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The FAQ (part 5 of 6)
Section - C1 Definition Of 'Kiwi'

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Top Document: The FAQ (part 5 of 6)
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See reader questions & answers on this topic! - Help others by sharing your knowledge
For a 'definitive' definition of what a 'kiwi' is (and isn't), here is
pete@bignode's contribution.  Americans take particular note... :-)

"The kiwi is a rare flightless (& very much protected) bird native to New
Zealand, and is a symbol of NZ in much the same way that the bald eagle is
a symbol of the US.  "Kiwi" is also a (generally affectionate) informal
term for a New Zealander.  The pulpy green fruit with the brown skin that
Americans call "kiwi" is known everywhere else in the world as "kiwifruit",
and not all NZers realise that Americans don't know the correct name for

"If you tell a New Zealander that you ate a *kiwi*, you are unlikely to be
accused of cannibalism, but if the NZer doesn't realise that you mean a
*kiwifruit*, you will probably shock & offend them (what would your
reaction be if I told you that I ate a bald eagle?).  If they *do* realise
that you mean a *kiwifruit*, they will probably just be annoyed.  If you
can't understand why they should be annoyed, think of something that
America introduced to the world & imagine your reaction if we insisted on
ignoring the name that you gave it, & called it "bald eagle" or "stars and
stripes" instead."


C1.1  'Real Kiwi' Test

From: Dave Matoe
Subject: Are you are *real* kiwi test

The following test was written for a Waitangi Day party we threw a few
years back.  We were amused by the apparent lack of awareness for NZ
holidays (despite being listed in the Gary Larson Calenders) so we set out
to educate our mates on Kiwi trivia.  The questions are by no means
definitive and loads of juicy in-jokes have been missed out (the Goodnight
Kiwi for instance - the jokes no fun if you've never seen the thing...
should be in bed anyways :-) There is a slight ethnic tinge to the
questions, but as a Maori I like to take the piss out of myself more than
anything else so no flames please.

Incidently, the answers were rated (by a somewhat dodgey set of standards,
but its my questionnaire so tuff if you disagree :-) and scored.  I have
included these results in brackets.  At the end is a total sheet to see if
you passed or not.

I've also included some additional questions gleaned from notes from this

1. How many Islands are there in N.Z.? (Warning! don't confuse this with
   "Islanders" cos that answers "bloody heaps of em mate")
a) 1 [2]
b) 2 [3]
c) 3 [4]
4) Isn't it part of Australia? [1]

2. What is a Pakeha?
a) The Maori word for Parka - as in "Shit! its raining and I've left my
   Pakeha at home" [1]
b) A foreigner [4]
c) The maori word for Pakistani's [1]
d) A crested white dove, symbolising international peace and harmony lying
   on a plate with a lovely cheese sauce [1]

3. What is the colloquial term for people of NZ origin?
a) Bloody foreigners [1]
b) Bloody non-tax paying foreigners [1]
c) Kiwi's [4]
d) Fat bastards [-1 (insults do you no favours)]

4. What is NZ's national symbol?
a) A fernleaf [4]
c) Oi, what happened to B [1]
b) Ahh, there it is [1]
d) An odd fat bird that can't fly [3]
e) 'DB!' [1]

5. What is a Hori?
a) A short way of saying horrible - as in "Man, that bloke is a bit of a
   hori" [1]
b) The term used when you're only half horizontal [1]
c) Slang for 'a cuzzy bro' [4]
d) A fascist statement imposed on a minority group with the sole intent of
   destablising their cultural position in a tumultuous ethinic climate,
   with the hope of doing something or other that might be construed as
   brilliant because it has words in it people can't understand (like wheel
   barrow and vegemite.  Multi-syllable words always were a killer) but its
   underlying theme it to highlight what a gullible person you, the reader,
   are [2]

6. What is a Honki?
a) Something you blow your nose into [1]
b) The subject of the verb 'to honk' [3]
c) A very pale maori [4]
d) The noise a goose being strangled makes [1]

7. What is a coconut?
a) A small hard furry nut [2]
b) A large furry nutcase  [2]
c) Something sprinkled over a lamington [2]
d) All of the above [4]

8. Where can the largest concentration of kiwis be found?
a) Sydney [1]
b) Auckland [4]
c) Any boat from Hong Kong or Rarotonga [3]
d) The Gluepot tavern on a Saturday night [2]

9. What city is the Capital of NZ?
a) Wellington [4]
b) Auckland [2]
c) Canberra [1]
d) One teaspoon of flour and 1 egg, mix together and bake for 5 minutes

10. What export generates the *worse* money for NZ?
a) Sheep [1]
b) Quality home grown TV like Shortland St, Close To Home, Spot-on or
   Pukimanu [3]
c) Dairy products [2]
d) Nudey pictures of Selwyn Toogood [4]

11. Who sings "I'm a little fire engine"?
a) Fluke [1]
b) Flake [1]
c) Flock [1]
d) Flick [4]

12. What would have happened if you "just got your beans"?
a) You would have a butt full of fart gas [2]
b) You would have just got a beating [4]
c) You just did the wild thing with a choice sheila [3]
d) Your cell mate 'hemi' wanted to play mummies and daddies and mummy split
   your butt with her dick [2]

13. What does 'choice' mean?
a) Excellent [4]
b) Several options available to an individual [3]
c) Short word for N.Z tea made by Choysa [1]
d) Whats left when all thats left in the box of xmas chocs is the revolting
    marzipan ones which nobody likes. [1]

14. What is DB?
a) Two letters from the alphabet [-1 (No one likes a smart ass)]
b) Sweet Nectar from the Gods [4]
c) David Bowies initials [2]
d) Chemical unit for Puhaa and Pork Bones [1]

15. From what TV program does Manu come from?
a) Close To Home (The alchy school teacher) [1]
b) Shortland Street (A hit and run victim under the sheet) [1]
c) Play School (The polynesian doll) [4]
d) Romper Room (The lady who sang 'bounce bounce bounce a ball') [2]

16. What is a tiki?
a) A tacky green plastic ornament worn by anybody NOT from NZ [3]
b) A green Maori symbol with his tongue pointing out [4]
c) Something you get from your mentally imbalanced auntie cos she wants you
   to get back in touch with your cultural roots [2]
d) The boat made famous by a Norwegian call CON [2]

17. What are Jandals?
a) A female blues trio from Aranui [1]
b) Something you wear on your feet [4]
c) Stink plastic rugby boots you had to wear when you were 5 [3]
d) A kiwi name given to something a bit poofy. i.e. "By jingo's that
   Invercargill forward pack are a pack of Jandals" [1]

18. What would you do if you had a Weta on your arm?
a) Remark how it complements your floral shirt [1]
b) Scream and yell 'getthefuckingthingoffame!!' [4]
c) Pay a visit to the local STD clinic [1]
d) Tell your little brother to stop pissing around or you'll punch his
    lights out. [3]

19. What are Judder bars?
a) A pub for Judders [1]
b) A chocolate bar [1]
c) Humps on the road, designed to slow you down and destroy the
   undercarriage of your car [4]
d) Things that wake you up when you're driving home from the pub pissed [3]

20. What is a huhu and what would you do with it?
a) A grub, you would eat it [4]
b) A grub, you can't eat it [3]
c) Something your little sister did in her undies five years ago and you've
   taunted her about it ever since [1]
d) Something that tastes like the thing your sister did in her undies five
   years ago [1]

21. What does L&P stand for?
a) Limp and Putrid [1]
b) Lemon and Paeroa [4]
c) Large and Penetrating [1]
d) Little and Pathetic [1]

22. What is the kiwi word for food?
a) Macdonalds [2]
b) Kai [4]
c) Tahky ah ways [2]
d) Kay Eff See [2]

23. What is a Feijoa?
a) A second generation Fijian immigrant [1]
b) A small sail on the front of a yacht [2]
c) A luvely piece of fruit [4]
d) The kiwi word for laxative [1]

24. What do you wear with your Bata Bullets?
a) Cap, shirt [4]
b) Socks [3]
c) The luvley taffita outfit that matches your eyes [1]
d) Stubbies [1]

25. What is the correct kiwi phrase?
a) Rellies [4]
b) Relatives [3]
c) Rello's [2]
d) Bloody in-laws [1]

26. Which newsgroup do frequent most often?
a) [2]
b) [2]
c) [2]
d) [2]
e) [4]

27. Who was the drummer in Grunt Machine?
a) Ray Columbus [1]
b) Max Cryer [1]
c) Tenika Buschkeyae [3]
d) Bruno Lawrence [4]

28. What was Channels two's first name?
a) South Pacific Television [4]
b) Channel 2 [1]
c) NZBC - 2 [1]
d) The black and White minstrel show [1]

29. Which kiwi song has the highest gross sales overseas?
a) 'Everything is beautiful' by Ernie Lennard and Glynn Tucker [1]
b) 'The love bug' by unknown [1]
c) 'Tequila sunrise' by Annie Whittle [1]
d) 'Take the money and run' by Bunny Walters [1]
e) '1905' by Shona Lang [1]
f) ' Lets join together' by Ray something or other [1]
g) Any song by Craig Scott [3]
h) 'How Bizzarre' by OMC [4]
i) 'Rust on my car' Citizen band [3]

30. What was Fred Daggs flea entrant called?
a) Trev [1]
b) Murry [1]
c) Wayne [1]
d) Daggy boy [4]

The scores 0 - 48
Man did you dip out or what!  What a complete saddo you turned out to be.
The Dept of kiwi immigration had hopes for you, but you failed us so
dsimally that it pains us to even speak to you.  We no more want you to be
a kiwi than the queen wants you as a sex slave.  You have obviusly never
been to NZ, talked to someone from NZ or even contemplated the gloriousness
that it is to be a New Zealander.  You are about as popular as a hunchback
with a burst hump.  It is the findings of this department that unless you
have brought to the party a sister worth shagging, a beer worth drinking,
or some shit worth smoking then its adios amoeba!!

48 - 78
Close.  Very close.  But sadly not close enough.  You have reached what is
techmically known in the trade as a 'bloody stink' level of kiwism.  You
can proudly say that you know a little of the greatness it is to be a
"omnimpotentlysuccessfulandincrediblymodestkiwi" which is truly a wonderous
feat.  Should you wish to continue on your path to enlightenment, the dept
of kiwi immigration strongly suggests you read one of the following

Aotearoa      'Rugged individual'
New Zealand 'Shit we're good'
The kiwi       'Greatness and modesty personified'

Coincidently, these books are available from member of the dept of kiwism
for a very reasonable price.

78 - 120


You have reached the highest standards known to man (and woman, lets not
get sexist here) The Dept of kiwi immigration has but one word to say to
you:  CHOICE BRO (ok, technically two words but I never could count) You
have achieved the cuzzie bro level of kiwism.  Billy T himself would
proclaim you a 'Fella'.  Barry Crump (god rest his swanny) would proclaim
you a 'real top bloke' and Karen Haye would try and score some drugs off
you.  Well done mate!!

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