthfully say that Marmite is the only real yeast extract worth eating. Vegemite is for wimps, while Marmite is for real men. It has a much stronger, more vicious aftertaste than Vegemite." Ingredients: Yeast extract (comes from the grunge that is left over after the beer brewing process), sea salt, potassium chloride, malt extract, caramel color, natural flavor, niacin, thiamine hydorchloride, riboflavin. Serving size: 3.25 gram; Servings per container: 35. Cheese and Vegemite sandwiches are so common in Australia that the manufacturer (Kraft) now sells premixed cheese & Vegemite slices (they are a greyish colour, and very nice between buttered white bread, possibly with some lettuce) ObTrivia: Vegemite was invented after Marmite, and for a short time was called Parwill (get the pun? Mar mite, Par will. Ho ho!). "Vegemite" was the result of a renaming contest in the 30s (?). Let it also be known that Vegemite is available in 99% of Australian shops that stock spreads. I.e., if the shop has jam, honey or peanut butter, then it almost certainly has Vegemite as well. VOMIT-STALACTITE: AKA Stalactovomite: the result of puking on the ceiling. YEAST: ...Is not that interesting in itself. But vaginal yeast infections are a riot. The infection occurs when the usual healthy balance between the yeast and the bacteria in the vagina disappears. Taking antibiotics can alter this balance. The treatment is to gulp down Lactobacillus acidophillus (yogurt culture) and shove it up your cunt. The idea of 'tank war' (a fine stripper act) might have started when a group of yeast-infected women could think of nothing better than to walk like crabs, and using their vaginal muscles, shoot the yogurt at each other. A man too can get yeast infections on the counterproductive organ, especially if he has a good sized foreskin. Yeast infections love these nobby hide-outs. It's warm, it's moist, and there's a lot of smegma to thrive on. Yeast infections usually shows up after some days of hefty wanking and dubious hygiene as a reddish-radish. If you're not a spoil sport and start washing the glans with hospital soap, you can watch as the rash turns into little red sores that'll itch more and more. Before good soap was invented the cure was to hold the foreskin closed when pissing until it was bloated with piss as a frog's airbag is bloated with air, then let fly all over yourself and the toilet. Stuff in the urine should then clean out the yeast. Male yeast infections: For the biggest effect do the Macbeth routine and wash your nob hysterically so it's gets completely dried out and itchy for some time, until the body responds and produces vast amounts of smegma to get the balance right again. This is good, but if you relentlessly roll the foreskin back and forth while you fondle the back of your testicles with your left hand, some sticky stuff will suddenly come out. Smear this on the sore covered nob, and repeat until all skin has been peeled off the radish. --QUALITY CONTROL DIVISION-- --ALT TASTELESS INDUSTRIES-- --2004--