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Archive-name: alt-sex/alt-sex-wanted-faq
Posting-Frequency: semi-irregularly
Last-modified: 01 June 1996

In article <nvrhppend.thkghod@NOWHERE.BITNET>,
Clueless Newbie <BOZO@NOWHERE.BITNET> wrote:
>	Hey, D00DZ! I just stumbled onto this group for... uh... Is this
>for real? What's with all of the FAGZ, though? Don't they know God says
>that's a sin??? And what's with all of the people posting from outside
>of Ittybitty, Kansas? I only saw one post from a girl saying she was
>desperate to get laid, but I didn't know how to respond. I posted an ad
>saying I wuz horny six times, but I haven't heard anything yet, except
>a followup telling me to read the FAQ. Where are the W0M3N? There don't
>seem to be any! What do they want? I WANNA G3T LAID!! My spouse is a
>dud, and I need some action; call me at 555-BOZO.
>						B1FF
>PS: What's a FAQ? And what's an ObSexWanted?

	Well, actually, they didn't, but close enough has been seen.
This is the <> FAQ, which will deal with our above clueless
(if hypothetical) post point by point, hopefully in an entertaining


>	Hey, D00DZ! I just stumbled onto this group

A:	Welcome aboard. If you don't approve of what's posted here,
smile, unsubscribe, and be glad that this group keeps it out of the rest
of the net. If you leave, don't bother flaming, whether about the fact
that there are lots of randy people trying desperately (perhaps
hopelessly) to hook up, about the morality of sex or any of the variants
requested, about there being no chance; don't bother making ignorant
allegations about the folks who read or post to the group, suggesting
the use of a manual alternative, et cetera.... We are all aware,
unlikely to be swayed by the likes of you, and have heard it before. And
the last guy was more eloquent. Please go over to <> or <alt.flame>
for such, as they have a staff skilled at flaming y'all out of orbit.

>for... uh...

A:	The <> group was created to get the requests for
erotic stories out of <> (at which it has failed). It
*does* serve to get the "I WANNA G3T LAID, D00D3TT3Z!" posts off of most
the rest of the net, and thus justifies its existence. While such posts
are neither uncommon or untolerated on <> itself, they are probably
better placed here, as they are not particularly wanted there.
	In short, <> is for requesting explicit GIF sites,
literary erotica, exchanges of erotic e-mail, and yes, trying to set up
physical carnal encounters. This doesn't mean you *will* actually get
what you want, just that you can try; it also does not mean that you
won't get something you *don't* want, like harassing phone calls, wrong
gender responses, or an STD. Life does not come with assurances.
	It is not the place for *posting* images, literary erotica,
explicit GIF sites, et cetera. If you're posting something anywhere near
the length of this FAQ, you probably shouldn't be.

	PARTICULAR EXAMPLE: This is not a *.binaries.* group. As such,
PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE POSTING BINARIES. If you want to include a picture
that you have digitized, edited so that it bears no semblance to the
truth, and suitably encoded, DON'T. Post it in a *.binaries.* group
(such as <>), and include a reference to it
in your post here in <>.

	You also should be careful about posting your opinions about
other people's ads; your biases, such as towards heterosexuality or
non-married individuals, may only be *your* biases. Morality is not
the essential issue, here.
	It also has been used for some time to post ads for erotic
BBS's, Party Lines, et cetera, since there really wasn't any place else
more appropriate. There is a newsgroup (<>)
specifically for such ads. If you want to advertise, please do it on
that group. (Ask your system administrator to please carry a.s.e.m!)
	Recently, <> was created, presumably for
those who want to set up something involving either (a) a camera, or
(b) someone who often faces one. It appears to have a signal-to-noise
ratio of zero last time I checked. Your Milage May Vary.

>Is this for real?

A:	Well, some men pose as women; some women pose as men; people can
forge articles, or use accounts which have been cracked or left logged
in; people post things saying they want one thing, when actually they
have hopes for another; there's no good way to verify most of the
information posted here; some people post other people's addresses or
phone numbers for harassment purposes; and anonymous remailers make all
these potentially worse....
	Yes, it's for real. But nigh everything should be taken slowly
and with caution, or you can get hurt. (Good advice in general for sex.)

>What's with all of the FAGS, though? Don't they know God says that's a

A:	Ah, the number three flame war on the net.
	Ahem: "What's with all of the silly breeder boys posting drivel
when they haven't a bat's chance in hell?" Does that help your
perspective? Not everyone out there is hetero, especially on the net.
Please leave the homosexuality flame war over in <>, too, along
with the others.
	As a related side issue, saying what gender and what your sexual
orientation are will keep you and other people from being annoyed by
time wasting confused e-mail. If you don't say what *you* are, as well
as what/who you are looking for, how will you connect? The usual
convention has a set of acronyms: ISO for "In Search Of", SWM for
"Straight White Male", GBF for "Gay Black Female", BiAF for "Bisexual
Asian Female", and so forth. (Usually on <> the "S" at the
beginning stands for Straight, and not for Single, although this isn't
a hard and fast rule.)

>And what's with all the people posting from outside of Ittybitty,

A:	The net is international in scope, not a local BBS. People post
to this from all over, not just in your area. This means you may get to
hear from people from further than you're willing to travel. (Where did
you hear sex was easy?)

>I only saw one post from a girl saying she was desperate to get laid

A:	Such is *probably* (but not certainly) a fake. News articles are
occasionally forged; passwords are stolen, or foolishly shared; people
forget to log out. A fair number of the ads posted are fakes; perhaps
not especially from females, but they seem to be subject to the most,
err... enthusiastic misguided responses. If it seems too good to be
true, remember it might not be true. Be polite at first, and make sure
it's real.
	ESPECIALLY, do not believe anyone who gives an e-mail address
other than the one in the header. Anyone who says "please send e-mail to
my friend" is almost certainly NOT a friend of that
person. For that matter, don't believe "I'm using a friend's account,
but please respond to mine at" too readily, either.
	Ladies and wenches, do not be surprised if doubts are expressed
when you first post. It will pass soon, if you persist.
	And to people who think such jokes are funny, Hint: they aren't.

>but I didn't know how to respond.

A:	Ask John Holowka <> or those who help run
your site for help in using your system. Please note the difference
between sending e-mail and posting a news article: E-mail gets sent to
one person; news articles get seen by everyone on the group.
	If your system (for some reason) forbids you to post to
a newsgroup, e-mail to news gateways exist. For more information, see
the FAQ articles on Banned Groups and Access Via E-Mail-- findable by ftp:
....or in news.answers, where the sum of all Usenet wisdom is now firmly...

Uses of posting a news article:
	*	If you are not sure whether your news system is working,
		then go over to the <alt.test> and <misc.test> newsgroups to
		see if it is working. NOT to <>, please.
	*	If you want to send out a general ad for yourself, then
		post a news article.
	*	If you would like to tell people that the author of
		another post is in fact a real, live, breathing (human
		being/AI, choose one) that you have met in the flesh,
		then send a followup.
	*	If you would like to call someone an idiot, leave it to
		those who have been around for a long time and have
		gotten skilled at it.
	*	****NOT**** if you want to send an interested response
		to someone else's posted ad. This is what e-mail is for.

Uses of sending e-mail:
	*	If you want to respond to the person who sent something,
		use e-mail.
	*	If you don't like this FAQ (or if you do, or if you have
		suggestions), send me <> e-mail.
	*	If you generally want to complain (such as about the
		homosexuals on the group), you can also e-mail me
		<> about that, and I will be happy to
		discuss it or flame you as I see fit. Once Ed Ming
		<> used to, but he hasn't posted
		to <> since October 1994 or so. Feel free to
		try him, but I don't think he's still responding. Also
		e-mail me if you want the job of responding to such

>I posted an ad saying I wuz horny six times,

A:	If you don't get a response from an ad, you might want to change
your approach, or at least alter the wording. Of course, if the response
is "RTFFAQ!" then you might want to change much more than the wording
anyway. Similarly, imagination in a reply may well be more likely to get
a response.
	Please remember, most people like to have a little imagination
in their sex partners. And posting the exact same thing over, and over,
and over, and... does not usually show much imagination. (IMHO)

>but I haven't heard anything yet,

A:	Some things, like good food and good foreplay, take time. This
forum is one of them. Rome wasn't built in a day, the stork has a nine
month shipping delay, and all that rot. Depending on what you're looking
for, response time varies from hours (if you want, say, a copy of a
Purity Test), to until-hell-freezes-over-thaws-and-refreezes (if you
want, say, Cindy Crawford herself).

>except a followup telling me to read the FAQ.

A:	A good idea, even if it was probably me that told you to. While
you're at it (if you haven't done so yet), check out the regular postings
on <news.announce.newusers> and maybe the <> FAQ as well. You don't
need to read everything posted in <news.answers> (where almost *all* FAQs,
including this one, get cross-posted), but it might give you something
to do while waiting for Godot, Judgment Day, and a favorable response to
the sample ad from B1FF, here.

>Where are the W0M3N? There don't seem to be any!

A:	Well, there are. Some even post somewhat regularly. Some just
lurk. In about the two weeks before I first made this, my very
non-random sample noticed about a dozen or so posting. They mainly seem
scarce because there are so many guys. This reflects the net. (The
median estimate is around 1 in 6 a.s.w readers is female; "your mileage
may vary".) But hell gets chilly now and then, because I have seen an
ad from a horny knockout model, whose description was verified by two
other people. YES, IT HAPPENS.
	Also, when *any* female shows up, clueless folks tend to e-mail
"wannafuck" messages no matter *what* she has said. This means many of
them don't post, only listen. The law of supply and demand is on their
side; they don't have to step forward publicly.
	Get a clue: don't e-mail "wannafuck" messages to everything
female that posts. You'll give the group a bad rep, and it *WON'T WORK*.

>What do they want?

A:	Reasons heard, as to why women are here:

	*!*	Because someone faked a post from their account.

	 *	For laughs ("funnier than <rec.humor.funny>").
	 *	To see what people are looking for-- an interest in
		sociology, so to speak.
	 *	Completeness-- if you read all of the other <*>
		groups, you might as well read this, too.
	 *	For the amusing personalities of the regular posters.
	 *	For assorted bizarre demented reasons best discussed
		with their psychiatrist
	 *	On RARE Occasions... because they actually are looking
		for that someone interesting.


A:	OH! You want to actually know how to get *laid* here? Good
question. To be blunt: if you are male, and straight, looking for a
physical encounter, and not looking for a 3rd party with your present
SO, then you *probably* won't. But there is a finite chance; it *has*
from about six or so, plus I've gotten an SSOO myself.
	People actually do respond to some of these ads... emphasis on
*SOME*. The abundance of straight male horny geeks means that those
looking for a SMHG can pick and choose. A certain amount of style,
class, wit, honesty, and romance demonstrated in posting (not to mention
having a life[TM]) is almost certainly helpful for this sort of thing.
Crudeness and a four-letter-word vocabulary is not certainly helpful.
Not to mention vast quantities of patience. I've been posting off-and-on
since Fall 1990. I found an interested and shapely Sweet Young Thing[TM]
about Fall 1995 as a result of my postings. (Which is part of the reason
the FAQ started being damned irregular in timing about then....)
	In addition, you may or may not be better off trying the bar
scene, a 900 number, or other method, but that's a matter of personal
taste, personal style, dubious opinion, and whether or not you're
located in, say, Alaska. As a comparison, I found two other girls by
other means during the above-mentioned five year period. I leave the
math to you (since Insatiable is grabbing at me again....)

	This, by the way, doesn't mean that if you are female, gay, are
looking for something other than a physical encounter, and/or are
looking for a third, you *will* find what you are looking for. Life
doesn't come with assurances.

>My spouse is a dud, and I need some action; call me at 555-BOZO.

A:	First off, remember that there are hundreds of thousands of
people out there on this group. Someone may know who you are. Posting
your phone number with such candid opinions may be hazardous to your
marriage. Or even posting anything at all. Sex is a sport with hazards.
(On the other hand, it's *your* marriage to fuck up....)
	Second, this is a planet-wide group. Include an area code if you
do choose to be foolish and post your phone number.
	Third, if you want to use an anonymous remailer for anonymity,
do not include your *real* e-mail or snail-mail address... this defeats
the point of the server. Use your anonymous e-mail address, which should
appear automagically in the header, or a snail-mail drop. It also helps
if you read the instructions from the remailer....
	Fourth, I trust no name, e-mail address, phone number, gender, or
whatnot posted anonymously, and am cautious of those e-mailed to me. I
commend this paranoia to you. Caution is advised in cyberspace, as people
nned not tell who or what they really are...  and some people have poor
taste in jokes.


	From the Jargon File, version 3.3.1:

:B1FF: /bif/ [Usenet] (alt. `BIFF') n.  The most famous
   {pseudo}, and the prototypical {newbie}.  Articles from B1FF
   feature by all uppercase letters sprinkled liberally with bangs,
   typos, `cute' misspellings (EVRY BUDY LUVS GOOD OLD BIFF CUZ
   LIKE THIS!!!), use (and often misuse) of fragments of {talk mode}
   abbreviations, a long {sig block} (sometimes even a {doubled
   sig}), and unbounded naivete.  B1FF posts articles using his
   elder brother's VIC-20.  B1FF's location is a mystery, as his
   articles appear to come from a variety of sites.  However,
   {BITNET} seems to be the most frequent origin.  The theory that
   B1FF is a denizen of BITNET is supported by B1FF's (unfortunately
   invalid) electronic mail address: B1FF@BIT.NET.

	(The rest of the jargon file is a vaguely amusing read, and
can be gotten from <<mumble>> or
something like that.)
	Here, B1FF was used not merely as the prototypical newbie,
but the ARCHETYPICAL newbie. Fortunately, he is not real. Unfortunately,
every form of stupidity I've dealt with in this FAQ is *not* just
hypothetical. The problems were all taken from actual posts, and
made into a composite. I decided against the all-caps style and the
bad spellings (mostly) to improve readability.
	For the record, B1FF is *not* a cool dude, and you *don't*
want to emulate him. Case in point: it is generally agreed that while
B1FF has an excellent collection of X-rated pictures, he has not yet
gotten and will never get laid.

>PS: What's a FAQ?

A:	A FAQ is a "Frequently Asked Questions" list, usually posted on
something resembling a regular basis, and also usually posted with
answers to said questions. I made this one up when I saw the need, and
a vast number of cluefully challenged posts and posters.
	At the time, I was, or simply to a computer mailer. I am the same person, BUT THESE
ADDRESSES ARE NO LONGER VALID!!! Mail to these may still reach me, or
may not. I am now reachable as <>, until I find a service
as cheap, at similar quality, and with a local access number in
	I will take the chance to note now, this is crossposted to
news.answers, which is periodically turned into CD-ROM. Since the
question has been raised elsewhere, yes, this is still [Copyright 1996 by
Arthur B. Byrne] for all that's worth; if you want to reprint it a
magazine, on CD-ROM, or whatnot, please contact me-- a copy of the
whatnot is a nice token reprint fee.
	Comments and suggestions for additions can go to me. Flames,
even. However, I won't help you read this or any other newsgroup if you
can't already, find FTP sites for anything other than the purity tests
(try, or assist you in getting much of anything
*else* discussed here. (EG, laid. I've mainly been here for the laugh
value all along, and while I'm flattered, I don't particularly want
to get "wannafucks" right now. I've already got one nymphomaniac, thank

>And what's an ObSexWanted?

A:	Something that some folks throw in at the close of a post when
what they just posted would otherwise have nothing to do with the topic
of wanting sex; sometimes serious, sometimes not. The "Ob" is short for
"obligatory". Mine tend to be on the less than serious side.
	As an example....

	ObSexWanted: Male with Sloe Gin and Vodka seeks Female with
Orange Juice and Southern Comfort; object: slow, comfortable screw.


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