The Mad Hatter Fan Club FAQ You Nimrod
Newsgroups: alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk Subject: The Mad Hatter Fan Club FAQ You Nimrod From: madhatfan@home.com (the_mighty_balloo) Message-ID: <8F2EBD7EBoolleqhtybiw@24.2.10.79> User-Agent: Xnews/03.01.23 X-Mad-Hatter-Matrix: 15x1 X-Wee-Saul-Disciple: 10 X-Smeeter: but of course X-Awarded: Order of the Greasy Sombrero X-Accepted: Yes, please. Thank you very much. X-Dainty-Ursine-Of-Delight: Jelliebun's X-Archive: until the sun grows cold and dim. Date: Tue, 09 May 2000 00:59:07 GMT The next positions on the matrix will be in the 26x? numeric range. The URL for the online Mad Hatter Fan Club Entrance Examination is hosted by our own cb cool, and is quite often found at: http://www.open.org/cboatlor/exam.htm http://www.flonk.org/exam.htm Since the last posting of the FAQ, cbcool (mhm16x9) died of MS. She is now replying to her e-mail on a schedule much like that of the Mad Hatter Himself. Dave Hillstrom (mhm15x4) is the administrator of flonk.org, and is currently living out of the back of his pickup truck in Florida trying to get the Canadian government to allow him semi-permanent residential status so that he can continue smepping our darling Puck (mhm9x9). Both of their web sites send the completed online examination forms to an e-mail account that was closed Saturday May 6th, 2000. I have sent them both e-mail asking them to change their web pages. Who will respond first is anybodies guess. The exam has been posted in alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk with instructions to send completed forms to the new administrative address for the fan club; madhatfan@home.com This document contains the earliest known occurances of the MHFC FAQ, painted in sepia, burnt umber and charcoal upon the rock walls of a cave in the Loire Valley of, um, Illinois. The most _recent_ portion of the FAQ is not, in fact, a FREQUENTLY asked questions list, but rather a RECENTLY asked quesitons list, and was maintained by Brad himself at http://mh.ph.nu/faq.html. There was one of them cgi perl html interactive java things for you to submit your own questions to The Hatter, and in keeping with fan club policy it was never updated during its brief existance. The nu domain has since bitten the dust. The Fantastic Life and Suicide of Mister Mary Holliday can no longer be found online. Im trying to get Brad to give me a copy that I may host, but serious arm twisting will need to be done on this. At the very least I have been able to host the original archive of canonical Mad Hatter usenet articles. http://members.home.com/thatdarnbear/mh/index.html Any and all questions may be sent to madhatfan@home.com And may Ghodd bless. Original List of Newsgroups to Which FAQ Was Excessively Cross Posted on April Eighth, 1998, during The Cabal (There Is No Cabal)'s 3rd Party Cancel Moritorium: alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk, alt.alien.wanderers,alt.fan.karl-malden.nose, alt.evil,alt.flame,alt.butt.harp, alt.horror.werewolves, alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die, alt.barney.sponge-minions.die.die.die, alt.control,alt.cosuard, alt.binaries.multimedia.flonk, alt.conspiracy.retards,alt.fan.jewel, alt.genius.bill-palmer, alt.sex.masturbation.bill-palmer, alt.usenet.kooks,alt.groppi, alt.gamera.is.friend.to.all.children, alt.cuddle,alt.music.tuba, news.admin.net-abuse.usenet, rec.arts.disney.parks,rec.pets.cats, rec.music.beatles,soc.culture.british, misc.writing,rec.arts.prose,rec.arts.poems, alt.music.nirvana,alt.music.pearl-jam, alt.music.the-doors, alt.sports.football.support.gay, alt.best.of.internet,alt.fan.jello-biafra, alt.etext,alt.guitar.tab,alt.sex.fetish.yams, alt.sex.motss,alt.sex.plushies,alt.config, rec.music.makers.songwriting, alt.goth,soc.history.wars.misc,talk.bizarre ----------------------------------------[1-19-95] t h e m a d h a t t e r f a n c l u b f r e q u e n t l y a s k e d q u e s t i o n s f i l e _________________________________________________ 1.0) QUESTIONS ABOUT THE MAD HATTER FAN CLUB... 1. ``When Was The Mad Hatter Fan Club Created?'' It began as soon as Mad Hatter was born; however, the Mad Hatter Fan Club arrived on the net on August 28th, 1994. It's been a non-stop fest of sanity since then. 2. ``What's The Purpose Of The Mad Hatter Fan Club?'' To methodically destroy all purposes in the WORLD! 3. ``Is The Mad Hatter Fan Club Just A Blatant Attempt For Attention And Ego Inflation?'' Er, no! Whatever would give you such an idea? 4. ``Where Can I Find The Mad Hatter Fan Club?'' The dramatic answer to this question is 'they'll find YOU.' Members appear to be everywhere but currently the official home is alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk and occasionally the popular alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die newsgroup. Frequently members seem to take over other newsgroups in the name of the Mad Hatter Fan Club and though we don't officially endorse this practice we also can't say that it doesn't make us smile. 5. ``Why Should I Join The Mad Hatter Fan Club?'' What the hell else have you got to do? 6. ``What Is alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk For?'' Nobody's really quite sure. The Mad Hatter Fan Club stays there, bothering its neighbours and frequently other parts of the alphabet as well. 7. ``What The HELL Is A Flonk?'' There are a number of theories. Don't listen to Dan Cross. In fact, don't listen to anyone but Mad Hatter. It makes life much easier (and fun!) for everyone. The most popular theory involves a spatula, the future and some bits that are too embarrassing to repeat. It's still up for interpretation. Email your ideas to ad423@FreeNet.Carleton.CA. A list is being compiled. 8. ``What Is An MHM?'' An MHM is A Mad Hatter Matrix which is the fun and spiffy number you can get from Mad Hatter himself. It's your verified membership into the Fan Club and may be proudly displayed on your clothing, car or .sig file to protect you from being slaughtered when the revolution comes. 9. ``Ooh! How Do I Get One?'' There was a silly little dance invented to get one, but it was then realized that without the proper expensive equipment it would be too difficult to actually watch so instead there's a Mad Hatter Fan Club Entrance Exam which is posted every now and then to alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk and can as always be found on the World Wide Web page. (ed. note: Low F on a BBb tuba. The current location of the Mad Hatter Fan Club Entrance Examination is http://www.open.org/cboatlor/exam.htm ) Mad Hatter is still willing to view any dance videos sent by prospective members. 10. ``What's The Mad Hatter Drinking Game?'' Start drinking when you turn on your television and don't stop until you're so blurry and senseless you can't turn it off. (note: creates a dangerous paradox. be careful!) 11. ``What's The Mad Hatter Illegal Narcotic Game?'' Illegal. Shhh. 12. ``How Many Members Are In The Mad Hatter Fan Club?'' More than you would expect and less than the entire world. 13. ``Where Can I Learn More About The Mad Hatter Fan Club?'' Mad Hatter randomly reposts various bits of information to alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk with no pattern or regard for convenience but the best source of information by far is the Mad Hatter World Wide Web page at http://www.magi.com/~gray/mh.html. 14. ``Help! The Mad Hatter Fan Club Is Bothering Me! How Do I Make It Go Away?'' Unfortunately we can't reveal that secret because if we did everyone would be able to make us go away and that would be no fun at all! But here's a hint: saying 'your wierd' in response to everything posted by the members probably won't do it. 15. ``Why Does The Mad Hatter Fan Club Bother The Jihad Against Barney?'' Because they're idiots. And they threatened Mad Hatter's life and we have vague recollections of them mocking his integrity. Truly, truly criminal. 16. ``Why Don't You All Get A Life?'' Because lives are baaaaaaaad. Make a sheep joke. I dare you. 17. ``Did The Mad Hatter Fan Club Just Herd Sheep Through My Kitchen?'' No. All members of The Mad Hatter Fan Club are equipped with an innate and peculiar fear of sheep which was designed to protect them in the event of battle with any sheep wielding enemies. They may have been antelopes. 18. ``I'm Planning To Capture The Entire Mad Hatter Fan Club. What Size Of A Box Do I Need?'' Go away, Gargamel. We're bigger and meaner than the Smurfs and not afraid to hurt cats. We're also less blue although not much. 19. ``Are There Any Mad Hatter Fan Club Add-Ons For DOOM?'' Only one. It replaces your gun with a wiffle-bat and fills the screen with a very serious font that says, "You're Playing DOOM. Why?" 20. ``Is It True That The Mad Hatter Fan Club Employs Scare Tactics To Bring In New Members?'' No. Well, okay.. just a little. _____________________________________________ 2.0) SPECIFIC QUESTIONS ABOUT MAD HATTER... 1. ``Who Is This Mad Hatter Guy The Kids Are All Talking About?'' (from the original Mad Hatter Fan Club FAQ.) Mad Hatter is part teen idol, part God, part cartoon character, part dark-and-evil-thing-which-gropes-at- your-throat-in-the-middle-of-the-night and sometimes part Salad Shooter(tm). Mad Hatter's alter ego is Brad Turcotte and through this clever identity he performs various works of evil and terror though not necessarily in that order. He also reads and posts to Usenet through it. His alter ego lives in a small town named Kemptville which is just outside of another small town which happens to be named Ottawa and also happened to become the Capital of Canada somehow. The only speculation put forth about how this happened involves Martians and is actually very embarrassing to all Canadians everywhere. Handy that they're always too drunk to be embarrassed. At age seventeen, his fifty-third (recallable) life seems to be off to a rollicking start and appears to be gaining momentum with every pathetic and hopeless year. Mad Hatter spends the majority of his time working on his public image and flossing rigorously. At night he likes to go for long walks and/or get roaring drunk until he gets picked up by the police or falls asleep somewhere extremely dangerous. Nobody knows exactly why he does this but we assume he has his reasons. All in all, Mad Hatter is one of the most amazing, wonderful, graceful, majestic, powerful and overall fascinating human beings of this century and several before. And he rarely falls down entire flights of stairs. Mad Hatter works in strange and questionable ways, but we are convinced that if not an actual deity he is at least entertaining and of course, as they say in Spanish; "muchos sexuale." 2. ``Hey, Isn't He Just Ripping Off [various net.deity or wannabe]?'' Yes and he apologizes for stealing the entire concept of being a powermongering asshole from whoever it was that came up with it. Learn to cope: it helps. 3. ``Is He The Mad Hatter That--'' No. 4. ``You Don't Even Know What I Was Going To Ask!'' Don't care. 5. ``Cult Of The--'' No. 6. ``What Does MH Stand For?'' Mister Happy. What do you think? 7. ``How Old Is He And When Is His Birthday?'' Mad Hatter was born on November 14th, 1976 and is now, due to modern mathematics, twenty-one. 8. "Where Does He Keep His Ego?'' In his.. MAGIC BAG! 9. ``Is It True That Mad Hatter Is Cooler Than Me?'' Sadly, yes. Sorry. 10. ``Are There Any Mad Hatter Smileys?'' No, but let's make some up: =|:B - Mad Hatter with his radiant smile and immense scary beaver teeth. =|;> - Devious Mad Hatter after being stabbed in the right eye. =|::::: - Mad Hatter with his ten-eyed mask on which he uses to scare tourists and small animals. =| - Mad Hatter in his invisibility suit. =|) - Mad Hatter rising out of a manhole (much like the Penguin in Batman Returns.) =|:8 - Mad Hatter performing his mysterious 'EIGHTY PING-PONG BALLS STUFFED IN HIS MOUTH' trick. =|B> - Mad Hatter with his Batman mask on. Bat Hatter! =|8( - Mad Hatter with his violent allergy to yams. =|:( - Frowning Mad Hatter. =|:( - Frowning Mad Hatter WITH NO TORSO! 11. ``Are The Rumours About Mad Hatter And Leona Helmsley True?'' Everything but the bit involving citrus rinds. 12. ``Can I Contact Mad Hatter Through My Ouija Board?'' Yes, but if you interrupt him during the X-Files he'll tear your throat out. 13. ``Isn't He A Pacifist?'' Yes, but a mean one. 14. ``Is It True He's Trent Reznor Reincarnated?'' Yep. 15. ``But He's Not Dead!'' No.. but soon. Soon! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 16. ``Does Anything Bother Him About Being On The Net?'' Well, the fact that there's no really decent way to do an evil laugh, the spelling of 'tuque' is really dumb and there's no online monetary system to make scamming people a bit more worthwhile. 17. ``Is Mad Hatter A Goth?'' No! He just likes black, found a really good deal on the porcelain fangs and wears the cape so he can look really cool in the event of a tornado. NOW STOP ASKING! 18. ``Has Mad Hatter Ever Been A Contestant On Jeopardy?'' Yes, and he was the first contestant to respond to every question with 'WHO CARES!' 19. ``Is Or Has Mad Hatter Ever Been On Prozac?'' No, they didn't have it in tasty chewable form. 20. ``What Newsgroups Does He Read?'' alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk - Ooh! How retro! alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die - But.. Why? misc.writing - Inventing his cool writer persona. rec.arts.prose - He's a prose kinda guy. rec.arts.poems - He's a laugh at bad poetry kinda guy. alt.music.nirvana - Nature is a Whore / Sell the Kids for Smores. alt.music.pearl-jam - Mmmmm. Purrrl Jammmm. alt.music.the-doors - Break on through! Whoo! alt.sports.football.support.gay - Needed help. Difficult to explain. alt.best.of.internet - Waits for his posts to be reposted. alt.fan.jello-biafra - Huzzah! alt.etext - No real reason behind this one. He's just loopy. alt.guitar.tab - So he can be a rockin' guitar guy. alt.sex.fetish.yams - They're so delish! How can you resist? alt.config - Meow. rec.music.makers.songwriting - Waiting for a Song Generating Program. 21. ``I Just Got This Message After Leaving Mail To Mad Hatter: Hello [name] (address)! Thank you for sending email to me, Brad Turcotte also known as the Mad Hatter at [time] on [date]! I hardly have time to reply to your fascinating and entirely worthwhile email what with my pressing social life and education so let me quickly summarize my honest and humble thoughts in reply: 1. I find each of the points you expressed in your message truly interesting and well thought out. I will consider them greatly in my travels down this dusty and well-travelled road we call life and thank you profusely for the knowledge you've given me. I hope that in the future I can find it within myself to somehow repay you. 2. Any problems you spoke of are truly devastatingly sad and I wish I had more time to give you the attention you need and deserve for leading such a tragic and unfortunate life. I wish you good luck and well-being and just remember to smile and that I care about you deeply and passionately no matter if we've not spoken or met before. True love and caring is not restricted by the bounds of actual previous human or electronic contact. Remember this and go swiftly into the night, for it shall soon be dawn, my love for you will have grown even greater and you must not see me shed tears out of longing for you. 3. While I found all of the opinions in your message diverse, well thought out and the mark of a true intellectual; I and all of the members of The Mad Hatter Fan Club do not necessarily agree or disagree with them and cannot condone or condemn a lifestyle living strictly under them. 4. I thank you for writing, and encourage you to smile. MH. -- 21. '' What Does It Mean?'' Go away. 22. ``Does He Mean It?'' More than you can possibly imagine. 23. ``What Awards Has He Won?'' He won several Most Valuable Player awards for baseball when he was younger. He won the 'Most Likely To Die Young In A Very Creative Way' award in his Grade Eight class and the 1993 'Strongest Of The Weak' award. He was also up for an Emmy but everyone suddenly realized he wasn't on TV. 24. ``What Religion Is Mad Hatter?'' Whatever's convenient at the time. Usually Mormon because he thinks it sounds funny. You mormon! Hee hee hee. 25. ``I'd Like To Give Some Things To Mad Hatter But I Can't Figure Out What.'' Effects processor. Synthesizers. Any sound equipment whatsoever. God's head on a plate, garnished with love. Music-- ask him directly what he wants. A lightsaber. One or more Super Star Destroyers. Brad "No Bombs Please" Turcotte 800 Kennedy Road Kemptville, Ontario CANADA K0G 1J0 26. ``Is Mad Hatter Homophobic?'' If the homosexual has a gun, yes. 27. ``Does Mad Hatter Like Puppies?'' For..? 28. ``What Complexes Does Mad Hatter Have?'' Surprisingly, only one. The Flippidus Complex which in a nutshell means he has this tremendous urge to kill morons. He's on medication.. usually. Morons beware. 29 ``Hey! What Are You Doing?'' Uh.. Nothing! Look over there! 30. ``What is Mad Hatter's Stand On Abortion?'' He hopes to never have one. 31. ``Capital Punishment?'' Yes, thank you! 32. ``What's Mad Hatter's Opinion On Homosexuals?'' They'd be fine if they'd only stop having sex CONSTANTLY. Every bloody minute of the day.. sex, sex, sex. My god, give it a rest and relax! Don't you people ever SLEEP? You know, PARTS ARE GOING TO START FALLING OFF IF YOU DON'T TAKE A BREAK. 33. ``What's Mad Hatter's Opinion On Homosexuals In The Army?'' The fact that homosexuals wanted into the army sort of blew his theory that they were a new, neater and altogether superior breed of men. But otherwise he thinks they have the right to blow up people just as much as everyone else. 34. ``Dammit Man! Is He CRAZY?'' ..and marketable. 35. ``Why Is He Here?'' For cake, of course. 36. ``What One Thing Would Mad Hatter Like To Clarify About Himself?'' "I am NOT Sandy Duncan." 37. ``Has Mad Hatter Written Any Books?'' Yes, but as of yet they're all unreleased. If you'd like to see them.. You can't. So give up. You're quite welcome to bother him about writing another one though, as he seems to entertain the idea dangerously often. 38. ``Why Is Mad Hatter Afraid Of The Sun?'' He's not! The sun's afraid of him. And would YOU want to scare a giant ball of flaming hydrogen that's largely responsible for the continuation of life on our planet?! Give him some credit! 39. ``What's The Secret Behind His Success?'' sugar caffeine and staying lean being mean and quite obscene being evil and never nice eating beans and chicken fried rice whoo! 40. ``Is Mad Hatter A Poet?'' No.. He's never even TRIED Opium! _________________________________________ 1.5) MAD HATTER STALKING INFORMATION... 1. ``How Do I Become An OFFICIAL Mad Hatter Stalker?'' Leave him mail saying, "I'm now stalking you and will not rest until you are dead and I'm wearing your clothes, eating your food and living your miserably pointless life. HA HA HA HA." 2. ``What Should I Know Before Beginning To Stalk Mad Hatter?'' He's not easily startled or in fact very perceptive. If you intend to park outside his house in order to watch and wait for him you will most likely be there for a very long time. He rarely leaves his home and when he does, he is usually in quite a hurry. Do not block the driveway-- You will be killed. 3. ``Does Mad Hatter Have Any Problem With Me Stalking Him?'' Not particularly. Just don't step on his heels. He HATES that. 4. ``What Should I Know Before Going Through His Garbage?'' You should probably know that he has a strange fondness for radioactive material, so please wear the appropriate protective gear before endangering yourself. 5. ``What's His Favourite Colour?" Black. Or Purple. He's not sure. Black-purple, most likely. 6. ``What Does He Usually Wear?'' A paper bag and Chanel No. 5 for the ladies. 7. ``How Do I Achieve The 'I'm Sad & Crazy- Touch Me And Perish' Look That Mad Hatter Has?'' First be sure to become an antisocial incast as opposed to a social outcast. Grow your hair long but not in a traditional sort of way. Decorate your person with absolute disregard for modern rules or physics if you can. Wear sunglasses at night without smashing into anything and live in your basement to bond with your cats better. When Clarion Makeup Computers snicker and scream, 'LIKE MAKEUP COULD HELP *YOU*!! HA HA HA! GET SOME SUN, PASTY-BOY!" in a little digital voice you'll know you've got it. 8. ``Where Can I Find Mad Hatter If I Need To Kill Him?'' Usually at home. Sometimes in the town of Ottawa. 9. ``Where Can I Find Mad Hatter If I Need To Killfile Him?'' ad423@FreeNet.Carleton.CA. 10. ``What Does Mad Hatter Eat?'' It depends. He's just like the Swedish Chef except not Swedish, a chef or very short. The things he can prepare can be counted on one hand and sadly usually carried in one as well. They are: Lipton's Cup-o-Soup Toast w/varying spreads Cap'n Crunch Cereal Horrid Mini-Pizzas Warm condiments in a glass Hotdogs (but not often because there are more than one parts.) Okay, maybe YOU don't all have six fingers. But SOME people have gifts. 11. ``How Does Mad Hatter Eat?'' Well, he tries to be neat but normally fails what with the complexity of forks nowadays. 12. ``How Tall Is He?'' 6'1 and a half without his clogs. 7'6 with. 13. ``Is Mad Hatter Gay?'' When the theme fits, yes. 14. ``Are There Any ASCII Pictures Of Mad Hatter?'' Just one: hi! o / /| / \ Yes, he's doing the John Travolta Disco pose and his torso does in fact look like a pipe. 15. ``Will Mad Hatter Write Something For My Dumb Little Magazine?'' Probably. Ask him. He's very personable, don't you know. 16. ``Will Mad Hatter Marry Me?'' Yes. You are the wind beneath his wings. 17. ``What Are Some Of Mad Hatter's USENET Hobbies?'' - Asking very dumb questions with obvious answers in alt.sex.plushies. - Responding to every typo in misc.writing with, 'You call yourself a WRITER?!' - Responding to every occurrence of the word 'Hitler' in soc.history.war.misc with 'Hitler? I don't even know her! HA HA HA!' and then running away REALLY quickly. - Making friends with the Jihad Against Barney. - MAKE MONKEYS FAST! - Trying to moderate talk.bizarre. - Responding to every post in rec.birds with, 'HEY, YOU'RE NO BIRD!' 18. ``Has Mad Hatter Ever Had Elvis Channel Through Him?'' Elvis would have to be DEAD, you silly goose! 19. ``Describe Mad Hatter's Hair In One Word.'' Benevolent. 20. ``I'm A Psychic and--'' Go.. AWAY. 21. ``Is Mad Hatter's House Haunted?'' Yes. Just last week as he was eating his breakfast of Cap'n Crunch, Sugar Coated Toast and a Super-Duper Sugar Shake a strange fuzzy sphere appeared in front of him and shrieked 'VIIIIIIE!' Mad Hatter almost stopped shaking out of fear. 22. ``What's Mad Hatter's Other Plan To Become a Millionaire?'' To find all the people willing to spend a dollar to express their opinion to A Current Affair on whether William Shatner wears a hairpiece or not and bleed them for all they're worth. 23. ``Is Mad Hatter White Trash?'' He likes to think of himself as a whole different part of the rainbow of social trash. 24. ``Are There Any ASCII Renderings Of Mad Hatter's Room?'' No. 25. ``Are You Sure?'' Okay, just one: (note: not actual size.) A. | / / \ --------------------------D.---------------- | / / \ | o o o C. | |____________| | | | \/ B \ |o__o_o_o_________| | E. | ---------| \ / |_____| \ / _____ ____ + ___F.____| | Q. | J. |o o ____ |____| |o o \ | ______ ___ | || o \| | o | | H. |G.| ----+ | P.o| |___ | oo o o o |o__o| |o o oo o -__----------------------- |_o___o___o |O.| | | |__| | | + __ | | / \ |N | | M. | | ============== | ____ / I. / |__| | | | o L. o o o | |__K._| / / ---- -------------------------- | o o | /___ / A - Magic closet J - Ugly Carpeting B - Evil Green Chair K - Amplifier! Rock ON! C - Chest of Doom L - Residual Desk D - Brad Entrance and Exit Portal M - Restoration Chamber E - Dehumidifier / Printer stand N - Pillow A F - Super Duper Computer Tower Case O - Pillow B G - Desk P - End Table w/ Lamp H - Control Chair Q - Trash Can I - Box of Heavenly Visions 'o's denote Coke cans. 26. ``No Windows?'' Look at your monitor from a higher angle. Don't see them? Keep trying. 27. ``What Beer Does Mad Hatter Drink?'' None but specifically not Red Dog. 28. ``What Compact Disc Clubs Does Mad Hatter Belong To?'' Just Crazy Omar's House of Shiny Flat Circles That Fly. He thought it was for something else. 29. ``Will You Please List, In Alphabetical Order, The Bands He Likes?'' The Doors, Skinny Puppy, Stone Temple Pilots, Acid Horse, Ministry, Lard, Malhavoc, Live, Pigface, Killing Joke, Moist, The Cure, The Jesus & Mary Chain, The Dead Kennedys, Nirvana, Dead Can Dance, Horizon 222, Tool, N ine Inch Nails, 1,000 Homo DJ's, The Revolting Cocks, GWAR, Sarah McLachlan, Smashing Pumpkins, Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Pearl Jam, Siouxsie &The Banshees, George Thorogood And The Delaware Destroyers, Enigma, Marilyn Manson and the whole bloody Crow Soundtrack. 30. ``That Wasn't In Alphabetical Order.'' Uhm.. Go screw..(?) _______________________________________________ 4.0) QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE... 1. ``How Does Mad Hatter Explain The Eighties?'' Asbestos! Other than that he's lost. 2. ``Where's My Cat?'' HA HA HA HA! 3. ``Is There A Cure For Stupidity?'' Sadly, no. 4. ``No Seriously, Where The Hell Is My Cat?'' HA HA HA!! 5. ``Will Mad Hatter Marry Me?'' Yes. 6. ``What Opera About 'Rustic Chivalry' Takes Place On Easter Day?'' Cavalleria Rusticina. 7. ``What's The Sound A Man Makes When He Has His Penis Bitten?'' According to my closed captioning, 'IIIIIIIIIIE!' (source: Jumping Jack Flash.) 8. ``What Will Be One Of The Signs of The Apocalypse?'' Robert Smiths shoes will begin to glow and speak. They'll preach on high for seven days, when they will be used as a gateway for Satan to appear on Earth. It will, of course, be very messy. And Robert Smith will still be sad. 9. ``How Do You Know You Exist?'' Get in the Philosopher Box. 10. ``How Do You Know IT Exists?'' I don't but it serves me well. Get in it. 11. ``What's It Actually Like In Canada?'' Besides the risk of injury by flying Hockey pucks it's a nice place. Too many Canadians, though. 12. ``What The Hell Is A 'Gerbil Jammer'?'' You don't want to know if you can't guess. 13. ``Why Did I Wake Up With My Shoes On?'' Because driving without shoes on is dangerous. 14. ``I Just Looked In The Mirror And I Have No Reflection!'' You have what's commonly called Goth Fever among medical professionals. Go listen to some Disco, groove about your home in an unserious manner and check again. If you still have no reflection then you're a vampire. Have fun! 15. ``Help! I'm A Sandwich!'' Rebel! 16. ``I'm Drunk. Now What?'' Spin on your head. Play darts. Spin on someone else's head. Play with exacto-knives. Spar with your shadow-- but win this time. Play checkers by yourself. Post to newsgroups bragging about how drunk you are, why that makes you cool and how you of course have better things to do than be posting to a newsgroup like having sex with your hordes of girlfriends or maybe doing hard drugs like real men do. Throw up. Blow me. How the fuck am I supposed to know? Go away. 17. ``Why Am I Reading This FAQ?'' Because you're an illogical, irrational being and you have too much time on your hands, of course! 18. ``Aaaugh! I'm A Jock! What Should I Do?'' Why.. cease to exist of course. 19. ``Is It True That Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder?'' No, Aaron Spelling. 20. ``You're A Prick, Brad.'' That's not a question, Scott. 21. ``If Two Trains Were Travelling At The Same Speed--'' No math. 22. ``--uhm.. Would They Be, Uh.. Fast.. Trains?'' Go away again. 23. ``My Yo-Yo Isn't Working! What's Wrong?'' If your Yo-Yo is not performing the first Yo, the problem may be one of the following: - Broken or no string. - Be sure to let go of the strange, optionally glowing sphere the string extends out from. - Standing on your head? Don't be. - Your hand should be open with the palm facing _DOWN_. - Check your planet for gravity. Some planets are not Yo-Yo capable. - Perhaps Satan or some other unworldly creature is living in either your hand or your Yo-Yo. Have them both exorcised. - Be sure you have at least ONE (1) human, or 100% compatible arm and hand. You will most likely need a torso as well, but we're confidant that if you're missing your torso, you have bigger problems than not being able to Yo-Yo. If it's not performing the SECOND Yo, the problem may be one of these: - Be sure you had your finger through the loop on the string. - Again check your planet for gravity. You never know. - Remember to clasp your fingers around the Yo-Yo when it returns. - Did your finger fall with the Yo-Yo? Check for leprosy. - Did you fall over? Join a weight training program or buy a lighter Yo-Yo. - Check to make sure you're taller than the Yo-Yo string. If not; stand on a table or chair. - Yo-Yo's do not work underwater. - A brief muffled scream? Get off Ted Nugent's chest. Things to remember for safe and productive Yo-Yoing: - Yo-Yoing from a moving vehicle will not work. - Yo-Yoing into a tank of Killer Sharks will only work once. - Slinging the Yo-Yo at moving cars while it's attached to your hand is not a good idea. - Yo-Yo's are NOT flotation devices. - Yo-Yo's ARE flirtation devices. - And lastly, do NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES Yo-Yo in a mine field. Any other problems do not exist and if you insist that they do, you're loony and we'll have you locked up. Happy Yo-Yoing! 24. ``Which Television Shows Should I Watch?'' The X-Files and The Simpsons. Nothing else unless you're mocking it. 25. ``What Should I NOT Put In This Salad?'' Olives, spinach, bacon and Iranians. 26. ``I'm Thirsty." I'm Friday! Come over Saturday and we'll have a Sunday! 27. ``Where Am I?'' Earth. Doubtlessly the most beautiful planet you've ever visited. 28. ``Can I Catapult Myself To The Moon?'' No, but you can Moonapult to the cat. (blink) I don't even know what that means. 29. ``What's Question Number Thirty Going To Be About?'' I think it'll probably have something to do with tomatoes. Wait and see. 30. ``Was It?'' You people ruin everything. ______________________________________________ 5.0) THE MAD HATTER FAN CLUB ACRONYM LIST IAMHAYAN - I am Mad Hatter and you.. ARE NOTHING. YAABI - You Are A Big Idiot. IIWOPIKY - If I Wasn't On Prozac, I'd Kill You. ODYSBM - One Day, You Shall Be Mine. DNTTN - Do Not Taunt The Mannequins. TMHFC - The Mad Hatter Fan Club (not to be confused with 'The Man Hates Fried Chicken'-- he doesn't.) IAE - I Am Evil. WTTJP - Welcome To the Jungle, Pansy. THYG - Try Harder, You Goon. IBYCFOFTLOYWT - I Bet You Can't Figure Out For The Life Of You What This SAIF Stupid Acronym Is For. IATAAICTYJ - I Am The Antichrist And I Can Tell You're Jealous. MH - Mad Hatter. MHR - Mad Hatter Rules. MHRLAKOS - Mad Hatter Rules Like A King on Speed. WNIDWTMH - Who Needs Inflatable Dolls When There's Mad Hatter? AT - A popular preposition. PEMIAR - Please Excuse Me; I'm Axl Rose. IBB - I'll Be Back. WAYTA - What Are you Talking About? IDGI - I Don't Get It. SIYTMO - Stop It; You're Turning Me On. IAA - I Am Awesome! -- IAA - I Am Awemore! | -- Can only be distinguished by the vibe. IAA - I Am Awemost! -- E - Eek! IMTSITW - I Meant To Spell It That Way. ISCC - I Suck. Come Closer. PHSWMIHAF - Please Have Sex With Me; I Haven't Any Friends. IIKYWYSLM - If I Kill You Will You Still Love Me? IKCILTSTDIKCA MTMCCEUMCIWHT SFEPCTSTHSYIT KWYITCYIHASPS ICSYCTTHTSBIT ISTTOTAHHOOTW EWTDOCYHBIWTI GMRIDWSPAMTIN ESBMMSTFTSTAT AMAICAWMACBKF ADSIKCILTSTDI KCAMTMCIBTHID IKCCHWFY - The lyrics to 'I Kill Children' by the Dead Kennedys. IBYTTWC - I Bet You Thought That Was Clever. WASYAW - We Are Strong, You Are Weak. RTFMYBSIBIWYSHYB - Read The Fucking Manual You Big Stupid Idiot Before I Whack You So Hard You Bounce. GAP - Go Away, Poncho. ____________________________________________ 6.0) LIKES AND DISLIKES Spaghetti | Chinese Water Torture No Surgery | No Anasthetic Disco | Urkel, my mortal enemy Futons | The Glad Man, my OTHER | mortal enemy The X-Files | Nipple Electroshock | Endurance Tests Cats | Allergies Star Wars | Dream A Little Dream Sleep | Insomnia Self-Employment | Self-Impalement Exploding | Exploding (messy) The Jihad Against | The Jihad Against Beer | Barney Smoking | Burning Jello Biafra | Jello Biafra ruling the world | ruling his herd Calvin and Hobbes | Disembowelment Paranoia | Everyone who's | out to get me Masturbation | Male menstruation Rhyming | Sliming..? Candy | CAMPING, MY FINAL | MORTAL ENEMY.. | FOR NOW. Cake | Sodomy Slacking | Uh, car-jacking Failing | Trying Chocolate | Cholorea Smurfs | Snorks Busting suckas | Busting moves Hatred for all | Mimes mankind | Darkness | Sunshine Powermongering | Lovemongering People named | People named 'Eddie' | 'Morgan' Weird people | Wired people Prompt dinner | Prompt dinner delivery | delivery | of Swiss Chalet Scamming | Being scammed Having enough | Not having the appendages | gift of flight Axcess magazine | Wired Magazine The Dead Kennedys | The Grateful Dead Photocopy machines | Poets Expensive music | Poverty equipment | Corruption | Not being invisible The Doors | Hippies-- okay, my | LAST mortal enemies __________________________________________ 7.0) CLOSING NOTES Have you any comments or questions, you're welcome to email them to Mad Hatter at ad423@FreeNet.Carleton.CA where he'll enjoy laughing at your failure to understand his "art." Many thanks to the people that sent in questions that we never actually got around to using so we don't have to actually thank anyone here and can remain a cold, faceless fascist organization. Read alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk. If your site doesn't carry it then murder everyone immediately around you in protest. Have a nice day. MH. Newsgroups: alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk From: ad423@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Brad Turcotte) Subject: Re: Interview with the Mad Hatter Date: Thu Oct 26 03:02:28 1995 THE MAD HATTER FAN CLUB FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS, V4.0 -- Questions by Brian@bocanews.bocaraton.ibm.com, who has a lot of Bs in his address. > A questionaire for you to complete, good sir: This will be the next version of the FAQ, by the way. I suppose I should make a header or something. Maybe I'll go do that now... There. Done. > 1.) Where did the Mad Hatter get his start? On Usenet, it was alt.stupid.signature.flame.flame.flame. All other history has been buried and if it is found I will kill all that see it. > 2.) Is it true that the Mad Hatter wanders > the countryside terrorizing livestock and > farmers alike muttering the lyrics to NIN > songs while wearing a touque once made > famous by Bob and Doug Mackenzie? No, just the livestock. > 3.) Does your mother know this? My mother knows everything about me. She's apparently read my Web page and she says it needs updating and I know this, but I'm avoiding it. "And goddammit!" she says, "put some freakin' graphics on it!" > 4.) Does your mother join you? My mother says to tell you, "Why, is he coming apart?" She always was the clever one in the family. > 5.) Would you care to comment on your > obsession with cats? Yes. Cats = yum. > 6.) Flonk, flonk, flonk: just a saying, > or a way of life? Flonk, flonk, what? > 7.) What is the worst alcoholic beverage > you ever consumed? I don't remember, but it had alcohol in it. Contrary to popular belief, I don't put much alcohol into my body. I dislike things that strain my weak grip on keeping myself from spinning wildly out of control and killing things, because I tend to do it in a really messy and classless way when I'm intoxicated. I prefer a nice sober killing. You can put more care into it. > 8.) Were you drunk at the time? I honestly can't remember the faintest thing before about seven o'clock this morning. > 9.) Doesn't that defeat the purpose? Yes, but purposes suck. > 10.) Can you describe the official hat > of the MH? I actually can't wear hats. They make my hair angry. > 11.) Why have third world countries > banned your posts to their newsgroups? Because I make them even hungrier for love. > 12.) Is it true your ego is so large you > actually _can't_ get in the door at night? No, that's my gargantuan pelvis. The ego only keeps me from playing squash, which is fine because I hate squash. > 13.) Being a native of South Florida, I > can personally vouch for the surplus of > Canadians down here during the winter > months. It this because this is when you > start your annual pledge drive to gather > new recruits to the MH Fan Club? Not exactly. It's because of Canada's annual "Running of the Elderly", where all (mean) Canadians under the age of thirty pick up pointy sticks and chase all old people with latent tourist urges in them over the border with the threat of being brutally poked to death. > 14.) What is the current size of the > fan club? What, now I'm supposed to start COUNTING? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME!!! > 15.) What is the best bribe you ever > received from a member? Well, the Canadian government offered me a couple million to stop mentioning Canada and claim that I was actually from Cuba. I got the money, blew it on candy and have been on such a sugar rush since that the government won't even come _near_ me. > 18.) What are the best snow tires to > put on your vehicle? I wouldn't know. I get around in floaty shoes. > 19.) What are the best snow tires to > attach to a rope-swing? A round one? > 20.) Have you seen sunlight in the > past week? Do pictures count? > 21.) The past year? Oh great. Another year happened and I missed it. > 22.) Since puberty? Puberty? > 23.) Ever? I think I saw some when I was younger. We didn't get along well. > 24.) If there were one person on > this Earth who you felt deserved > your "special attention", who would > that person be, and why? Tom Snyder, because he is a fabulous man who I want to marry and live happily ever with. His show is interesting and informative and good. I'm sure it will be cancelled though, so I plan to befriend Tom and get him to fall in love with me on the rebound from that tragedy. I would eternally bathe him in my sparkling rivers of love... if only he knew I existed... > 25.) Other than posting on newsgroups > and forming press gangs to gain > new membe rs for the fan club, do > you have a life? Nope. > 26.) Do you have any brothers or sisters, > or did your parents swear off sex in > hopes of never making this mistake again? I have a sister. > 27.) Do small children flee screaming at > the mere sight of your approach? Actually, no. If anyone likes me at all, it's small children. Whenever I go to the doctor's office I'm usually dressed in all black with my hair down and with a giant red and white striped shirt on. Kids think that's wacky. They haven't been programmed enough by society to know that they should fear me. But soon. > 28.) Do women everywhere find you > irresistable and sexy? On the contrary. I've had it explained to me how completely resistible I am. And I think my sex appeal melted when I was messing with hydro lines a couple years ago. > 29.) Isn't this just a delusional fantasy > of yours? Isn't everything? > 30.) Speaking of fantasies, what's your > favorite? It involves Wilford Brimley, a tropical island and a whole lotta licorice. I'd write it out but I've been told there are kids out there reading this. Hi there, kids. > 31.) Have you ever engaged in a > philisophical discussion over the > validity of e xtra-terrestrials? I have. Many, many times. I spent several years being fascinated with the possibility of extra-terrestrials existing. I've come to the conclusion that everyone on this planet except me is an alien from the planet Celery and wants to invade my salad. > 32.) Do you have proof of one? Hi there. > 33.) Is he living under your bed? I really don't know. I can't keep track of all the people under there. > 34.) What do you think would be the > greatest benefit if the Earth > suddenly stopped rotating and > there was no more gravity? Well, apparently everyone would vomit a lot. At least that's what I've heard. So that might be fun. Um. I think the best part would be watching news-casters on TV trying to maintain a serious and professional composure while floating around and vomiting lots. > 35.) Would sales of the "Wonder bra" plumet? Hell no. They wouldn't put the word "wonder" in it if it wasn't magical, would they? > 36.) Have you ever owned your very own set > of Ginsu knives? No, but I once cut a man named Ginsu into little bits and kept them in my trunk for three weeks until I traded the car in and got a Subaru. > 37.) What did you use them for? Normal imaginary Ginsu activities. > 37.) Haven't I already asked question > number 37? Perhaps. > 38.) Doesn't that make this question #39? Hapsper. > 40.) Have I annoyed you enough yet? I was annoyed enough when I was five. It's been impossible to keep track ever since then. > I think that's enough questions for now. > Please post your responses here as I'm > sure all your loyal readers would like > a little more insight into the > world of the Mad Hatter. I'm also willing to do as many full expose interviews as it takes to make me cooler than I am now. MH. THE MAD HATTER FAN CLUB FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS Archive-name: mhfc/info Last-modified: $Date: 1995/10/19 03:32:31 $ Version: $Revision: 4.14 $ Posting-Frequency: monthly THERE IS NO LITTLE FUN INTRO BIT TO THIS FAQ BECAUSE THE EXPLANATION IS LONG, EMBARRASSING AND INVOLVES HURTING YOU A REAL LOT. All questions completely stolen from the Suicide FAQ by someone named Graham Stoney that doesn't know I'm doing this so don't tell him or I'll hunt you down and tickle you stupid. 1. Why do people attempt suicide? For a variety of different reasons. Sometimes the weather, sometimes rock music, sometimes bad karma. But currently the leading cause of suicide is, well, you. You heartless bastard I wish you were dead, how do you live with yourself, all those innocent people, don't you feel the least bit guilty, etc, etc. 2. Aren't all suicidal people crazy? Yes. Do not attempt to pet a suicidal person as they may bite you. Though this may amuse them and curb their suicidal urges as they realize that life is a hell of a lot more fun when you go around biting people at random. 3. Doesn't talking about suicide encourage it? No, but saying "KILL YOURSELF, YOU WORTHLESS SUICIDAL LOSER! YOU COULDN'T KILL YOURSELF TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!!" does. 4. So what sort of things can contribute to someone feeling suicidal? Well again, mostly just you, really. 5. How would I know if someone I care about was contemplating suicide? If you have the Mary Holiday Home Suicidal Test, simply grab the person, tie them down, and rectally administer the large scary robot which will scan the person's bowels for any signs of suicidal behaviour. 6. I'm a bit uncomfortable about the topic; can't it just go away? Sorry, it has to be taken rectally. No getting around it. 7. So what can I do about it? Once the robot is administered, there's not much you can do other than wait for the robot to report back to you. This may take as little time as fifteen minutes or as long as seven years. It all depends on how moody the robot is. If it happens to stay inside the person for _more_ than seven years, you should seek immediate help and arrange some sort of formal counselling. If the person wasn't suicidal before, they probably will be by now. 8. Help? Counselling? But isn't counselling just a waste of time? Largely, yes. Rectal Robots are often difficult to reason with, as is most anal-oriented sorts of machinery. However, it's worth a shot. 9. Talk, talk, talk. It's all just talk. How's that going to help? It's not, but it will distract you from suing us. 10. How do telephone counselling services work? The counsellor ties the patient to a board and then beats about his abdomen with a telephone until the robot becomes too disoriented to wreak any further havoc. 11. What about me; am I at risk? Signs that you may in fact be in a high risk group: 1.) You've just bought a Rectal Robot, 2.) You have no pants on, 3.) You're in a position you're not ordinarily used to being in, 4.) You're bracing yourself for serious rectal pain, 5.) You're kind of an idiot. 12. How does suicide affect friends and family members? It depends on the situation. Maybe they don't like you and will do a little jig when you're gone. I have absolutely no idea. 13. Hang on; isn't it illegal though? Doesn't that stop people? Hell no. Like most illegal things, such as drugs and under-age drinking, it's generally considered quite cool and rebellious to commit suicide in many young social circles. Unfortunately, natural selection seems to take care of that trend and they all collect pogs now. 14. But don't people have the right to kill themselves if they want to? Yeah. MH. "GOOD THOUGHTS, GOOD WORDS, GOOD GOD I'M STONED." -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- THE MAD HATTER FAN CLUB FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS, V5.0 -- The purpose of this web page is to provide readers of The Fantastic Life and Suicide a forum in which to have all their wildest and strangest questions answered in a very impersonal and most likely highly inaccurate fashion. All submissions of questions are anonymous and as such I cannot respond to through e-mail. If you would like a response, please direct e-mail to me at ad423@freenet.carleton.ca and be assured that it won't show up here. 1.Where does Brad come up with all his amazing ideas? Certainly not God. 2.Where does Brad come up with his guns? I mean, they're so big! Those come from God. 3.Why is Mary so damn cool? Where does he get it from? Surely not the author, for he is a loon. Cool gene. 4.Who's he? Shut the fuck up. 5.Is this thing on? I think so. At least it appears to work. Hi. 6.The form doesn't work! It worked last week. I'm not a moron! I swear! In the meantime, just drop me e-mail with the questions until I get some time to power up and kick some SERIOUS HTML ASS!! 7.Will Mary Holiday come to my party and destroy my guests? (I hate them, they threaten my shattered sanity.) Sure! And for a few extra bucks he'll not only come to and destroy your party, but he'll wreck your guests, murder your furniture and replace your pets with lurid balloon animals! Note: full refund does not include puppies and kittens. 8.I have a dinosaur living in my head! Please phrase your questions in the form of a question. 9.Ohio. An interesting fact about Ohio is that it's this close to being a palindrome. 10.I have a dinosaur living in my head? Sometimes, but mostly I spend it on my winter ranch, tending to cattle and trying to teach sheep how to see those stupid Magic Eye things. 11.Will you come with me in the space shuttle? Just try and stop me, baby! I wanna be the first to eat a moon SNOW CONE! 12.Why is your web site being so goddamn slow? The problem is this: I AM POOR. If you'd like to contribute free speedy web space, leave me e-mail and I'll gladly move somewhere more accessible and friendly. 13.Is it true you've relinquished control of alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk? No. However, it is true that I am lazy. Not so lazy that I cannot post, oh no, but so lazy I can't be bothered to archive my posts anymore. And without archiving them there really doesn't seem much point. If someone wants to archive them for me, I'll gladly start posting again. Until then, I must devote myself to artforms which I can put on a web page and then let fester for the world to see. 14.Now that you have my permission to come on the Space Shuttle with me, what will your role be aboard? I aspire to be in charge of snacks and maybe once we colonize a few worlds, due to my vast knowledge of human torture, any witch hunts that need to be done. 15.My name is Fernando. I am a boy but feel that my name is to effeminate. What should I do? I understand and empathize with your pain. I too once had an effeminate name and luckily fell into this one which has rendered me synonymous with a "small slender wire nail" and free from all aspersions cast on my sexual identity. The plan I have carefully constructed for you is one step and one step alone: become a magician. Once you begin introducing yourself to everyone as "The Great Fernando" and sweeping into rooms majestically with a cape on, there will be very little (if any) debate over your gender. Sure, this method blatantly reinforces the stereotype that women cannot be magicians or, in fact great, but what are you going to do. If after this you are still haunteed be the effeminacy of your name, just go out and buy yourself a really really really massive wand. 16.Are you the Antichrist? I'm flattered by how often I'm asked this question. The answer honestly depends on when you ask me, whether I'm eating breakfast and if I have clothes on. Sitting here in my home away from everything I have to admit that I could never be the actual Antichrist, as that really comes far too close to having an actual meaningful function in society. Maybe I _would_ be the Antichrist if I got off my ass, shaved and showered and went out and caused some religious and moral unrest, but really, cartoons are on in about twelve hours and I'd rather lounge around in big pants and eat Oreos till I die from icing poisioning. 17.I work in a computer room, this morning a person said that I needed to put a crystal in the room because there is two much radiation. Are crystal's evil and will they suck me into the hideous vortex of nothingness? I wish I could give you a blanket answer, but it really depends on which sort of crystal you get. I suggest you run out and purchase the "CRYSTAL BUYER'S GUIDE" and perhaps if you're the unlucky sort, pick up "COPING WITH HIDEOUS VORTEXES OF NOTHINGNESS" just in case. If you're the really unlucky sort, I recommend getting a lot of additional reading material because as the name "Hideous Vortex of Nothingness" implies, there ain't much to do there. How this is hideous I don't know, but I guess it's a more exciting adjective than saying "Oh no, I've been sucked into the BORING VORTEX OF NOTHINGNESS!!" People would probably be much less sympathetic and every time you complained, your mother would tell you that if you're so bored why don't you spend some time cleaning your vortex because God knows it could use it. 18.In our country, we have an MMP government. I want to bring them toppling to their knees... Will MH help me? Mary is rather indifferent to politics. However he is not in any way indifferent to anything that's just recently toppled to its knees. So the deal is that if you knock the government down to its knees, Mary will inevitably come along and kick them in the teeth as hard as he possibly can. This applies to basically everything. 19.Is it just me or are the episodes getting shorter as you go? I had a really comprehensive answer to this but I lost it, so instead you get this one: It's kind of my self-gauging progress indicator. This way, if the episodes get shorter and shorter every time I write one, I'll know when the series is over because I'll be finished the new episodes before I even start them, thus eliminating the problem with deadlines. 20.do you still love me more than elvis, jesus, and jim Baker???? Well, let me put it this way: it's inconceivable that I could love you any less than Elvis, Jesus and Jim Baker. Is that enough? I only have so much love these days, what with the recession... 21.if so can i have all of your stuff -- especially yer tongue???? And yer staples??? I LIVE TO GIVE! 22.i'm me? I guess. I don't know. I don't think I'm the one you should be asking, honestly. Sorry, man. 23.for friday is good, then i eat thursday So come on over Saturday and we'll have a sundae! 24.Hail to thee creature of looniness and thunder! Art thou touched? Not right now, but with a little luck, maybe later on... 25.Is it acceptable to cause great damage and violence to christians as they are going to heaven anyway? Five years ago I would have cheered "YES!" and offered to help. But now, later in my life, being much wiser and considerably more afraid that people might respect or, even worse, follow my opinion, I have to say that I just don't care. I know just as many Satanists that deserve to be targets of great damage and violence as I do Christians. In fact, possibly more, but that's not the point I'm trying to make here. The point is that it's a waste of time to side with anything or anyone. Instead, just try and blur the lines, be ambiguous about your beliefs (which surprisingly upsets people far more than it should), cause a lot of trouble, incite a few wars, and sneak off to sleep somewhere safe. Then by the time you roll out of bed the warring factions will have wiped out each other and the only people left in the whole entire world will be the ones who were smart enough to do the same as you. 26.What is your artistic view on the music of Marilyn Manson? It's pretty much the same as my civilian view on the music of Marilyn Manson. I like it. I think they have cool hair and nice clothes. Although I have to say I'd rather be buried alive naked in a box full of pissed-off scorpions than have to spend thirty seconds in a room of full-on Marilyn Manson fans. That's nothing I can hold against the band of course, but I think it's worth pointing out. 27.I go forth yonder to fight large and flamey dragon named destroyer of souls and smalle bunnies. Will ye accompany me upon me quest? Maybe, but probably not. 28.Me? "Ladies and gentlemen! We're pleased to announce that we have a special guest in our audience tonight! Stand up, Jean-Paul! That's right! It's renowned existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre! Take a bow! You're looking good! How's the wife and kids? Meaningless, you say? Good! Terrific! Jean-Paul Sartre, everyone!" 29.what happened to all of the cool faqs from the before web page? They're still the same place they always were, at: http://www.magi.com/~gray/maryland.htm It still officially exists and isn't going anywhere until I get an actual real web account with real live disk space and stuff, at which point I'll build them all back together again and possibly update them. More likely than that, though, is the chance that I'll forget I ever said anything like this. 30.What kind of snacks will you bring onto the space shuttle? Messy things with lots of crumbs. Flaky pastries, those powdery jelly donuts, and a little homebrew taste sensation I like to call "STALE BREAD IN A BAG, SMASHED." 31.You should consider having a much more substantial breakfast. Cap'n Crunch won't cut it. What are you trying it on? I've found it eats through wood, cloth and stomach lining like warm butter, but it tends to do a lousy job on most industrial plastics. I suggest you contact The Quaker Oats Company at 1-800-267-6287 and demand more corrosives in your cereal bowl. Tell them Brad sent you and don't let them pawn Crunchberry samples off on you. 32.Would you like to play a game of chess Brad?It's a shame about what happened to the shuttle crew.Maybe those snow cones had some unforseen side effe cts.Perhaps you shouldn't have added the Spam-HAL9 I'm no good at chess. What's the point of doing something when I'm not great at it? As for the rest of your question, I refuse to talk about an overexposed processed meat until I'm more famous than it. 33.Is it bigger than a bread box? Well, you know, I really don't like to brag, but uh... 34.going to post a picture of yourself, so all your admiring fans can see, oh brad baby There's really no need seeing as though I'm a perfectly mixed Antonio Banderas, Desi Arnez and Bob Hope hybrid. Conjure that image in your lusty little mind and there you have me for your viewing pleasure. So a picture would obviously be simply a waste of time and valuable resources. 35.Im' sure a nice game of chess would be very calming. Now please tell us where you hid Linda,as a 132lb female can only subsist on Spam for 17 days.. .We're running out of time!!!!! HAL9000 You're getting warmer. 36.avec un faux arignee plastique? Quisiera mas perchas, por favor 37.How have you been feeling lately? I am as happy as I am familiar with being. 38.Is it true that Neil Gaiman likes the Fantastic Life and Suicide of Mister Mary Holiday? Isn't it more fun to just believe in things rather than getting me to confirm them? Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Neil Gaiman liking my writing, Tom Snyder thinking I'm smart, etc, etc! Reality is irrelevent. Believe whatever you like! My gift is freedom! 39.is there anything good on the www?? No. There is nothing. 40.did christmas ruin your evil little mood? Nope. In fact, it actually enhanced it! I was ticketed for allegedly failing to come to a complete stop at - you guessed it - a stop sign at 11:00 the other night. Just thought I'd throw that in. Oh, and the ticket was for a hundred and five dollars. 41.is submitting a question really THAT easy? sorry, just checkin' I forgive you. 42.do you love me brad?mary? i'm so lonly,i would cry if i cold...HAL9 000 There's enough junk in me for all of you. Some of it might be love. I don't know. 43.Has anyone ever mistaken you for a Ramone? Not since I cut my hair last month, though someone mistook me for an HMV clerk that might be able to help them with locating a third Beatles anthology. I'm not sure if this is an improvement or not. 44.How did you celebrate christmas? Poorly. I ate a lot of chocolate covered cherries and was cold. 45.It seems that many of the people who live in Canada are Canadian. Your thoughts? I think God could probably clean up on merchandising if he'd just put a bit more effort into it. 46.I believe I am having an identity crisis... What should I do? I really don't think I'm the person to answer that unless you feel the advice: ROLL WITH IT, BABY, is particularly helpful. 47.i CAN'T GO on!!!!!!??????? Then don't. I don't recommend going on if you really can't. I mean, it just makes sense. 48.How big is a thought? Have you ever tried to kill a phone book? I need clarification on the thought before I can answer. And trying to kill a phone book implies that I wasn't successful, so no. 49.Brad? Fonzie? 50.The only exception for you is that no dog ever died of SPAM-juice drowning before!!!Really Brad,ALL I WANT IS A PLEASANT GAME OF CHESS.dON'T MAKE ME START STALKING YOU. Love,theHAL9000 I can't play chess. I've tried. I really have. I even played that Battle Chess game a couple times, but I found myself enjoying being the target of chess-related violence too much. 51.how often does the thousand island tour boat visit the u.s.? and do they serve cake? They do serve cake. As for how often, I don't know. But if you go on the Gananoque boat tour there's a Haunted House there that really, really sucks. 52.Will my rear ever stop growing? No. 53.Is the rumor true that you are going to write for the famous magazine "Diversity"? Yes, but only nature pieces. 54.Some people say Neil Gaiman likes your work. Some say Neil Gaiman hates your work. I say Neil Gaiman doesn't even know who the fuck you are, and would probably shoot you in the back of the head (a la the end of _1984_) if he ever found out. That kind of fits under the "hate" category, don't you think? And personally, I'd be pretty disappointed if he did that. Maybe I've come to expect too much from the man, but I'm pretty sure he'd do something really obscure and neat to me. I mean, your example isn't even a very clever reference. His would be interesting in a way that when he told people how he killed me, they'd chuckle and go on about how witty a murder it was. 55.Brad,I'm not kidding this time will you be my friend?If you refuse, I'll hav no other option but to hunt you dwn and kill you like the dog you are! You don't have to beg, Neil Gaiman. You know better than anyone that you can already count me among the many celebrities and colleagues that are your trusted, most valued friends, Neil Gaiman. So long and thanks again for the Valentine's Day card, Neil Gaiman. 56.Just how many questions have been submitted via this process of yours? I don't know. I've forgotten how to read numbered lists, could you help me? No, wait, you're no good... 57.How did you manage to get ANOTHER web page, when you have supposedly limited resources? Write back to the last message I sent you, or I will be forced to send another. Like all my prior web space, I stole this one. Yes, that's right: pure, unadulterated thievery. 58.Brad, What is an algebraic expression of a primitive 17th root of unity? Do your own damn homework. I'm an artist. 59.i've been 5 for 11 years - is there anything you can recommend to rememdy the situation?????? I recommend going on a talk show and having each member of the audience stand up and say, "Why don't you, uh, stop it?" and see if that helps. 60.In the spirit of episode 9's title, shouldn't the submission date be 1997 instead of 1996? I'd appreciate it if in the future you would all please stop forcing your realities on me. Thank you. Translation: You're right, thank you. 61.Do you realize your name (last one that is) is very similar to terra cotta, are you made of clay? Well, let's just say I have clay in me and leave it at that. 62.Are easy-to-swallow liquid capsules really that easy to swallow? No, and they're not liquid either so, really, I don't know what the hell's going on. 63.Where's the new episode, slacker? If you're gonna live up to being the anti-christ, you have to at least develop a vague punctuality. Otherwise, I'm just gonna have to bring armageddon myself.... -ZenBoy You know, for a Buddhist, you're not very patient. And an Antichrist that follows rules. What an interesting idea! 64.When are you going to update the fucking page BRAD When enough people e-mail me mean questions, of course. I mean, nothing puts the spring in my step quite like a bunch of harrassing e-mail. Mmmm... just thinking about it gets my heart a-thumpin' and my juices a-flowin'. 65.I saw some of the artwork you are contemplating for Maryland on AAV3F the other day. You like? Will you be updating your page to include it? I have it all saved onto my hard drive along with a bunch of other funky artwork people have sent me. I'm trying to figure out where I should put it all without it just looking stupid like on most people's pages: "HI! HERE'S A FUCKING HUGE GRAPHIC FOR YOU! HOPE YOU HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO DO FOR A WHILE!" 66.How often does this page get update? WELL!!! It's a very complex system. I spend the time in between updates of this web page on the floor of my solarium doing the shifty yet extensive math and astrological calculations which eventually after months and months of tireless thought and deduction indicate when the time would be right. If I miss it I have to re-calibrate my instruments and perform the calculations again, waiting for the next opening to appear. If I miss that one, I'm banned to what you would laughingly call 'Hell' for a period of six to eight seconds which is approximately equal to ten years pinned under a gallon of angry red ants. 67.Brad!Good news I'm back.andi noticed that you bungled my message:faq #50 should follow #55. but anyway, since you don't like chess,would you like to try your hand(s) at 3-d TIC TAC TOE?(3x3x3)I'll wager a case of Spam! Thank you, but I'm already receiving way more than my fair share. 68.I can't find it, have you got it? You know that thing that I had and now I don't have anymore? A noun? No... 69.Isn't geocities a mess, what a pile of fucking crap, all these hideous monkey's scattered everywhere. I've got a good mind to blow the whole fucking lot away, unless someone brings me the head of Barney, you don't have it by any chance do you? If I did, I definitely wouldn't give it to anyone I thought might do something mean to it. 70.Submit? KNEEL! 71.And just who does Bill Gates think he is anyway, the raving fucking loony. I've got a good mind to remove his spine and watch him wobble around a bit... Good luck! 72.When will the hurting stop??!!!?!? And can I borrow five dollars? The hurting will definitely lessen as soon as you stop asking me. 73.But seriously now: given the social ramifications of the topics disc ussed in The Fantastic Life, do you ever think you might be sending dozens and d ozens of innocent, impressionable young teens to their dooms, believing they wil l awake as...-Big Drumroll- Mad Hatters? (Love, MHM 11x1.) I suppose that's a possibility, but I it could be taken another way: that Mary Holiday sought to escape his horrible life, but the seemingly perfect solution of suicide only brought him more anguish and less privacy. You think? Is it anti-suicide or pro-hopelessness? 74.Given the social ramifications of the topics discussed in The Fantas tic Life, don't you think it would be prudent to include little packets of peanu ts and drinks aboard the flight? I completely agree. You're all ordered to go out and get drinks and little packets of peanuts and I don't care WHOSE ass you have to kick! 75.i'll give you $54.73 if you'll let me suck on your penis 'till it squirts.Deal?-Patty Ah, I see the new catalogs got there safely. Fill out the form like everyone else, baby. 76.Excuse me: Who signed my MHM to a stupid question? Fuckheads. I love you, Brad, and do wish you'd return my phone calls...(sic) Jo aka MHM 11x1. I think I misplaced your number. You must have realized I'd have to clean that mirror some day. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* 88888888888 888 888 888 888 888 888 88888b. .d88b. 888 888 "88b d8P Y8b 888 888 888 88888888 888 888 888 Y8b. . 888b788 d88888 888 "Y88P888 888 8888b d8888 d8b 888 888 88888b.d88888 ^Y^ 888 888 888Y88888P888 888 .d88b. 88888b. 888888 888 888 888 Y888P 888 888 d88P"88b 888 "88b 888 888 888 888 Y8P 888 888 888 888 888 888 888 888 888 888 " 888 888 Y88b 888 888 888 Y88b. Y88b 888 888 888 888 "Y88888 888 888 "Y888 "Y88888 888888b. 888 888 888 "88b Y8b d88P Y8b d88P 888 .88P "888^888 "Y88P" 8888888K. 8888b. 888 888 .d88b. .d88b. 888 "Y88b "88b 888 888 d88""88b d88""88b 888 888 .d888888 888 888 888 888 888 888 888 d88P 888 888 888 888 Y88..88P Y88..88P 8888888P" "Y888888 888 888 "Y88P" "Y88P" benjamin d. capoeman mhm15x1 http://members.home.com/thatdarnbear/ --
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